Depression...ptsd...life/death...i Just Don't Care

[Megan]

These days my depression is getting worse. I can tell because whenever I do something I used to like (such as play on the computer/read etc) I get dizzy. I just don't give a rats ass any more about anything. That bothers because I used to be nice to everyone and happy and enjoy life.

Now I can't seem to get happy any more. No one understands. My mom thinks its because what I eat. We did just have ice cream but ice cream never made dizzy before. :(. She doesn't get it and that is what makes me mad and upset. No one gets me.

What is worse is that I am between therapists/psychologists.We have called 20-30 people and either no one is under our insurance or no one wants to deal with me because of everything with the lawsuit. The person I see will probably be called to testify on trial...no one wants to do that! I am soo depressed. I bought The Sims 3 Pets Yesterday hoping that perhaps I can get into it even though I'm depressed and really don't care.

I want to be my old self. I want to enjoy the things i used to and I know death comes to everyone and everything I don't want to think about it. It's like I can't stay in the present. I used to worry bout the future because of the experience(s) I went through the first 23-24 years in my life. I am depressed about the past because I was happy. I was happy because i liked who i was i like things. I didn't get freaking dizzy when i try to do things. I could think, I could read books and visualize the scenes in the book because I was interested in it (for ex. The Kingdom Keepers).. I am freaking dizzy as I am writing this post!! The room doesn't go in circles but it's a dizzy feeling inside my head.

I get freaking headaches all the time and i know they are from Depression. I saw people's posts that the depression can last forever..But i don't want it to last forever. I want to enjoy life. I just feel like i'm wasting my days when i should be doing things I should be enjoying...

 

[Anna]

Have you tried eating "feel good" foods that can boost your serotonin levels? I find dark chocolate seems to help pick up my mood.

Dizziness can indicate low sugar levels which can also make you feel low. Maybe a blood sugar test with your doctor?

 

[Srain]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that I can relate. It will pass to where one day you will look in the mirror and you will see YOU and you will hear your own voice. You are changing, yes, but you are growing, with that are pains, no denying. You have a right not to like it.

((((hugs))))))
peace,
Rain

 

[HannahR]

Your apathy hits really close to home. Depression is the worst way to feel because it's so persistant, unrelenting, and physically painful at times. Whenever you recognize that you're beating yourself up about something try and remember that it's just the depression talking--you aren't a bad person! I have to constantly remind myself that I would never think any of the hatful things I do about myself (when depressed) about anyone else. I could never imagine being as mean to anyone else as I am to myself. I think you're really brave for sharing your feelings so openly and even though I don't know you and have never met you I would bet that you are an amazing individual. I hope the fog lifts soon.

I can't really speculate about your dizzy episodes because I don't know of any other medical issues you may have, but when my depression flares up the anxiety is never far behind. For me, the depression is murder on my head (I'll get headaches constantly), but the anxiety makes me feel sick. I'll feel constantly feverish, light headed, and generally queasy--it comes and goes in severity but is usually lurking throughout the depressed episode.

Best wishes,
Hannah

 

[lost4awhile]

I was reading a book on neurology yesterday and it said that apathy is a lot more difficult to treat than depression and they are not sure how to really treat it. I think there was some mention apathy and depression affect different areas of the brain too(I may be wrong). I will have to do more reading on this. I know health professionals have given me medication for depression/anxiety so often, yet although it helps that empty pit in your stomach the apathy is still there or worse. I hope you get some lust for life back soon. It's unfair to not be the fun, happy self you remember being. Anna's comment about food is something to consider that may help alleviate the severity. Biologically your brain can stop making or sending certain chemicals if you don't get the right nutrients. I know it's never that easy, but a healthy diet does help the symptoms some:)

 

[OKRADLAK]

When I first got PTSD the neuro symptoms were very bad. They kept saying it was depression and all that BS. However, as soon as I hit a certain age, they all got concerned and suddenly I am being monitored for a neurodegenerative disorder.

Long time ago I knew my BRAIN was hit, not just my mind. I do think that PTSD causes actual brain changes and brain damage. However, the brain seeks to heal itself so I have deduced that a lot of that brain pain was actually growth of new neurons.

They say there are clustered of neurons where the brain gets hurts and I believe it.

I picked up NEW skills after my PTSD which to me is weird. I had ZERO aptitude for languages and then after a terrible bout with the PTSD wherein I was psychotic almost, I suddenly had an apptitute for very complicated languages like Chinese.

When I took a University level class in two complex languages the prof was astrounded. And so was I. Where did it come from?

So your brain is also trying to heal. Do things if you can to facilitate that.........I know it's hard. But you are an important part of our group and we want to see you get better too!!

Even try one hard thing. I used to read one comic strip. That is all I could do. I would read Peanuts and then my brain would ache.

And pet a soft animal, too!

We are really rooting for you!!! Do not give in anddon't give up. Your brain is wanting to heal!!

 

[lost4awhile]

I had ZERO aptitude for languages and then after a terrible bout with the PTSD wherein I was psychotic almost, I suddenly had an apptitute for very complicated languages like Chinese.

This is so crazy!:) I had a bout similar and afterwards I remembered my Spanish and just became obsessed with it and started speaking it fluently when I hadn't in years. The brain is so complex!:)

 

[blynn895]

I too feel like my brains been damaged by 40 years of constant stress (life or death stuff alot of the time). The constant cortisol apparently is bad for your brain and whole body. I also attempted suicide (one and only attempt but I did a very good job almost), with pills and insulin (took something like 2000 units total), and since then I swear I've lost the ability to remember things, concentrate, organize etc. They did a brain scan when I was in the coma and said there was no damage they could see, but no one will tell me whether it has any effect afterwards. I was an admin assistant for years and I know theres no way I can go back to that kind of work (on disability for past 4 years). No idea what or if I can work again, definitely not the way I'm doing now.
Hang in there Megan, i h ope you get some help soon. I get dizzy too, when anxious mainly. Try to do calming grounding things when you feel that way.. take care of yourself how ever you have to do that. I have some good stuff on grounding from the PTSD program I was in recently at the local hospital here. It really helps me keep it together when I'm having trouble/feeling anxious. Message me if you want any of it to look at.
Hugs ~
Brenda

 

[VDWngr1355]

This is so crazy!:) I had a bout similar and afterwards I remembered my Spanish and just became obsessed with it and started speaking it fluently when I hadn't in years. The brain is so complex!:)

Thank god I am not the only one! My French and Turkish came back to me suddenly one day as well and it scared me. Glad this has happened to other people.