Desperate For Advice Please

[A little lost]

Thank you Joeylittle and Kilted. I'll have read of the articles. Your advice has been really valuable and much appreciated, thanks.

 

[Changing4Best]

If you were threatened in order to keep you shut up and quiet and not to tell about what happened to you, or if anyone else was threatened if you were to tell, this could be a clue as to why you cannot just be out with it.

You might also be embarassed about it and that could make you reluctant to speak up about it.

 

[A little lost]

If you were threatened in order to keep you shut up and quiet and not to tell about what happened t...

You're spot on I think. I had what you said and also accusations of being an attention seeker and drama queen in every aspect of my existence. Even when being bullied in school which was in my 'normal' not secret life I was told by teachers that the bullying was my own fault for being an attention seeker. I was too quiet and was too focused on getting perfect grades in school. I couldn't tell them I had to do my best otherwise it made things in my secret life worse.
An example from my normal life that I can say : When I got my wrist hurt badly by some of my classmates when on a school trip at 8yrs old, the teachers told me I had absolutely nothing wrong with it and to stop making a big deal out of it. They didn't even look at it. I had to sit outside the " staff room" until it felt better and then go back outside. When I was still sitting there 2 hours later, the teachers had been drinking ...I knew the smell of alcohol very well....they came out, saw me there and told me to get outside and stop being a drama queen. That week I had to do things like canoeing , abseiling, gully bashing etc and was told off and told I was attention seeking if I didn't join in because my wrist hurt and I struggled to use my hand. When we got back from the week long trip my grandma noticed I was protecting my arm a bit even though I wouldn't tell her about it. She took me to the hospital and that was when we found out my wrist was fractured in two places.
I am used to people not believing me. I have a medical condition that causes me to pass out that I've had since I was 13. No medical tests diagnosed it back then so I was accused of faking it by everybody, including the drs. It was only fairly recently that a test was invented that could diagnose what causes it and now I'm on medication that controls it. I spent YEARS being accused of being a faker.
It's the reaction I have come to anticipate, which I think adds to why I struggle to talk about the other stuff.

 

[A little lost]

Sorry, I got distracted by my stupid brain. I was going to say that yes I'm extremely embarrassed and ashamed. Though I still think that as an adult I should be able to say the words necessary to talk about it...but I can't and even that in itself is mildly embarrassing and just feels so pathetic.

 

[Changing4Best]

@A little lost I really feel so bad for you! One of the hardest experiences of my life was being accused of things I was not guilty of. I was an adult then, though what I was being accused of was not illegal, the folks accusing me made me feel that it was worse than being illegal! I was accused of being a drama queen too, though that term had not been invented or become popular yet, so it was basically that I was accused of looking for sympathy for something that did not in their eyes deserve sympathy. So, I can relate.

On the bullying issue, yes, I was bullied too. I did not get a fractured bone, but the bullying was bad none the less and at one point someone even tried to choke me and at another point I was thrown up against a cement wall and the back of my head banged quite hard into it. So yes, it was NOT FUN!

 

[A little lost]

@A little lost I really feel so bad for you! One of the hardest experiences of m...

Thanks SheilaKathy,. There is no need to feel bad for me, though I honestly really do appreciate the sentiment.
I'm not used to people giving a crap about what I think, feel or what happens to me. so please forgive me if I'm a little awkward or whatever, this is a new concept. I'm learning and trying to take it at face value though my defence mechanism is constantly running interference with the questions of "why are they being nice to me?". " what am I being set up for this time? ", "what are they going to do to me?"
Thanks for sharing with me. Not being believed and accused of things you haven't done can really bugger up the trust that anyone is going to believe a word you say. People can be very cruel and the ones who have no empathy are a dangerous breed.

 

[A little lost]

Sorry SheilaKathy, did that sound curt and ungrateful? I really don't mean to sound like that. I should have left it at ..Thank you.
I'm sorry that you were treated so badly , no-one deserves to be treated like that.
There is no competition about who had the worst time or anything like that.

I did not get a fractured bone, but the bullying was bad none the less

You don't need to worry about qualifying how bad something was/is on here ( from what I've seen so far), so the last part of your statement was already understood.
Trauma is trauma, it was someone being in a terrifying situation no matter whether it was one incident or a lifetime of it.
Thank you for your support.

 

[Changing4Best]

Hi, I don't get on here every day, and sometimes don't have time to reply, just read. I was not put off by your previous post or anything, no problem there @A little lost.

 

[A little lost]

I wish I'd not even tried to talk about it now. My T seems to think that I somehow caused the thing I told her about to happen, that I did something to make him do what he did. I haven't misunderstood her. I asked her to clarify what she was getting at with her questions and told her how I'd interpreted them. She definitely thinks I am to blame for what he did....I have absolutely no idea what I did wrong.....I told my T that and she says that I need to think again if that's what I believe! I knew trying to feel people was a bad idea.....no one has never believed me about things, so why would I think this time was going to be any different? Telling her that one I thought was the safest because it's the only one I don't think was my fault. I actually don't believe I could ever have done anything differently without having some sort of mystic power to see the future.
I don't believe I :
a) could ever have thought that where I was was unsafe
b) could have even known that me wearing a bikini for the first (and subsequently only!!) time was going to draw unwanted attention as the location was fitting for that attire....I was 13.
c) could have predicted what was going to happen....I hadn't even see the guy before it happened...I didn't even speak the language of the country we were in.

Shit, my heart is pounding , my ears are ringing and my hands are shaking!!!! I'm used to shaking when I even touch this stuff....but is the ears and heart thing normal???? My hands have suddenly gone painfully cold!
Anyway.....erm...how could I have done things differently when I didn't do anything different to what normal people do? Or at least I don't think so.
My reaction couldn't be different as I thought it was someone I knew messing about at first contact , he came from behind and I'm very short sighted without my glasses... I couldn't defend myself and I defy anyone who says that they could defend themselves when it's a case of you fight to to be able to not be drowned and try to get to the surface or fight the man and ....erm....what he ...er...
Nope....can't go there.. sorry...
Can't say ...
Sor ry.......erm... So how was it my fault?. Is my T right to blame me for it? Probably not enough info for you to say...oh god what if you say it's my fault too??
Going to post this before I bottle out and delete.

I knew trying to feel people was a bad idea.

Oh shit.....seriously wrong typo there!!!!!!
.....trying to TELL people.... Is how it should have read.
Oh bloody hell I need to go an get a bloody brain transplant.....anyone got a non- dumb blonde brain for sale???

 

[anonymous]

She definitely thinks I am to blame for what he did....

No. You are not. You can't make anyone do anything. It was a choice he made.

I can prove it.
The next time you see this therapist. Look her straight in the eyes and command her to walk into her reception area, then begin flapping her arms about clucking like a chicken.
Think she'll do it? I don't.

I have absolutely no idea what I did wrong.....I told my T that and she says that I need to think again if that's what I believe!

You didn't do anything wrong. You are not the first person ever to wear a bikini. Think how many women wear those without incident. There is no reason why you should be in extra danger or singled out because you put on a clothing article worn by countless women around the globe.

oh god what if you say it's my fault too??

I wouldn't worry about that. I can't see that happening here.

Just keep breathing, and take it one moment at a time.
One foot in front of the other, gets you where you need to go.

Keep hanging on.

 

[Lamename01234]

Hi A Little Lost
The ringing in the ears is a problem that has hit me. I was in therapy for something not related to any CSA trauma.
But a week before my wedding my abuser reached out to me via Facebook after 25 years. I had never thought about it or her.
In fact I had compartmentalized it so much I never had realized I could not remember 2 years of my life when I lived with her.
My T asked me if it was an appropriate relationship, and when I went home a few memories trickled in, none positive.
The next time I saw her we did EMDR for the first time. In that session I had intense feelings of gagging, she explained to me about implicit memories. A few hours after that session, I lost it. Flooded with memories. I spiraled down fast and hard. (broke up with wife, try to throw her out of car, checked into a hotel and for two days felt like I was reliving my abuse)

I suddenly had an intense ringing in my ears. I went to audiologist not thinking it was related to anything in therapy, had a hearing test and was told my hearing was totally normal. My audiologist and therapist and acupuncturist said it has to do with the vagal nerve. Even when I try to talk about the trauma I have uncontrollable facial tics. Sometimes my hearing fades and the ringing gets really loud in one ear. My therapist can be talking right in front of me and I can't hear her. It is a mind f-ck. This happen about 8 months ago and grounding has been drilled into me. Everyone believes once these memories are integrated the ringing will fade. My therapist has spoken to me a lot about Poly Vagal theory, hearing and facial expressions.

My audiologist explained it as our brain has a worker who files all our memories as they come in, a very type A worker. But when memories get triggered or flooded the worker can't keep up and the files pile up. So the workers throws them back creating a loop in our brain, which is what the ringing is, a constant loop. She said a lot of people think tinnitus creates depression but it is the opposite. Tinnitus is also a result of depression. Treat the depression and the ringing will fade or not be as pronounced.
I hope it makes sense and helps a little.

 

[Fayne Jane]

I have just started counselling for some stuff that has gone on throughout my life. It has total...

You are ok, you need to let your therapist know you are having a hard time sharing what you feel. The thing about therapy that is so hard for me is to be with a stranger and share my deepest thoughts of my attack, I feel so naked, so vulnerable. I am opening up myself to a person I don 't really know but over time I have come to trust my therapist and I know deep with on my heart I have to get past my attack and the only way to do so is by sharing, being honest. If you haven't been in therapy it is scary to share but it is the only way to move through issues. Let your therapist know of your struggles to share