Desperate For Some Help And Relief.

[BloomInWinter]

I'm not in San Diego but OMG I am SEETHING with RAGE at how you & all our vets get treated!!! OMG WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!

My hubby is also a vet. I am SO SORRY for this treatment!!! PLEASE know that you are NOT alone, you have EVERY right to every feeling you have...and please, VENT AWAY. That we're all not screaming in the streets right now is so frustrating!

I did put in that call...we'll see what happens.

I read on here somewhere, I think, that harming ourselves is like taking poison and hoping our abuser will die.

Please don't hurt yourself...keep turning that anger outward but not harming yourself or others.

Getting a bag of ice, then THROWING handfuls of it...super-hard...imagining it to be windows...super hard against a garage wall helps.
Or twisting up a towel aroud a chair....buying crappy old plates from the salvation army and SMASHING them against a concrete patio...
...working out.
..tearing paper
...using a sharpie marker to write "V.A." of a carpet remnant then stomping up and down, jumping on it....

Whatever works that rage out but without collateral damage to you or others.

You have witnesses to the injustice & indignity you've been put through.

Use us! We can take it.

...your rage right now is a GOOD sign. You are doing the hard, brave work of healing.

In gratitude for your service, and admiration at your strength...

 

[femaleveteran]

it does not help to get angry with the VA...I learned that a while ago just when trying to deal with them over an injury I received when a vehicle I was behind got blown up by an IED....I caught a huge peice of shrapnel in my leg and it shattered pretty much the entire upper part of my left tibia. When I was still in a Army hospital I got treated pretty well, but since I got medically retired and have been going to the VA, I have felt like nothing more than a number. But enough about all that or else I will get angry myself.

Thomas I am glad you are getting some help. I know it is frustrating. Right now I am angry because I feel like considering I was injured in an IED blast that I should have been referred to mental health right away. I was in the hospital for ten months right after it happened and the Army could have sent someone to see me, to at least tell me what type of symptoms to be on the lookout for. I mean they give you a lot of information when you get medically retired, as I was, but none of it really dealt with what I had in store for me.

I have watched my life and my relationships disintegrate over the last year right before my very eyes and, maybe because I am just dumb, I do not really know...but for some reason it was not until four months ago that I sought mental healthcare on my own. I think perhaps if someone had sat down with me a year ago when I was still in the hospital and talked with me one on one perhaps I would have been able to realize i needed help then..or maybe I would at least have known way before I did that something was wrong....instead I had to wait for my life to fall completely apart before I sought mental health at the VA. I know they cannot hold our hands but I would think in some situations that they would at least mention it...especially to people injured in a combat zone or people like you who had such difficult details like the funeral detail....I would have thought that they would have some sort of safety net in place or something, especially since they claim to know so much more now about PTSD than they did in any war from Vietnam on back.

I hope that you can get the help you need now and I suppsoe that is really all you can do is focus on the fact that you do finally have a diagnosis and you can now get the help you need. Being mad at the VA is like being mad at a tangled up mess of christmas lights or something....cursing, throwing them or even trying to cut them up with a knife does not do a daggone thing. The only thing any of us can do when we get out of the miltary with physical and/or mental health issues is try to figure out how to navigate the system and then try to do so as skillfully as we are able to. I do not really know of anything else I can do myself other than try to work with a system that is not all that friendly to 'beginners'.

Take care of yourself and I am glad that you finally have some sort of answer and I pray that you will continue to get the help you need.
Truly.

 

[femaleveteran]

Oh and if I was in San Diego I would be there for you in a minute my friend

 

[ThomasUSArmy]

The part I find so hard to except and understand is I have no real anxiety about combat. Noriega in panama or desert storm or the other things I have had to do. The funeral detail is the base of my problems and my PTSD. Putting a name to my problems has been such a relief to my wife today but for me I feel like I really should go check back in to the VA hospital. I have been in denial I don't really have PTSD I kept telling myself. Now that it has a name I am so devastated and having such a problem feeling with this. I really just need it to stop NOW. There is such a difference between a bar fight between two drunks with beer muscles, and giting into hand to hand combat where you know only one person will be alive in just a few moments. That fear and adrenaline is where I go and how I get during my attacks of fear and confusion. So when I am out of the house I get such fear and overwhelming anxiety and when I am at home thoughts of cutting or ending it all is what I feel. So every day this is what I have to look forward to and it really really needs to stop I just can not get any relief from myself who I don't even recognize anymore...I can't do this
Sorry about all this I will shut up now!!!!!!!!!

 

[Iron_Angel]

No need to apologize and no need to shut up either. Talking it out is a big help, especially when there are people who understand and have experienced similar things. Getting past denial is a big step, so good for you for being willing to acknowledge that this thing called PTSD is real. Once you recognize it, you can start to deal with it.

I know the funeral detail was very hard for you. I'm sorry you had to experience that, and the other things you've mentioned. You have gone above and beyond in serving, and that sacrifice IS appreciated. I am grateful for you and others who have had to do the unthinkable.

It's okay to take care of yourself and do what you need to do to feel safe. You have a wife supporting you, and that's a great blessing as well. Please decide to hang on until you can feel better ... it will come. It does take time. Stick with us to get the support you need, there are some very caring people here. Your posts tell me that you are a valuable human being with a lot to offer, along with a very hard road to travel. You don't have to travel it alone. Hugs!

 

[ThomasUSArmy]

This roller coaster of emotions is killing me. It is a nice sunny saturday morning and my family wants to go do something outside i say ok like a dumb ass and instantly I find my PTSD hiding in the corner ready to strike. I know it's there and just waiting to show it's ugly head. It is so much easier to just stay home and hide in my room. I don't feel great doing that but it is the best time of the day for me. The feelings I have when out in public is best described as fear and confusion and panic. It is just a horrible way to live. If you can call it living. The gilt I get from not wanting to go outside is also overwhelming and I really am trying but it is not enough for my family I don't think. This PTSD NEVER completely goes away it just sits an simmers

 

[Iron_Angel]

I hate being out in public too --- the swarm of people just gets to be too much sometimes. But on a beautiful sunny day, it can be really nice to get some of that warm, healing sunshine. If there's a way to be in the sun with some quiet space around you, maybe your family would understand if you tell them you want to be with them but you need an activity that isn't too "busy" or hectic around you. In the good weather, a picnic in a quiet park might do it. Or if there's a place where you could sit quietly and watch them do whatever it is they want to do.

People who love us can understand when we need to be and have quiet. At least, we count on them to understand, and often they do. Kids in particular can be pretty good about providing that kind of support. Just tell them "I want to do something together with you. I just need quiet around me right now." Of course, kids being kids, they also need a time and place where they can be rambunctious, noisy, energetic, and just kids. It's possible to make it work so that they get their noisy time, and you get your quiet time, with nobody feeling bad about it. Sharing and co-operating is what families do best. :-)

 

[alixipain]

I avoid wal-mart (Shop at 3am if I have to), for groceries I go to Aldi (I drive by to see parking lot first), My "me" time consists of going somewhere wooded or a lake, Might be morbid *MAY NOT BE GOOD FOR YOU THOMAS* But I go to cemeteries for picnics very few people around!!

A month ago the g/f insisted on us visiting my first wife Linda's and child Julia's graves. She had been after me for almost 2 years, I still to this day cant go to Linda's, I cry automatically get filled with guilt, then angry all week! We went to find Julia's (Their buried in different cemeteries) I couldn't find her! I still feel guilty that I haven't been there in nearly 18 years, and guilt that I couldn't remember where she is! I searched the states data base on where she might be buried, it stated the cemetery we went to but still not sure where.

Talking about their deaths fill me with grief and guilt for I blame myself. I loved her like I had anyone since, I know I never will love anyone as I did her! However I do want to move on, start a new, but going to be very choosy about her, it cant be the g/f for I swear she wants to push every button I have just to see how far she can push me, gets me upset, then plays it off that I'm upset over nothing. My biggest button is not letting me finish, constantly interrupting to prove a point of some sort, tells me she doesn't care, tells me I'm telling her stories when I have to go to work all hours of the night when I'm on call. "I don't trust you!" is what she tells me.

Why is it people get you to open up to them, then turn around and state they don't trust you, I got this as a teen when I went to counsellors and I closed myself off to others because of it.

Today I'm at my breaking point, I'm craving someone to hit me just so that my desires to be touched are satisfied!!

 

[blueangel371115]

(((Thomas)))
I know this is frustrating but hang in there. People are listening, people care. I agree with the idea of calling your congressman. I may just call mine. This is unfair to you and all other vets. God Bless, hang in there.

 

[femaleveteran]

I shop at the twenty-four hour grocery store. I do not like lines in the store so I shop when I know I can get in and out quick. Last year right after I first got home, my ex- bought tickets to go see the Charlie Daniels Band in concert at the Friends of Coal Concert. I agreed to go and then when I got there the mere sight of the parking area freaked me out. I could not get out of the truck. I had a panic attack full-on and my ex- got upset with me over it. I can understand why, but I still do not think there was anything I could have done to make things any better that daya. All i kept doing for the next 7 months was trying to be with him in various outdoor situations. None of them really worked but at least now I can say i tried. He might not have understood very much but to me, that is not saying someone won't understand sometime.

You just have to keep trying thomas. Eventually your family, who loves you will understand what your limitations are and what your strengths are. They will adjust and eventually you will adjust and you will find that you can probably test your limitations. You might not be able to now but you will be able to sometime.

I always tell myself that life cannot be like this forever. I was not always like the person I am now and so I will not always be like the person I am now either. Does that make any sense? It does when I say it to myself but seeing it typed out I am not sure. I used to be sure of every word I ever said and even those I am not certain of now. But I will be someday;) and so will you. Just keep the "faith", whichever one you have....even if it is in yourself...that is the only person I am certain of these days and I suspect many of us feel that way.

Like you I am not terrified of the things I cannot see...I am more scared of the things I see everyday. But one day I wil be able to walk up to those things and have no fear. I hope that goes for you, too, and sooner rather than later.

 

[Greg Clark]

Bro, you're here because you want help - so don't give up. You can make it. Things may be tough now, but you do start coming right. I know about the thoughts and how scared you are. Please go to the ER bro. You need to lean on other people right now.

 

[blueangel371115]

Please go to the ER. People need you. I'd be upset if you weren't here. PLease.