No, no...that's the one I was referring to although, as I said above, it never really got a chance...I killed it in its infancy.
Cindy, sorry to read you're having such a hard time. Wish I could offer any words of wisdom but in this area I'm pretty useless. Hang in there.
Yes, I remember you saying it wasn't really a relationship. I just wondered because you said he moved on if he was in a relationship with someone else now. I meant it would be hard to see that but at least it would be closure or finality to it you know. Instead of my past guy...where I just have to come to grips. And honestly I feel like I am just hiding behind B..right now so I don't have to face the situation with my husband because I have been thinking about him way too much, like maybe if I'm single and you know he's single, maybe I could get him to see me. Oh geez, because I am not in a healthy place at all. I have no idea when I'm going to be. And i'm just obsessing about him and all of my past crap, writing letters to him in my head. It's not good at all. I'm so tired of my brain and it's trying to hide behind crap because it's done that for years and years because it didn't want to look at the sick shit that happened to me. I want to face all the ugliness head on...and I can't even control my own brain! I've been depressed to the point of almost being sucidial because everything that happened to me is just compounded. My husband was yelling at me and bringing B... up to me and going, do you think he'd want you to let all of this ruin your life? No, he wouldn't. He would be yelling at me and throwing in lots of swear words since he was in the military. Because he did that in the past when all I thought I was dealing with was date rape, that's all I wanted to look at! He was yelling at me then, going, "How long are you going to let yourself be afraid?" And then he figured me out and told me I was hiding behind these rules I had for myself like not going to guys apartments. "You think that keeps you safe? It doesn't. You have to admit you were powerless and vulnerable and that's what scares you!" And not only that but hiding behind the whole experience because there was someting worse, telling me I liked that guy and his apartment because then I didn't have to look at what really had terrified me. Of course he was right. Also you know, my husband couldn't help finding out but the whole thing with B...well you know he knew about him anyway, since he was an exboyfriend but he just thought he was a jerk and wanted to shack up with me because that's what I believed. Sigh. Then when the whole PTSD blocked memories came up, I was sobbing over B... going OMG I just left him standing there. I loved him. And I was repeating it and my husband was there and oh geez. Seeing your wife sobbing over a guy she loved and losing it is not good for any relationship esp. one like ours that wasn't strong to begin with. He started asking me questions like if your brain hadn't shut off and blocked him out do you think you and I still would have ended up together? And you know when your husband asks you something like that, really you should just lie, you should, or go oh well that doesn't matter now cuz we're married. No, you know what I say since I'm an idiot? LOL. sorry that was mean to myself. I say, no, if you want to play the what if game, then no, we wouldn't be together because if my brain hadn't shut off, I would have never left him and I would have married him and you and I wouldn't have even met. (Because the only reason we did is because my friend took me to his house and then her and his family were setting us up on a date and i'm sure they wouldn't have done that if I was in a relationship.) Then after that he was insecure about him...SIGH. Well of course cuz I was having a hard time getting over stuff. And he says he can't handle the PTSD because he has his own problem and it is too much. And like I said, I'm hurt by stuff he did. It reminds me of the past which was not good with him and I keep bringing it up to him and he hates it, and geez I don't want to be THAT woman you know. Now like I said, I am so tired of my brain. I can't focus. it wanders. And you know it still doesn't want to look at the whole picture of what caused the PTSD! It trys to play games and I don't like it one bit. Because I know what happened, I have enough of it, but no it doesn't want to see it. I can feel it, all of it, and my brain just wants to put up this wall through the middle of it and go...I'm not going past that...I don't remember. Yeah right, it just doesn't want to! I'm so sick of my brain lying to me. I lied to myself so well, didn't even know when I was doing it. And my brain is still trying to do it, hide behind stuff, and do mental gymnastics, so it can cope..It makes no sense! Because what does it do when I love B...and get scared of losing him, it goes, let's pretend he doesn't exist, he's a whole different guy! One you don't really like because he's a jerk. And then when you lose him, it won't hurt so much! Seriously? Because then it just created the loss for itself... because he wasn't going to leave me, my brain left him! He even said that to me, "CIndy you've lost me. And you don't realize you've lost anything." And honestly I had a hard time breaking with jerky him! It was like6 months before I wanted to go on a date and I didn't even think we were serious. SIGH. Again this is getting long. And I don't know if it's helping me. I did have a breakthrough with the doctor with my traumatic experience and since then i've been even more stuck in the past. I think that thread I was reading about EMDR and dealing with your trauma was true, it gets worse at first before it gets better. I'm really hoping it's going to work and get me through this. Here's hoping I can deal with all this crap and get in a healthy spot!
