Sexual Assault Diagnosed With Borderline Personality Disorder And Worried About Possible Sexual Abuse?

[aimeegreen]

From age 13 (now 18) I've been seeing a psychiatrist for mental health problems. I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder last year. My dad drank heavily and was verbally/physically abusive, till he left at 8. The docs know my past. Sorry if this is long, I desperately need ADVICE.

I started getting the feeling something else happened, at age 15. It's like I suddenly was aware that there was a memory at the back of my mind, I can't figure out what. It literally came out of nowhere one day and brought on nausea and anxiety. Have you ever done something but cant visually remember doing it, the memory is vague but you know there is something there? That's the best way to describe this feeling.
I started getting panic attacks age 15, I couldnt breathe properly for up to 20 mins. I even woke in the night unable to breathe, paralysed with fear but I don't know why. I was hospitalized for suicide attempts.

Im nearly 19 and never been in a relationship - I feel repulsed at sex/being touched. Since age 15 I've had a large amount of rape and molestation dreams. I have been prescribed sleeping pills in the past. What worries me more is I have a permanent dark purple scab on my genital area, I first saw it at 11. I've never injured myself in that area. I told my mum and she said I was NEVER born with it. It bleeds profusey if i try to remove it. I had a lot of Urinary infections from young age too and pain when peeing.

When dad left, my brother would still see him but I wouldnt because I was terrified. Another thing that worries me when I look back is I got caught ages 6-9 on porn sites a lot. I would touch myself and wanted to do adult things with people. I got turned on by seeing adult videos and wanted to have sex. The same age we'd play dares with kids and I wanted to strip naked and touch people. I've a memory at age 6 touching another girl's privates and sticking an object in her.

I don't want to suggest anything but I dont know what to think. I know I can go talk to someone but I want opinions from people here first. I'm worried there may have been sexual abuse too and I feel disgusted for thinking that. I know I'm the only one who will figure out this but does anyone think it's a possibility? This isn't just based on sexual behavior at a young age, it's also the sudden deterioration at 15 when I became aware of some blank memory that brought on panic attacks.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My heart feels deeply for you. Your story is similar to the experiences of many, many people who struggle with their memories. I think only a trained trauma specialist should be diagnosing you. I am diagnosed PTSD and later with BPD as well. I have vivid abuse memories and also what you describe as something suddenly coming into your minds view with panic, fear and trouble breathing. I am no longer haunted when I have those episodes. For me, I do better if I concentrate on coping skills and grounding exercises so I don't dissociate and become self destructive.

I think sexual expressions aren't uncommon in young children. How you managed to access porn so young is actually frightening. You are lucky to be having therapy. Things have a way of manifesting when you are ready for it. I wouldn't force the particulars. If you were watching a lot of porn at such an impressionable age, some of your distress may be coming from the internalization of those images. But, seriously, only a trained specialist has the experience to guide you. I wish you well, keep up with your therapy and read and share here so you don't feel so isolated.

 

[aimeegreen]

@KwanYingirl Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I haven't even explained everything about why I believe something else happened because it would be too much.

I just needed to get this out here because I feel crazy and guilty like Im doing something wrong. I didn't make this up, the feeling that something sexual happened almost hit me like a ton of bricks, and that's when I developed panic attacks daily and ended up in hospital.

I guess what I really wanted to know is why did I suddenly get that feeling and vague memory that something happened? I keep thinking "what if I did make it up", but It just happened. And when I look back on my childhood some things raise red flags.

I know none of you can tell me anything because you aren't me, but I don't know if this is normal or not. I don't want to go to a trauma therapist unless there is a chance something did happen, thats why I wanted an opinion on if this is "normal" or not and why would I get these random vague memories?

Also, last November I was at a party and drunk too much (the age to drink here is 18) and I was blackout drunk and only have a few fragmented memories. One of which was me crying about something my dad did, and people were trying to calm me down because I was bawling my eyes out. I was in a LOT of distress that night.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Working on your perceptions and symptoms is a process. It takes a long time to unpack all the baggage. It's kind of counterintuitive to figure things out and then go to a trauma specialist. Have you discussed your concerns with any of the therapists and psychiatrists that have cared for you in the past? I assure you, there's nothing in your story that is shameful or worth feeling guilty about. You are clearly distressed and you deserve support and validation.

 

[aimeegreen]

@KwanYingirl There is something I didn't want to mention but I should. I think it was around aged 15 when I remembered this, and I never thought much of it because it's vague and short, but I know it did happen.

It's memory of me sitting on a man's lap, and I had no underwear on. He was touching and looking at my genitals.

For some reason, I always thought that memory was a Doctor examing me. But it's only recently something struck me as odd, well two things. If I was having that type of exam I would very lying on an exam table/bed, not on a doctor lap. Also, a Doctor would wear gloves in an exam.

Up until now I knew it was a memory and thought nothing of it but since I have realised it was possibly molestation I keep trying to convince myself it wasn't real. And that concerns me more because I feel like I am trying to deny it when before it was a very real memory.


I'm finding it hard, it's just doesn't feel real. Surely I would have remembered sooner it was wrong? As for thinking it was a Doctor, I do not believe in anyway it was a Doctor. If it was sexual abuse, then isn't it possible the person told me they were a Doctor and that's why I have assumed it for all these years?

I can't see where it took place in the memory, it's so vague. I CANNOT tell my mom.

 

[Lucycat]

Even if was a doctor, for you to be sitting on his lap while he examines you is totally inappropriate. I know sometimes doctors will examine a small child while they are on a parent's lap, but it certainly does not sound like this in your case. I can imagine that 'somebody' could tell you they are a doctor, or tell you that it is some kind of 'let's pretend' type of game.

I do think it is important that you investigate these thoughts and memories with the support of your therapist. They will have heard it, and much worse many times before. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are 18 - you don't have to tell your Mum, and your therapist is not allowed to tell your Mum unless you want them to.

 

[Pietro]

Agree with @Lucycat. You should definitely mention these things to your therapist. He/she will be able to help you sort through this stuff.

Just as general reassurance, nothing you are saying sounds "crazy". You should trust your feelings and your inner instincts. If you feel that this is something that needs attention, then you can be confident about bringing it up with your therapist.

 

[Kintsugi]

My memories resurfaced between the ages of 13 and 15. After uncovering the first one, I remembered why I had always dismissed this vague memory as a dream. I had confronted my abuser when I was probably 8, and he told me it was a dream and that I was sick for saying those things. I still don't remember probably 90% of what happened. I remember lots of boys from one memory, but my abuser told his therapist (who told me) there were at least a dozen other boys involved. I don't know if those memories will ever surface. I pretty much don't remember any of the actual abuse. It's like watching a film edited to have a lower age rating.

Edit: what I am saying is that I empathize what you're going through, and you sound perfectly sane.