Relationship Did I Do The Right Thing?

[lovemyvet]

Hi All,
For those of you who know my situation, my combat vet basically disappeared for a month isolating. That is not all together unusual, but the fact is that he was in Korea, supposed to come home, and nothing! No texts, no calls, nothing...he just disappeared. I've been near frantic trying to make sure he's ok...that's all I need, just to know he's ok...the relationship stuff we can deal with if he chooses to.

So here's the thing...I reached out to three mutual friends and none of them have heard from him either. Should I have not done that? They all told me not to worry, that they know him well and this has happened before. I don't want him to feel like I'mk hunting him down. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't dead, in jail, or in trouble.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Although I am not familiar with your situation, I do not see that you did anything wrong? I sure hope that he turns up for you to have peace of mind.

 

[Silver.]

I was actually just reading your original post this morning. I understand your concern for his well being, and I think if they are mutual friends, there is no harm inquiring to make sure he is okay. If all of them think he is okay, then I think you don't need to concern yourself that something is wrong. (it almost makes me think they have heard from him, and that is why they are assuring you he is fine).
and it doesn't come across as hunting him down at all to me, it comes across as concern.
In my opinion, you have done what you can, to reach out to him. I wouldn't go much farther though (such as reaching out again to these people or messaging him anymore). He knows you are seeking him, he might hear from the friends you are seeking him, and it is up to him to reach out now.
You had made the decision that you were done waiting, and that (to me) seemed like a good decision, because PTSD is not an excuse to cut someone out of your life for such a long period of time. I know you might be worried, but I think you need to stop fretting about him. I believe it is time to move on x

 

[Mytime]

I don't know your story, but I agree with silver. Time to move on, I understand isolation. But to be in a different country
and not leave a simple text, Ilike I'm ok.
At some point, you have to ask yourself, where's the respect. Sorry your feeling so worried. Sending a hug if you expect:)

 

[redsandy]

I get the same kind of awol from my husband
It makes me feel worried, anxious, afraid, I question our bond - all of it.
Courtesy doesn't seem to be in his vocabulary
I've been accused of hounding him, which makes me afraid to make contact,,,and then, if I do, I feel he may be cross with me and then worry again - does this sound familiar?
I know how I feel in this situation, but know everyone has different paradigms and personalities - so won't assume you feel the same as me,,, unless you do?
You've done nothing wrong - the way he reacts is the way he reacts,, and its his to own
Worrying if you've done the wrong thing Will not change his view of it.
I think we worry because stress can cause irrational or erratic behaviour in our vets, we are used to their projections, we worry about triggering them - but these are all due to our love for them,,,, we worry because we care
A woman that isn't worrying about her man is a woman who may have stopped caring - you have said you've had it,,, of course you have! But you've only had it with his behaviour,,, not with the man. I'm there myself, right now.
Now,,, I have to try and take my own advice hahaha,,,, oh how good I am at giving it but not using it to comfort myself!
Be of good courage, hold fast.
X

 

[EveHarrington]

I've been raked over the coals for doing that! However, put in the same situation again, you better believe I'd do the same. It's called caring----- :hug:

 

[lovemyvet]

@Silver. and @Mytime ... I agree with you both. Oddly though, the friends I contacted haven't heard from him either since about the same time that he stopped texting me. They've known him longer and they tell me this is not unusual behavior for him, especially in the summertime. He isolated last summer too but not nearly this long. Maybe like 2-3 days at a time.

I know I should let go, step away, and get on with my life, but it's soooo hard. I love him, plain and simple. I will not text him again, or talk with his friends again though. You're right. He know's I'm looking and worried. If that's not enough for a simple text back then I'm worth more than that.

Thank you everyone for being so supportive and encouraging :)

 

[Silver.]

If that's not enough for a simple text back then I'm worth more than that.

Yes, you ARE worth more than that. You should be proud of yourself, for having the strength to say and feel that. *hugs*

 

[Mytime]

I agree with Silver. You have needs also, setting boundaries doesn't mean your being pushy or invasive. Needing a text saying he's ok is normal. It can be one word, like ' ok'. Then you know he's safe. Wishing you the best.