Did You Feel Relieved When Your Abuser Died?

[digger]

No. It was just the beginning of a whole new chapter of this nightmare.

 

[Hashi]

I haven't read the whole thread, but I am so looking forward to one of my abusers dying. I'm watching the clock really. Then I no longer will have to deal with them.

I would love for them to be in spirit and no longer attached to their pain and mistakes in this world.

I would love for the rest of us to be free of them.

I like the idea of them being gently guided, in a compassionate way because that's how I believe it happens after we die, through their life and the effect they had on other people. I don't think there's anything anyone in this world could say that would get through to them. I do think that what is revealed to them after they die will finally let them understand. They badly need to.

I long for everyone who has suffered from having the misfortune of them being in their lives, to be released from them. And they'll be in spirit and released from who they have been. Everyone wins.

 

[Philippa]

I have the same feelings Hashi, in regards to feeling as though I will be able to finally communicate with them after they die as to how their behaviour affected me, and they will listen this time...and will feel the dismay of knowing that there is nothing they can do now to make it right again...that will be their hell.

I also believe the person is forced to re-visit their life, every moment of it and see where they hurt others. I somehow intuit that's how things work...though I don't really know of course. For years I've felt diabolical for thinking that things will be better when they die. They will finally be forced to look at themselves, and see the truth. Denial is not an option in those last moments.

Sometimes I imagine my provider is already dead and sees me while I am working...and is forced to really see me, the way I am, and cannot escape the fact that he missed that his whole life. What a tragic thing to discover after you die. That to me is the scariest, saddest thing, and I truly feel scared for him. I have a feeling he has already died, but haven't googled his name yet. This thread reminded me I could do that and find out. A part of me wants to know, and another part of me is a bit frightened to know?

I have thought about what I will say at his funeral so many times now, and how peoples faces would turn to shock when they started to hear what I had to say. I would tell the truth about him, and they would sit there in disbelief. I imagine my brothers would even stop me halfway through and physically remove me from the stage.

I feel conflicted about knowing I'd feel relief and then also feeling guilty that I have not had the same level of abuse (trying not to compare my story to anyone elses here, but it's still hard to feel justified sometimes when there was no sexual abuse). I guess I'm still battling the wiring from having lived with them for so many years...and the familiarity...and the fact that I am still finding my own family here and now. I did feel relief a few weeks ago...I think he is dead. I don't know for sure though. I'm a bit scared to check google...

I don't really miss them, but I do sometimes feel really bad about leaving my mother to grow old and die, even though my brothers will be with her. I am still going through the battle of fighting the urge to call her. When I think about calling her, my brain is flooded with this feeling of well being and relief...which is confusing. Cutting them off felt so wrong, even though I knew it was the right thing to do for me. So, it's still confusing at times.

I also feel hated by my middle brother, who was my fathers mini me, and sacrificed his own individuality to be his narcissistic supply, and who is the primary money maker in the family, and will be the one to pay for old peoples homes etc. I'm sure he will never forgive me, but part of me feels it is my revenge to them both for being such f*cktards to me for so many years.

 

[Hashi]

I have the same feelings Hashi, in regards to feeling as though I will be able to finally communicate with them after they die as to how their behaviour affected me, and they will listen this time...and will feel the dismay of knowing that there is nothing they can do now to make it right again...that will be their hell.

Philippa, those are not my feelings and not at all what I said. I'm not wishing them dismay or hell. I'm wishing them understanding and release.

 

[Philippa]

Philippa, those are not my feelings and not at all what I said. I'm not wishing them dismay or hell. I'm wishing them understanding and release.

I'm not saying you are wishing them hell Hashi, or dismay...I said that the way I look at what a person goes through when they die would land them in their own personal hell when they are forced to see how their behaviour affected others...but I didn't say YOU personally wished that for them, did I.

You are putting words into my mouth here. I know it's not exactly what you were saying or feeling, and maybe I did not communicate clearly enough with words, but I was trying to convey that I related to what you were saying in regards to feeling like they do re live what they have done.

Why is it that you seem to find something to pick out of everything I say lately? You focus in on one little thing, and decide to take me to task about it, and it's coming off to me as quite aggressive. That's how it seems lately, interacting with you.

 

[Survivor2Thriver]

I felt good riddance after my grandfather died. At the time I didn't understand why. The rest of them? They're already dead in my mind.

Through the years people have asked about my family/parents. Last week a new friend was sharing his mother was ill and it didn't look good. He asked if my parents were still alive. I laughed and said "I don't know..good question!" He laughed ~arms in the air~ No further questions needed. :D

Always add humor.....:)

 

[Arriadne]

I just lost a horrible and nasty brother who kept trying to sue me in the Supreme Court he caused me PTSD through the system. I do feel so relieved. However, I refuse to be brought into the guilt by my 2 younger brothers that I should help. I am saying, no, no, no.

 

[Bosco2153]

My abuser was my father. I was very relieved in many ways when he died.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Immensely

 

[AbigailMF32]

After 7 years of abuse, I finally left my husband and filed for divorce. I was starting to feel very empowered and for the first time in nearly a decade was looking forward to what the future held.

My husband committed suicide on my birthday before the divorce was final. I feel a million different ways and they change every two minutes. Mostly I'm pissed because he bulldozed my life into ruins without any repercussion. I'm left to rebuild and it was all for nothing.

My family refuses to talk or hear about it. They think I should be thrilled and see no reason for any negative emotions.

Others tell me I should be grateful he didn't take me with but I'm secretly angry he didn't. (I should clarify that I am in no way suicidal)

 

[MCCS]

Today for the first time I heard another person talk about their perpetrator passing away and feeling glad they were no longer walking the earth. My instant thought was that I understand, I want mine to pass away but at the same time how guilty I feel for feeling that. It has been 10 years since the abuse ended and we have worked on trying to build a relationship as family members over the years. I know he won't hurt me anymore, so I should feel relief in that but I don't. I have to face him at family gatherings as if nothing happened due to the majority of the family not knowing. When everyone's leaving I feel forced to hug him or make some stupid joke about why I don't hug him. The fact that I'm just beginning therapy for this might be contributing to wanting him to pass away so I have that relief. I used to want him to die more than anything, I absolutely hated him to no end, I was so angry. Now I don't know how to feel but relief is far from it. Even when he does pass away I feel like I'd have to pretend I was grieving. There's no way other family members would be able to process the emotions that go along with knowing what happened, especially so shortly after him passing away. I feel I would want to go to his funeral but at the same time wouldn't know how to act there..

 

[hodge]

I felt very relieved when my ex died suddenly at a pretty young age (50 or so). Our marriage broke up because I walked in on him molesting his 5-year-old daughter. I left him the next night -- after talking to his daughter and reporting him. It was horrible. I'm just sorry he lived to probably molest another young girl -- his next wife had a young daughter. But at least he can't hurt anyone else now.