I've lost everything else that hard.
^It's incredibly hard and I am so sorry! :hug:
I don't want to sound simple and stupid here however you have not lost everything... bc you have an amazing capacity to recover. That came with you when you left the relationship. It wasn't left behind.
Right now spinning into a hopeless and helpless cycle appears to be the only thing that will happen. However, give yourself some time and space and very slowly, extremely slowly you will turn your life around.
Your ptsd is manageable. So keep working on that. Your daughter is still alive (obviously thanks in a big way to you) so her depression hasn't killed her yet and it too can be slowly managed.
I know you've probably been told this but the hardest part is now over. You made the decision and left. You are now in a position where there really is only one direction to go and that is upwards.
When women leave abusive men there is a mixed bag of emotions and not all of them are easy to admit. Justification (s), guilt, anger, relief, helplessness, fear - just to name a few and they seem to revisit for a long time. But eventually they too quieten down.
So if you are not feeling particularly strong and capable right now it's more than likely bc you are swirling around in a pool of loss and grief (over the relationship and everything that it could have been if not for....) And feeling too damn tired to begin again. This is completely understandable so don't be so hard on yourself.
And..simply adjusting to not having the threat of harm or harm itself present on a daily basis is huge. It's amazing how long the body and mind will stand up to abuse etc., and when it is no longer there... it all starts to fall as if the threat was still there.
Please don't give up on yourself now. You have actually achieved a huge amount by simply leaving and pulling the pin on the relationship. But now... yeah the real work begins and that is exhausting just contemplating it.
Whatever you do now, you do it for yourself and you deserve the best
for yourself and
from yourself. (and so does your daughter). Give her an example of how you can stand back up again and move on... imprint that on her and it will stand her well.
Children don't stop learning from their parents because they grow older. They still watch, learn and listen. So if she too has a mental illness, support her and show her that you will not abandon her and that you have resilience. It will be a good example for her to see.
It sounds like you are incredibly tired in every respect. Don't mistake your capabilities though. They have been worn down by the 'relationship' and you need time to consider options and rehabilitate yourself. That's completely normal.
I can't afford to stay in the area so will have to move 40km away from social support
^That's not good news. Do you have adequate transport etc? Is the social support you are leaving able to get out to you? Is there any way you can get some further financial support to stay closer to those type of facilities for a little longer bc it sounds like you need some help for a while to stabilise. Do you have a women's support group for mental health, DV, Suicide.... anything like that?
If ptsd is preventing you from gaining employment then please understand that this may be able to be resolved. If you can recover and manage the ptsd better, your chances of employment may then improve.
In the meantime do you have a lawyer or someone helping you to sort out the financial and legal aspects of separation?
You will be ok. Lean on those that can and will support you. Reach out for help to trusted ppl and allow them to help you along the way. It's hard to trust again but there are ppl who can help. It is terribly hard but keep going macbeth - you are on your way and taking huge strides to a healthier and happier life.
You won't feel like this forever. You won't feel so tired forever. You have a lot of living yet to do and a daughter to see clear of a crippling illness.
Having
any alcohol in a bath is a bad idea, anytime least of all with meds. I know you didn't do that deliberately but try and care (about yourself) a little more. It's also a horrible sight to find a person (let alone someone you love) dead. That would be devastating for your daughter.
What is next on your list to accomplish?
