Sexual Assault "didn't Count" Because I Didn't Say No

[Noxyoursox]

I joined the army when I was 19 years old. Right after I got out of BCT and was sent somewhere else for training, me and some other new soldiers were introduced to a male soldier who had been there a while and was assigned to show us around and teach us the rules, etc. He was very helpful, seemed like a nice person, and since he was placed in a position of authority over us (and also was about twice my age) I was inclined to trust him.

That evening when we were both off work I saw him by the rec center, and since I didn't have any friends there yet I thought he might be a cool person to hang out with. We talked and goofed off for a while, and when at one point he asked to kiss me I was wierded out but thought he was joking around, and I let him. A little while after that he asked me to go back to his room with him to play video games. I feel like I should have known exactly what was going on, but at the time I thought he was genuinely interested in playing video games with me, and agreed.

When we got to his room, he told me to sit on the bed, then instead of turning on the console he sat on the bed next to me and started making out with me. At this point I began to realize what kind of situation I was in, but I held off on judgement because he was someone I trusted, and I didn't want to believe that I had been wrong about him. I also was scared because he was older and much stronger than me, higher ranking, and I knew (courtesy of his instruction earlier) that I wasn't supposed to be in the male barracks this late at night and would get in trouble if anyone found out about it. I let him make out with me and sort of went along with it (albeit in a very stiff manner because I was scared and also because I had zero experience with such things), hoping that if I cooperated I could avoid what I was really scared of--him getting angry and forcing himself on me.

After a while he got bored with it and told me to take my clothes off. I did as he asked, but then immediately told him I needed to use the restroom, hoping that if I physically took a break the mood would pass, or he would realize I didn't really want this. I was still hoping at this point that I was wrong and that he just didn't know how scared and disgusted I was. I wanted to believe that he was a good person who just made an honest mistake.

When I came out of the bathroom (which was inside his room) he had hidden my clothes. He made it out to be a joke, but it meant there was no way for me to leave until he gave them back. He told me to get back on the bed, then turned out the light and started touching me. I did not reciprocate, but just lay there frozen in terror and waited for it to be over. He complained that I wasn't responding to him, and expressed disgust that my legs were not shaved. At one point he stuck his fingers in my vagina, which was extremely painful, and when I told him that he was angry but stopped and tried to give me oral instead. Everything he did made me nauseous and scared, but he seemed to believe that I was enjoying it, and I thought he must be oblivious to the fact that he was hurting me. I didn't want to tell him what I really felt--no one wants to know that they have hurt someone so much, and I thought it was accidental. I didn't want him to feel guilty for something that was probably my fault for being to naive and stupid to not realize what he was asking from the beginning.

At one point his roommate came in, but since we were hidden behind an open closet door he couldn't see us. He asked the guy why he was sitting around in the dark, and the guy told him he had a girl over. The roommate didn't believe him so he told me to say something and prove it. I was ashamed and angry, I didn't want anyone else to know what had happened, so I said nothing. The guy was frustrated by this and started tickling me to try and force me to make a noise, but I gritted my teeth and managed to stay silent. He called me a bitch and was extremely frustrated when his roommate still didn't believe him and left.

After his roommate left he became much more agressive, physically moving my body where he wanted it to be and groping me hard enough to hurt. He was still wearing underwear, but rubbed his crotch on my face and told me he was hard. I thought this is it, he's going to rape me and there's nothing I can do about it, I could have asked the roommate for help if I wasn't so embarassed and so sure that he would laugh it off or participate. But at the last second, he stopped and told me he'd had a couple of beers earlier. He said that he couldn't have sex with me because he'd been drinking, and it would be considered rape if I had sex with someone who was drunk. I would be the one who was considered a rapist if he had sex with me. He gave me my clothes back, telling me that he would be masturbating about this encounter after I left. I couldn't leave fast enough.

I was really confused about everything that had happened. Even though I knew that what he had done was bordering on rape, I still thought that he probably hadn't known what he had done. I also didn't want to hurt his feelings or get him in trouble. I felt obligated to keep up the perception that I had been interested in him and enjoyed what he had done. Since he bragged about it to other members of our company, I also felt obligated to go out with him and be his girlfriend, because if I didn't I would be perceived as a slut who had a one night stand with someone generally considered unattractive by most people. I continued going out with him for four months, putting up with him touching me while making excuses to never be alone with him again. When I finally told him how I really felt and ended the relationship, he didn't believe me. I still thought he was just oblivious to what he had done.

I didn't report this incident until a year later, when he had been out of the Army for a couple months and was mostly beyond their reach. I was told by my Platoon Sergeant that there was nothing that could be done--it didn't qualify as rape because he never actually had sex with me, and it didn't qualify as sexual assault because I never said "no". I also discussed the incident with another soldier (who was male, and had expressed sexual interest) and he told me it was my own fault because the guy had had no way of knowing. My mom disagreed and said that the fact he hid my clothes was evidence that he knew.

I have had nightmares about this guy for 6 and a half years. Anytime someone makes any kind of sexual advance (even jokingly) it makes me want to throw up because it reminds me of him. He destroyed my ability to trust people, so that even now I am scared of men, keep a close watch on them and regard them as potential threats. The ones who are close to me I constantly (mostly automatically) scrutinize for any sign that they are sexually interested in me, and tend to regard any physical contact they initiate as a warning sign (even if it's something I wouldn't even blink at from a female relative, like a hug). If I am feeling aroused enough to masturbate I sometimes stop cold because I am suddenly reminded of him and can't stop associating him with the sensation. The one time I attempted to have sex with someone after this (a very close friend that I had built up trust with) I had a panic attack in the middle of things and had to stop. But I am consistently told by people that it wasn't his fault, he couldn't know that I didn't want it because I didn't tell him. That I should have said something, should have fought back. Maybe they're right, maybe I should have. It's not like that didn't occur to me at the time. But I was scared out of my mind, and didn't think I could actually win any sort of physical fight, and probably more than that, I thought if I went along with it it would be okay. I thought if I let it happen it wouldn't be rape, and I wouldn't be hurt by it.

Ugh, sorry for this huge rant, I needed to get this out because I'm so frustrated at being blamed for what happened. Hell I blamed myself for the first two years afterward. People don't seem to understand that I was acting in self-defense, doing what I thought would improve my chances of not being hurt.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I really identify with your situation and having been in a similar place as you, I feel for you as well. This type of thing has been on my mind a lot lately, and I thought you may want to hear my insight, as a male, just to shed some light on the mentality of others.

I felt those very things the first time my uncle came on to me. It was disbelief mixed with fear mixed with arousal mixed with disgust. It's terrifying and your body shuts down. Then goes with it to protect you and get you through that situation.

Now I struggle with relationships quite a bit- the only thing that really turns me on is kinda inappropriate touching and girls who may be not be enjoying it yet allowing me to go on for my own pleasure. But now that I've finally felt the pain of my abuse- 12 years after keeping it suppressed- I'm just so conflicted. My beautiful ignorance is gone.

I do have a point here, relating to your story... I guess many men actually do have good hearts and, sure, may have an incling or a feeling that you aren't 100% into it, but their own self esteem/ignorance/labido/whatever is keeping them from noticing or acting on that feeling. I believe many abusers are not the malicious type, but rather there are many types. The ignorant helpless type, the delusional type, those in denial... Etc.

Please note- I am not implying by any means that your abuser wasn't in the wrong. It's a horrible situation to be in- and you really cannot train a body to react to that. I just wanted to offer my perspective on it- and how I'm still trying to make sense of it all.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am so sorry for what happened!

Can I ask why you're telling so many people about your trauma? I think it's a good idea to only get into details with people who will understand and "get it"------otherwise you end up in a situation of constant invalidation. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is that you know the truth of what happened to you.

 

[JamesMcbear]

Writing is an invaluable tool. Thank you for inspiring me to put my darkness on the paper to allow some light to shine on it. You are awesome

I joined the army when I was 19 years old. Right after I got out of BCT and was sent somewhere else...

 

[Noxyoursox]

I am so sorry for what happened!

Can I ask why you're telling so many people about your trauma?...

I kept completely silent about it right up until I reported it a year afterward. Most of the people I've told have been family, members of my Queer Straight Alliance (many of whom have been through similar situations, though some cope better than others), or the occasional person I have been romantically involved with (these are the ones that are usually problematic, but also the ones it is most necessary to make clear to that there is no sex happening, ever).

I actually had a similar line of discussion with the school couselor a while back, and he felt that I have difficulty distinguishing where the boundries of trust should be (I tend to go through cycles of opening up to people I shouldn't, then completely shutting everyone out because I got hurt).

 

[Casey_03]

Did you suffer some form of trauma prior to this incident? In childhood maybe? I just ask because you describe yourself as being very afraid and sort of in a stupor from fear, and it seems like that's a common coping mechanism/response for victims of childhood abuse.

 

[Noxyoursox]

Did you suffer some form of trauma prior to this incident? In childhood maybe? I just ask because you...

That is something I have been puzzling over for a while now, because I definitely had some major emotional wierdness going on for most of my childhood, but if there was a specific incident or series of incidents I don't remember it. I do know that my first concept of sex when I started thinking about it at around 9 years old was rape, and I have never really been able to think of it in any other context (like it perplexes me that people would want that even though I know intellectually that they don't usually have all this emotional baggage attached to it). Rape very quickly became the go-to "bad thing" that the villains in my make believe stories did, because it was the most evil thing I could think of. I have never experienced sexual attraction, even as a teenager before this incident happened. Aside from that, I started thinking there was something wrong with me and isolating myself from other kids when I was around 8 or 9 (this was also when my temper started to be a major problem) and kind of immersing myself in a fantasy world; my parents got divorced around then and figured that it was because of that, and my grandma also died around the same time. I was bullied pretty heavily by kids who knew I would get in trouble for losing it and trying to hit them, and that continued pretty much the entire time I was in school until I graduated high school. I had no friends, and was constantly getting in trouble with my parents and teachers for getting in fights, and couldn't stand my younger sister because I was always getting compared to her seemingly perfect behavior (though that pendulum has swung the other way, now I'm the one whose behavior my sister's is being constantly measured against). I avoided people more and more because any interaction with them was pretty much guaranteed to be unpleasant. I tended to rely on make-believe characters for any social interaction I needed, and problem-solved by talking things out with them or creating "parallel" stories that mirrored the situation in some way. When I was 12 my parents started thinking I was crazy because I was still acting out my stories out loud, and I was scared that I would be institutionalized so I stopped acting them out and just kept them inside my head.

Basically there was definitely something going on, and probably multiple somethings going on, but it's such a tangled mess and I blanked out large portions of it so I don't know.

 

[Noxyoursox]

Did you suffer some form of trauma prior to this incident? In childhood maybe? I just ask because you...

Welp I pretty much skimmed your post and went off on my own thing without really answering the question. ^^; As far as specifically child abuse goes, my biological parents were not what I would consider abusive (I did get spanked pretty regularly, but never without reason and never when they were angry, three swats maximum). They played favorites a bit, and as I got older seemed to care only about my grades and chores and had no empathy for or understanding of my depression, but that was about the extent of it. However my stepdad and both of my dad's long-term girlfriends were and still are.

My dad's first girlfriend completely hated me, a fact which I recognized on our first meeting and immediately told my dad (but was repeatedly told that I was wrong about her, and so had to put up with her for ten years). I already was somewhat awkward in social situations, and she made it worse by shaming me for asking stupid questions, for not asking questions, any time I had a complaint she asked for a specific example and I froze up or otherwise phrased what I had to say in a way that made me sound stupid, and the complaint was ignored. She fed me and my sister as little food as possible (giving us the same amount that her 3-year-old ate when we were 8 and 9), insisted that we not wear the clothes we brought from our mom's house which she felt were hideous and unfashionable (but also buying us only the bare minimum of clothing and not replacing it when we outgrew it), wouldn't let us take Christmas and birthday presents home to our mom's house and insisted they stay at her house (but didn't stop our stepsister from destroying them and thought we were selfish for "not wanting to share"). When she found out my sister and I had a milk allergy, she purposely fed us things with milk and cheese in them because she thought we were lying. Being around her made me afraid to ask for help or ask for things I needed, and ashamed of needing to ask in the first place.

My stepdad was much more pleasant to be around initially, aside from horror stories about how every woman he'd ever been in a relationship with was a "psycho" and going into great detail about all the ways in which they were crazy, slutty, liars, etc., but has gradually gotten worse and worse over time. He frames everything negative he says as a joke, and accuses us of being wussy or hypersensitive if we find it offensive or hurtful, and usually finds a way to turn it into us unfairly judging him and "ganging up" on him. He refers to my sister as "sissy boy" and "grace" (in reference to her percieved clumsiness), and only speaks to her to ask her to do some chore or complain that she hasn't done one. He buys excessive (I mean really, really too many) amounts of toys and knick-knacks to placate my little brother and my mom respectively, but never actually spends time with them except going shopping (which my mom hates because he drags her around for hours to the point of physical pain and complete exhaustion when she could have gone in, bought the stuff, and been done in half an hour). He basically shut down my ability to sing in front of people by making fun of it, and frequently makes derogatory comments about our weight, our breasts, and just really wierd innuendo type stuff. He complains whenever people in the house are talking, even in other rooms of the house, but is always playing loud video games and movies even if someone has a migraine or it's really late at night. If anyone asks him to do something it usually results in him slamming down whatever he is holding or kicking something, yelling and cussing, even if it is something really small or something that everyone in the house is doing (like taking out the garbage or hauling in groceries). On the rare occassions that he actually plays with my little brother, it is in ways that really, REALLY bother and worry me (such as sitting on him, holding him down and refusing to let him go until he says "uncle" even if he's in tears, making a game of spanking him and shaming him for "liking it"). He also still takes showers with my brother even though he's 8 years old, which I have said is too old for that more than once to him and to my mom but he still does it. He has never hit my brother that I know of, but makes a lot of nasty threats (like really graphically violent kind of threats) and raises his hand like he's about to (both of which my brother has begun to imitate at school, which gets him in tons of trouble). I am really scared that at some point this will degenerate into full on physical or sexual abuse or both, or that it already has and I just haven't caught him in the act yet.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

I just think it's crazy how much early sexual encounters shape our lives and often cause depression and anxiety as an adult. It's like too uncomfortable to talk about with our kids so we just let them "figure out the journey" on their own.
It's really hard to pinpoint where the source of depression comes from, or the many sources, and that's where the years of therapy help and writing out what's bothering you (pen and paper are often more therapeutic than on a phone or computer).
Sorry about what you went through and best of luck on your recovery journey.

 

[Bowierocks]

I am new here and wanted to say as a survivor of CSA , I didn't say no during my rape( older brother ) . I wanted to but found it got stuck in my throats and I dissociated . That's not uncommon as the brain almost shuts down when faced with someone who is bigger and stronger or a 'no win' situation . I pretended I was asleep . . The crazy thing is I felt sorry for him and wanted to protect him even though he used to torture me . Like most survivors I blamed myself . . Your actions speak 'no ' and if consent is not explicitly given then that's rape . Rape can be defined as any sort of penetration . . Also what type of clod keeps on going when there partner doesn't respond ? . I found myself in a similar situation with a dear childhood friend who started kissing me . I had a huge crush on her .Clothes came off but then oddly she closed her eyes and became still. I stopped and told her to wake up ,what's going on? She responded I was going to do it anyway so what's the point ? She then told me she had been raped three times . .So yes ,of course I stopped all activity even though she initiated it . We have a responsibility to get consent ,and one does not have to say no as so many victims freeze up ,I myself included . . Anyway ,I hate to say it but we live in a rape culture and people will go to any lengths to deny that rape occurs . Even I as a victim denied my own rape . I don't blame you for being scared of sex with guys ,not in the slightest . I am straight but as soon as a guy expresses sexual interest ,I freeze up . I am always pretty hyper vigilant as well . . It is so tough admiting to oneself they have been raped ,but it is necessary to heal . But it took me 35 years to face it ,so it's understandable . 99 percent of rapists go free because society is sadly shrouded in silence when it comes to rape ..To have someone straight out say it wasn't who hasn't gone through it ,has no right to judge . One can't get it unless they have experienced it . . I am sorry this happened and I am here for you .