Difficult co-worker

[whiteraven]

I work with a woman who is maybe the hardest person I've ever had to deal with (and that's saying a LOT). Besides the fact that she is the textbook definition of a bully, she is intensely angry most of the time and very hostile and aggressive. As long as I don't cross her (confront her in any way or say something she doesn't like), we get along. I actually like her, but once she gets angry about something, she holds onto it until it dies a slow and painful death.

She answers to me on my shift but I tend to be very low key as far as managing goes. Still, the entire environment is affected by her behavior/attitude. I have tried talking to her several times to see if she understood how she comes across and I think she has no clue. I once said something about her sounding angry, and she screamed at me "I'M NOT ANGRY!!!!" Yeah.

I'd love to work somewhere else, or doing something different. It's just not possible right now. And it's gotten to the point where I'm incredibly anxious - I have started, in addition to everything else - getting sick to my stomach whenever I have to deal with her, or even hear her talking to someone else about something that makes her mad.

I have no idea what to do. I tried talking to our manager and she just waves me off. She hates to deal with her, too, so she doesn't. She is not out on the floor though and having to deal with her for 8 hours.

 

[Swift]

I read the blog "Ask A Manager", which has some really useful tips about dealing with people like that.
There's a whole section on co-workers like this - lots of scripts etc.

Is there any particular behaviour she's doing that you can point out to her, as a manager?

Sorry you're dealing with this.

 

[mamachick]

That sounds horrible. No wonder you are anxious and getting sick to your stomach. She sounds like a real bully. Maybe she can't see how she effects others but it sounds like it is not benefitting anyone by letting her get away with this. If she is angry, she has to deal with it.

I know that because of violence in my past, I am avoidant to angry people. However, I have had to push myself to be assertive and not tolerate it. I have come to realize that they can blow up and I can stay calm and carry on.

Do you think its possible for you and your supervisor to get a plan to be on board together in dealing with her? That would be best if you had that support to back you.

 

[whiteraven]

Do you think its possible for you and your supervisor to get a plan to be on board together in dealing with her? That would be best if you had that support to back you.

My manager is not in any way interested. She knows she's hostile and a bully, but since she only sees her briefly, she acts as if it's not her problem.

I read the blog "Ask A Manager", which has some really useful tips about dealing with people like that.
There's a whole section on co-workers like this - lots of scripts etc.

Is there any particular behaviour she's doing that you can point out to her, as a manager?

Sorry you're dealing with this.

Thanks!

I have pointed out certain things - in ways that are careful and not angry or threatening (in my estimation, anyway) - and I get an immediate, hostile response.

Unfortunately, everybody works hard to walk on eggshells around her. It's the only way to maintain a civil working environment. :-(

 

[Mach123]

I didn't want to read this I knew I wouldn't like it. All I can do is pray I never go this again. I wouldn't know what to do but suffer like you are. People say everyone goes through it but I feel like you. I hope the situation resolves and it's easier for you at work. I can watch people behave like this on tv now. That took a few years.

 

[whiteraven]

I read the blog "Ask A Manager", which has some really useful tips about dealing with people like that.
There's a whole section on co-workers like this - lots of scripts etc.

I checked this out. It has so much useful info. Thank you!

I also found a workplace bullying site that is really helpful.

I didn't want to read this I knew I wouldn't like it. All I can do is pray I never go this again. I w...

Thank you, @Mach123!

I think the situation is a difficult one for everyone, but esp. for those of us who struggle with trauma.

 

[Abstract]

The awful thing about behaviour like this is that they teach everyone around them to walk on eggshells. And that's without trauma. Its the last thing they need but who wants to deal with the backlash of confronting them. That sounds like exactly what has happened here for you and it sounds like noone in authority positions is backing you up. As usually happens. So sorry you are in the situation.

Oliver James has written a book on dealing with pathological personalities in the workplace that I keep intending to read but haven't yet done so.

I'm not sure what the best approach is but sympathise.

Im presently dealing with an authority figure who has a massive ego, undermines and degrades all around randomly, expects unreasonable amounts of ego attention, has zero capacity to empathy and is extremely dishonest. Just wish there was a designated country or area we could move to that was a Free-Of-These-People zone. As if hypervigilance isn't enough, huh? One aggressive nightmare person after the other (in the work environment) for me. I'm so over it and of watching my back. Can see you are too and no wonder. I hope she decides to move somewhere else and leaves for you.

 

[whiteraven]

Just wish there was a designated country or area we could move to that was a Free-Of-These-People zone.

I'm thinking I'd rather remove them - maybe to a remote island somewhere. Why should we suffer any more at the hands of bullies?

The awful thing about behaviour like this is that they teach everyone around them to walk on eggshells. And that's without trauma. Its the last thing they need but who wants to deal with the backlash of confronting them. That sounds like exactly what has happened here for you and it sounds like noone in authority positions is backing you up. As usually happens. So sorry you are in the situation.

Yes. And thank you. I'm sorry you also are dealing with situations like this!

 

[whiteraven]

Just a small update. My co-workers asked my manager to address an issue with this person re: an oil diffuser she uses, because one of them is highly allergic to the oil. My manager has been asked 5x and not only does she not respond to anyone, the co-worker continues to use it.

I had my review a couple of weeks ago and was told that this person is a "strong personality" like me and even though she knows I (and others) think she's a bully, she's really just very sensitive and we need to give her support.

This was reiterated after she and another employee got in a shouting match over something stupid.

All bullies have something going on with themselves. But that doesn't make her behavior ok.

Very frustrated.

 

[Neverthesame]

I can imagine that would be frustrating. Can you speak with another representative, such as an HR person?
Your boss seems to have forgotten that she's running a workplace and not a daycare. I'd definitely encourage the person with the allergy to the oil vaporizer thing, to report that as an OHS violation. As well... it is.

If nothing else I get your frustration. I work for an office "baby". Grr...

 

[whiteraven]

I can imagine that would be frustrating. Can you speak with another representative, such as an HR person?

Her manager and HR have pretty much the same attitude. It doesn't help that she lies to them.

Your boss seems to have forgotten that she's running a workplace and not a daycare. I'd definitely encourage the person with the allergy to the oil vaporizer thing, to report that as an OHS violation. As well... it is.

Yeah. I went through this a long while back (well, continuing to go through it, actually) when the maintenance crew started using a very strong chemical to clean. It makes my (and others') eyes burn and my throat closes up. I've been complaining about it - with thorough documentation - for almost two years. I get promises, then nothing. I thought of reporting them, but I know I will lose my job if I do. And yeah, I know they can't fire you for something like that, but they'll find another way.

 

[whiteraven]

So...this has gotten a LOT worse. We've (everyone on my shift) has talked several times to our manager, our director, and HR. This employee complained today because I asked about her whereabouts last week - I did it because she is often gone from the office for extended periods, doesn't tell us where she's going, and seldom works when she *is* there. She also complained that nobody talks to her on our shift - it's true, but it's because she refuses to talk to us. She slams her door whenever anyone says anything and when she comes out she stares us down, not saying a word. She's abrupt and just hateful.

I left early 'cause I was sick - whole 'nother story - and found out that a meeting has been called tomorrow with her and everybody on evenings, including the director and HR. We've said we don't feel safe around her. Why would they put us in a meeting with her?

I've been here before with others. Our manager says there is conflict (any kind. Even when one of the employees actually *screamed* at me) because there are personality differences. It doesn't have anything to do with that. She's a BULLY. Why would they make us be in the same room with her?????

It's been a long while since I cut or wanted to die.

I'm so f*cking done.