Difficult Situation At Work

[Still loving]

Hi all :)
I'm still new to this so please excuse me if it's a bit too much detail. My work situation at the moment is complicated- I have qualifications in a different field but am currently working with my husband in close quarters (and under high pressure) alongside our boss. I am a sufferer and my husband is my main abuser, we are currently both trying to recover from our traumas and triggers while also maintaining our relationship- which is hard at the best of times! We've both been in this job for a few years and have developed a close friendship with our boss and his family, we all get along really well. However because our history (and some of the present) is so overwhelming, we can't share any of that with the boss- mainly to protect the relationship and my husbands reputation. This gets hard, as we have a lot of in-depth conversations and debates. My boss loves to get fired up about something and can rant and rave for hours.
If I'm honest, the boss can also be quite ignorant and bigoted at times- usually in his semantics rather than his underlying opinions. My husband cringes and bows out of conversations often because he has to spend more time alone with him. On Sun he started a conversation with 'Women always want to change men'... This one gets to me every time and I mentioned that the 'Always' was inherently wrong (I'm not one to sit by while idiotic generalizations get thrown around). I wasn't trying to be inflammatory but his response was 'I've seen you do it to him'. He doesn't usually make things so personal, and to be honest part of me was outraged. I told him to be careful because things aren't always as they appear from the outside. I wanted to say- I've only ever encouraged and supported him to change the things he wants to change as well- the dangerous and unhealthy behavior which hurts us both- but I could never be that honest.
I let him go on for a bit and he eventually went home, my husband was angry after he left, he was frustrated having had to watch us both, knowing what we both know- I think it made him scared. None of us had had enough sleep and he took his frustrations out on me a bit, because he couldn't address them with the boss, he kept telling me not to bite when my boss is being antagonistic. He kept telling me that I had to take care of it and not let it get to me unless we were just going to tell him outright about the abuse. He told me I wasn't as subtle as I thought I was. He seemed mad that I'd almost blown his cover.
I find this all exhausting. It's hard enough spending so much time with someone who doesn't understand my perspective or reactions at all. I feel like I'm spending time and energy calming myself down, covering things up and protecting my partner, but none of it really benefits me, no one gets to know me. I look different from the outside, hyper vigilance might look controlling, hypersensitivity to movement and sound might look like I'm really weak and easily startled. I hate being judged by people who don't know me (even if they think they do). I'm just so tired and ready to find a new job. Am I over reacting? I also don't want to leave a good job for this kind of reason only to find that no one can really know me without knowing my terrible history, and that it'll never be appropriate to share that. I just keep thinking that it'd be easier to hide it all if he weren't there beside me all the time.
Any thoughts?
Thanks for listening :)

 

[nursenurse]

I think working with your abuser and a boss who seems like a trigger would be a good enough excuse to change. Call me crazy....

 

[Em C.]

First off, *hugs*

Second, I'm a bit confused. You say your husband is your main abuser but you are both working through your issues... Did he give you ptsd? Are you supposed to be keeping it a secret that you're in an abusive relationship or that your husband isn't okay? It seems like you want to protect and cater to your husband and his reputation but why? You seem to not be concerned with you which should be your number one priority :)

On the topic of your job, if you don't feel comfortable in that work environment then it may be wise to seek out a new one. However on the topic of knowing you, knowing is sort of an abstract concept as the idea of the self can be fluid and can mean different things to you under different circumstances. I think instead of worrying about hiding you should worry about making you okay! Seems like you're making yourself sick over your boss and husband :/

 

[Justmehere]

A boss should not get involved in a marriage, and his comments about women border on sexual harassment. Your husband must have put your life in danger or raped to cause you to have PTSD - and I understand your choice to stay married to him, and I'm quite concerned you are in the position where anyone, including yourself, expects you to cover for him to a boss that is abusive to you both.

Ranting and raving for hours alone is terrible way to treat employees, no matter how good the job. I imagine all of this is likely fueling your PTSD constantly.

I would look for a new job ASAP.

 

[scout86]

I am a sufferer and my husband is my main abuser, we are currently both trying to recover from our traumas

I think you lost most of us right there. It's a little unusual to run into a situation where an abusive partner actually "sees the error of their ways", truly makes amends, and a good, healthy relationship emerges from the ashes. I can see where it's at least theoretically possible. Is that the kind of thing you're talking about, or am I just confused?

I'd have a real hard time working for someone who comes off like your boss does. I would probably have challenged his "always" statement too and I probably wouldn't have been very diplomatic either. It seems to me that, if you're going to act like a jerk, you should expect to get treated like one. The only way I could work for someone like that would be if we could agree to keep the conversation work related.

Doesn't sound to me like you're over reacting and it DOES sound like finding another job might be a good idea. I've never thought the people I work with or for need to "really know me", Some of my friends know me pretty well. Even some of them don't know me as well as they think they do.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I have to agree with the others - this relationship is very very unhealthy. Look, you obviously love your husband and you're prepared to do a lot of work in order to save your relationship. Those are good qualities of yours.

But please bear with me here. Yes, people with PTSD are difficult. We are scared, stressed out and very suspicious of others. We tend to push the people who love us away, because we are afraid they might hurt us in the end or that we are too much of a burden to them. But that gives us sufferers no right whatsoever to be abusive in any way! And that is what your husband is doing, as well as manipulating you into keeping the abuse a secret. That is not PTSD or trauma talking, that is him acting like a sociopath.

If you really want this marriage to work, you will both need professional help. And a lot of it. But this sounds like a time bomb ready to explode any second now.

As for the job, I think you should consider looking for a new one. This is not a healthy situation for anyone to be in, especially for you.

Take care of yourself, okay? There is a way out of this anď you deserve to be safe and happy.

 

[Still loving]

(Sorry to reply so late- I have had to work hehe)
Thanks so much for each of those responses- you all have really valid points and I'm here so that I can get that outside perspective I've been missing. I fully appreciate how ludicrous it might seem to have put myself in this position- I do think it is ludicrous now.

Sounds like I didn't give enough of the important details; let me fill you in. My husband and I both come from disfunctional backgrounds, mine less so, his was particularly violent. We've been together for 13 years and early on there I was subjected to increasing violence and sexual and emotional manipulation and isolation by him. I have gotten myself out at times, but been drawn back by a deep connection/love that we have aside from the abuse. My husband too has removed himself from some really poisonous environments and sought to root out and help to end the dangerous patterns of behavior.

These last few years we've both come a long way, there's very little sign of the destruction we used to live with and both of us are much happier with ourselves and our relationship. I'm stronger and more determined to be in control of my own safety and future. We both see professionals regularly, he sees someone (who has experience with perpetrators and victims of violence) every week, as he knows he is the one who can be dangerous and has his own drive to change that. I spend more time taking care of myself and watching him do what he needs to do on his own. I used to have more influence on the positive change, but realised a while ago that it had to come soley from him, so took a step back.

The situation at work is really the only remaining environment where I am expected to act differently to maintain an image of us being an (always) happy, regular couple. Our friends and family support us both- knowing what we've been through. The violence and betrayal he inflicted on me in those earlier years was extreme, and has left me scarred. My ptsd symptoms ARE exacerbated by being in a relationship with him still. I'm aware of this, but am really hopeful that the relationship continues to grow into what seems to be more functional and communicative than ever before. I'm a bit at a loss, as I was hoping there might be more people in this kind of situation here, but it makes sense that I'm in the minority. I might not regret staying with him entirely, but I'm aware that it wasn't a smart or easy road to take, and has prolonged a lot of heartache to get to this point. Now that I'm here I'm still optimistic, warily so (Hoping not to be hopelessly so).

I think you're all quite right. This work situation is unhealthy in a variety of ways, I try to get along with people in my life (people pleaser) but it's true- he might have some nice traits but my boss can be a real jerk! It's nice to be able to say that :) he's not helping, that's for sure. I'm not sure being in an environment with someone so ignorant/narrow minded voicing their opinions so often and loudly is helpful for anyone! But I need to be more aware of the control I have, rather than saying no you're wrong to him- I might say this is wrong for me, and find somewhere new to work. If I want to keep moving forward with recovery, I think it's important to keep reviewing my situation.

Does this make more sense now? I hope so. I know my story is unusual, but I hope it doesn't sound like I'm delusional, because I have been in the past and I'm trying really hard to keep my feet firmly planted in the now.

I can take harsh reality checks, and try to give them to myself sometimes too. Sometimes kindness is hard to hear and like I said, I'm here to get more help, to look outside of the world I constructed to avoid tricking myself into a false sense of security. Thank you for your kind and wise words, I'm really glad to be here :)

P.s my husband has apologised for being out of line with me on sun, he admitted he was taking his frustrations out on me because he couldn't with the boss. He also admitted that he finds it really hard to react when he feels offended or confronted by a man. But he had been offended, as my boss has no right to speak for him! I accepted the apology but told him that I wouldn't accept a second one and that I would take necessary steps to ensure I'm not in that situation again, even if it means leaving him alone with ranty-pants :)

 

[bell]

early on there I was subjected to increasing violence and sexual and emotional manipulation and isolation by him.

To me, it all comes down to this: Do you feel happy around him?

I'm guessing not, given the quote above. In all honesty, do you really want to heal? Or do you want to stay in this continual retraumatization? This codependent?

Because I hear a lot about him, but see nothing about how your life has worth and you should be loving and laughing and happy instead of trapped with an asshole. I know you think you have it worked out, but I would seriously seriously think about it, because your life seems like one big trap instead of what it should be, *your* own life to live.

Personally, I think you deserve so much more. We all do.

 

[Still loving]

Ok, um.. Where to start. I agree with you that we all deserve to be living our own lives, with access to our real potential for happiness and fulfillment! Fully agree with you there. I'm not sure I've represented myself well with the snippets I've given you (although I agree that what I focus on is telling). I'm here primarily because I feel like I've got a lot to give and a lot to do in my life and I don't want to be held back by my own fear as I have been. Despite all of the horror, I've gained post grad quals, beautiful deep friendships, sought out information and knowledge constantly, made some awesome art and gained a true love of this amazingly diverse and interconnected world we live in. I love it for its deep darkness and it's beautiful shimmering light. My husband has been a monster. And can still be an asshole sometimes. But he spends a huge amount of time listening to me, reaching for my hand when I'm close to tears and telling me how I'm the most courageous and amazing person he knows. We go on holidays and spend time looking up at the stars philosophizing. He looks at me out of the blue sometimes with agony in his eyes and tells me how sorry he is. There are some truly confronting and terrifying feelings that resurface because I am still with him, there are also some thoroughly therapeutic moments where I am being SEEN. Those moments mean so much to me. Does it make it worth staying? I don't know. I can't pretend to know what life would be like for me now if I'd chosen to leave, or what it might be like in the future if I choose to leave. I know I would miss him. Because I see him now too. In the past the question of leaving terrified me, I would avoid it at all costs (and it wasn't just a fear of missing him). Having worked through some of that I'm not so afraid of that question any more. Sometimes it feels like I wake up lighter each day, and sometimes it feels like there are triggers at every turn, like the trap you speak of. But I'm still learning and will continue to, with more support and love and laughter than I've ever really had before~*

 

[Still loving]

In a simpler answer to your questions, Am I happy around him? Sometimes yes, sometimes it's simple and fun and sweet, sometimes the world feels terrifying and being at home with him makes me feel safe and happy (as strange as that sounds). It's complicated, but when I'm reliving something and I can't look at him without seeing a monster, I give myself space and he respects that. I don't lash out at him anymore, but sometimes I tell him what I see and we work through it together, he tells me what's changed, why he won't let that happen again. And a big yes I want to heal! I'm taking more control of that every day :)