Disclosing Body Memories In Therapy Help

[mytai]

Recently, as in the past month or so, I've been experiencing what I think are body memories while in therapy with my T. I think they are body memories because I feel heavy pressure/weight on my body, almost like pinning me down, sometimes I feel pressure around my throat, and other times pain lower down (sorry that's so vague, but I just can't say it directly).

I know it is something I should disclose with my T, especially since it is happening during sessions with her. The thing is that I am completely terrified and embarrassed and ashamed to bring it up. I usually dissociate or numb out when I feel it happening. There is no reason I can't trust my T with this, it's just absolutely terrifying and humiliating for me.

Help? Not sure how to "get over" the fear of telling her, I know it will only help me to do so. The problem is that I literally cannot speak when I feel it happening. I'm too ashamed to say anything. Have any of you gone through body memories? How do you go about sharing with your T?

 

[Joan]

I am so sorry this is happening for you. I completely understand all that you are feeling. I too have them and they are scary and horrible! When i first started telling my T I found it helpful to write it out. I have both taken it and read it to her and i have emailed...somehow that was easier for me than coming up with words at the moment I sat in front of her.

 

[Rissy215]

I've just started having them and haven't gotten the nerve to tell my T yet. The 'lower down pain', especially, keeps stopping me from writing narratives and processing csa. I just don't feel like he'd understand.

 

[mytai]

@Rissy215 I could never disclose it if I had a male T, in fact I don't think I could be shut in a room with one. The lower down pain is the most shameful for me, what I have the most difficulty even thinking about disclosing. I know she would have the ability to understand and I don't doubt in her ability to handle it the right way, it's all me and my fears in this.

@Joan I have used writing letters before and found it very helpful to get out information that I can't verbalize. I don't know if I have the courage to hand her a letter or read it, maybe an email is the best idea in this situation. I have a session on Thursday morning with her. I just have to get up the "courage" to write out an email about it.

I feel so much shame just thinking about putting it into an email. Ugh :oops:

 

[Lucycat]

I had that when I started therapy. I never did tell T. We talked about a lot of other very embarrassing stuff, but for me that was simply a step too far ( and yes I am a female with a male T). It is the one and only thing I have held back, but it passed anyway so there then became no need to share it. As I progressed through therapy, it simply stopped. Perhaps when I stopped being ashamed of other stuff, which EMDR did for me.

Even now, I would not bring it up. In all other respects I have absolute trust and respect for my T, but I feel this would embarrass us both, with no objective since it is already better.

 

[Hope4future]

First, I'm sorry you're experiencing body memories. It's not a pleasant thing. I have experienced them in and out of therapy. The only way I can tell my T is through writing. I usually come into therapy with a note and then will often write about what I'm experiencing in the session while I'm there. I feel silly doing that, but it's the only way I can move forward without it being as slow as a glacier. I hope this helps some.

Talking with your T (or writing) is important. She can't help you if she doesn't know what's going on. It's not easy, but it is valuable and healing.

 

[WillyKat]

I'm starting to believe that my recent pains down there may be body memory. It's hard to tell because I've had lower back issues for years, had surgery in that general area not too long ago. I've mentioned the possibility in therapy but don't know what to do besides that.

Just a thought: maybe you could tell your T that there's something you're feel really uncomfortable tallking about. That will give her a chance to re-affirm all the reasons you trust her.

 

[Rissy215]

@mytai Until we starting delving into csa having a male T had never bothered me. It probably sounds crazy but because females were also involved in my abuse I feel even more betrayed by them because I feel like they should have been on my side so I tend to be more comfortable around males, as backwards as it seems. Lately I've been extremely uncomfortable with him but I think it's just the general topic and I don't think it would be any different with a female T.

 

[lenny15]

Wow, I am so surprised I really thought I was alone in having these things happen "down below".

I can definitely relate to feeling ashamed about them too, but eventually I just had to tell my T and he took it very well & didn't make me feel stupid about it or anything. I first told him in a letter I wrote, and it's still kind of hard to say to his face but at least he knows and it hasn't gotten in the way for a while now.

I really wish there was a solution for getting rid of these feelings though because they always seem to happen at the most awful moments ugh.

 

[mytai]

@Lucycat I'm glad it passed for you :) For me, my T doesn't want to start touching on my traumas before she makes sure I can remain present through the sessions and remain grounded. So we are spending a lot of time on teaching me to stay present, and tools to help ground myself. So the body memories are out of left field for me. We aren't even talking trauma.

@Hope4future I agree. Talking to my T, or communicating it in some form is important, it's true that she can't help if she doesn't know. It's overcoming the shame to even write to her. I'm one who can't stand to use technical terms for body parts that were affected by abuse, so often that is what stops me from verbalizing or writing. I don't know how to communicate clearly when I feel sick using those words.

@WillyKat I think I will do just that. Thanks. I will tell her I have something that is very difficult and uncomfortable to talk about. I don't think I need reaffirming, but you never know. It can't hurt right?

@Rissy215 I can understand that. I think I would feel the same way as you if females were the ones who caused my abuse rather than a male. Hope things move forward for you with your T.

@lenny15 I felt that way too, being alone in this. Thank goodness for this forum, it has shown me I really am not alone in a lot of aspects of my abuse/symptoms. I think I'm going to have to use email to disclose it with my T, I think this is even beyond a letter for me. I don't think I could stay present while she read it and that defeats the purpose. I wish there was a way to get rid of it too. I usually end up embarrassing myself when it happens. I'm surprised I haven't in front of my T yet, I'm not the most quiet when it happens typically. I usually freak out or cry.

 

[Rissy215]

@mytai it was mostly males which is why it's so weird to be more comfortable around them. I don't know. I just can't even begin to forgive a female for it.

 

[macca]

Hi mytai, it's not nice that you're having these, but so good that you are trying to work out a way to tell your t. I have them on and off too, but didn't realise that many others do as well! I thought I was just very weird, and didn't understand it, though I had my suspicions. I'm grateful for your post, because now I know it isn't just me being strange. My t is a woman, but I haven't told her, and hadn't planned to, thinking that it was something really odd about me, but now - I'll have to think about it. Let us know how you go if you feel comfortable to!