Disclosing Body Memories In Therapy Help

[BloomInWinter]

Eye contact is definitely a tough one for me.

I thought there wasn't any child part of me at all, and that it was a silly concept. That is, until I started talking with my inner child as if I was the adult me talking with a terribly hurt, terrified child. The act of doing it, over time, even without believing in it, actually helped me learn how to experience self-compassion and stop self-harming through negative thoughts.

I don't know if it works for others but it really helped me. I still can't look most people in the eyes unless I'm at work and have to.

 

[mytai]

@BloomInWinter Eye contact at work isn't something I've ever really had a problem with, guess it is part of the facade. Also that there is no emotional connection there.

It's not that I don't believe in having an inner child, I just think mine is gone, dead, or in hiding. I think I remember my T talking something about an inner child or "little me". I just don't feel her there. Or maybe she is there and I just don't acknowledge her, I don't know.

Self-compassion is not something I have, pretty much the opposite. I'm hard on myself and very critical of myself, and I feel like I deserve a lot of what I've gone through. Self-harming has stopped again. Only had the slip ups that one week really and then go myself back on track.

 

[mytai]

Well my T never responded to the email I sent her. She doesn't always respond which doesn't upset me, I'm just worried now. I always get worried after being honest like that and then not hearing from someone. It makes me wonder if the police will show up at my session tomorrow. Although logically I know that if my T thought I was really in danger of harming myself then she wouldn't wait that long. So I know in my head it doesn't make sense to be worried, but I am. Ugh. Plus I'm preparing myself to share what the body memory was with my T.

 

[mytai]

So I chickened out about telling my T about the memory associated with the body memory I had last week. When she asked if there was something I wanted to talk to her about this week I couldn't say it. I felt like if I told her I would go into a flashback about it, so I didn't say anything. Our goal was to keep me present and I knew that I wouldn't in that case. Sometimes I can feel if I will go into a flashback and other times it catches me off guard.

Other than that it was actually a really good session. My T asked if I wanted to go to my safe visualization space and tuck away memories and feelings I wasn't prepared to deal with yet into the vault there. She put on some quiet music she uses with her hypnotherapy clients, that helped SO much. I'm a very music oriented person and frequently use it to calm myself or to help myself sleep. For the first time ever I was able to let my guard down and close my eyes while she read out the visualization stuff.

I was present the entire time, I felt calm the entire time, and my T mentioned that I even almost smiled twice when we were talking. Honestly feel like I needed this today after feeling so low lately. This is the calmest I've felt in months.

I sent her an email to give her feedback on how much the music helped me, and how calm I feel right now. It feels good to have had a session like that. I needed it. I feel more connected with my T now. It was like a new level of trust was built today. I felt safe enough in her office to close my eyes to visualize.

 

[gone]

Yay!!! That sounds so serene. I'm really really happy that you got this much-needed relaxation and that your trust with your T deepened—both seem like excellent steps forward on your path!

 

[macca]

I ended up finding a way to tell mine, but it didn't happen until the session was nearly ended. I referred to "lower abdominal pain" and she seemed to know what I meant. I ended up telling her because she either forgot or tricked me into telling her some stuff again that I'd already told her, and I was so shocked, because I'd only ever uttered that stuff once in my life before, (to her), that I ended up telling her a little more, and the body memories were part of it.

Good going mytai -

I was present the entire time, I felt calm the entire time

Even though you hadn't been able to tell her yet, you did really well, and after the rough time you've had lately, you deserved and needed that session! Staying present is so important, needless to say! You'll get there, you'll disclose at the right time.

 

[mytai]

@macca Proud of you for telling your T about the body memories. It's hard and (for me at least) very embarrassing/humiliating. Now my T just asks if I'm having any if she is unsure and I'm not saying so, which I appreciate. She is giving me an opportunity to disclose that I might not have the ability to just come out and say.

As to disclosing at the right time, that's what my T said today. That I'm the one in control and I can bring it up when I'm ready. That she doesn't want to ask questions about it and risk causing me to dissociate. What's this? I actually found a T who cares that things go well for me. Honestly, days like today just really boost my confidence and trust in her.