Discussing Ptsd With Family Members?

[Blondie362]

Hi

I have many issues that started from being the age of 3-4 years old, from sexual abuse to physical and verbal abuse. My Mother I feel, could have been instrumental in protecting me over the years but didn't. When I told her I had been abused sexually abused at the age of 12 she said I was obessed people were starting at me even though my sister had been a witness, so she did nothing! When I entered a very violent relationship and tried to tell her that I was getting beaten ( it then escalated to me nearly losing my life) it was made clear to me that I SHOULD not pull out of the wedding as it would embarrass her!

I have carried this resentment for so long, I am now 44 she is 65 and even though I am in therapy and she knows that, she assumes it because of one incident ie violent ex husband, she dosn't know that one of her work colleagues sexually molested me when I was 15 - ( years later he then turns up at my Mothers work!) My question is do you tell people , or do you think what will it chang?e and what is my aim telling them? My sister also had abusive boyfriends , and I was forever pulling them off her and taking a beating off them too.. yet she stayed with them and we ended up not speaking for a long time..

Experiences and thoughts really appreciated as I am struggling at the moment and feel like I am going to explode and end up hitting somebody.. anybody - I just feel like a coiled spring and full of anger bitterness and resentment and could quite easily go on a " Revenge bucket list spree"...

Kate

 

[Lionheart]

Sometimes, (like in the case of my own mother), a family member has unresolved trauma issues of their own and they do not like it that we bring up the subject. They are in denial of our trauma because they still deny their own. Unfortunately, we cannot control others or how they respond to disclosure.

I can understand that it makes you feel angry! It makes me feel angry too, when the people that we count on for love and nurture, turn on us and do not believe us about our traumas!!!

It hurts to be discounted, to have our feelings minimized, or our trauma trivialized by others,...but in the end this is their problem. We can let go of the anger and resentment and you have begun to do that by posting about your feelings here. I hope that you will keep posting and I wish you the best on your healing journey.

 

[The Albatross]

Like Lionheart, my mom has unresolved trauma issues and she can't handle it if I bring it up. I have no relationship with my brother. His choice and though it hurt like heck for a couple years, I ended up changing my phone number as a way to close the door. I initially was very open about what I was going through... but it caused a lot of angst and chaos for my mother. After I examined my motives, I gave up basically, the idea of validation or my now elderly mother as a "parent". The fact is, she parented - messed up as it was - the best she could. I'm an adult now, and it's up to me to parent myself. I had to get to a place in my head where I understood, really understood that the anger, resentment and bitterness was me reinjuring myself by reliving the trauma. That the traumas were long past and it was actually me hurting myself... because I was afraid and fragile about moving forward.

I still feel afraid and fragile... but I'm not as angry, resentful, or bitter anymore. It happened, it's over... what do I do now?

Hang in there Kate.

 

[Blondie362]

I am trying to move forwards and get on with my life, but I see my Mum as just a person and very disconnected from her, when the mental pain gets so bad, I just want to scream at her.. but as has been said it would just internalise on me.

 

[Sandra]

That is so true Lionheart. Even though my siblings were my so called mother's favourites and they weren't abused like I was. They still witnessed the trauma done to me. They did end up with my nasty mother's bad habits like being a bully and controlling etc. They are both in total denial. Once years ago I tried talking to my sister about it. And of course she took my so called mother's side. Needless to say I never tried to talk to her about it ever again. So needless to say it isn't easy when I had no family there at all for anything.

 

[Helliepig]

This thread hit home for me. I had pretty much severed the contacts with my remaining family apart from occasionally with my brother, because they all behave in the same way they always did towards me. I yearn for family contact and always have done and used to go through cycles of making an effort with them only to get nothing in return, getting angry (nothing) , avoiding (nothing) and finally realising there is no point. But I still feel the loss and it still stirs up feelings at the crazy unfairness of it all. They are trapped in their own dysfunctions and scripts, one of which was blaming and scapegoating me and pretending I didn't exist. The rare times we meet up they still treat me like that. They have never seen me for who I am and even talking about it now makes me feel sick! Oddly enough I don't like any of them apart from my brother, but the urge is still there to play happy families.

It comes down to what Albatross is saying about being an adult and reparenting yourself - letting go of the fantasy you can change these people and get from them what you never had.
Time to grieve it and give up I guess...... maybe for some people they can then find a new way of relating without expecting anything and without playing the old scripts. My hope is I will be to do this with my brother one day.
XX

 

[The Albatross]

...they all behave in the same way they always did towards me. I yearn for family contact and always have done and used to go through cycles of making an effort with them only to get nothing in return, getting angry (nothing) , avoiding (nothing) and finally realising there is no point. But I still feel the loss and it still stirs up feelings at the crazy unfairness of it all. They are trapped in their own dysfunctions and scripts...

I see that both in my family and in my husbands family. It is really hard, when you're actively moving toward healing to be surrounded by 6 people who want to stay stuck, asleep in their dysfunctions... and YOU'RE (I'm) the weird one. Helliepig, you are so right about trying to find new ways to relate without expectations or running old scripts. I, too, hope we can do that (my husband and I) with our families.

The other part is setting up healthy boundaries, and teaching/reteaching people how to treat us. We are responsible for deciding what we will and will not accept and it is okay for us to lovingly say so. It doesn't mean they have to kow tow to our whims... but that we recognize and appreciate civility, courtesy, and loving respect. We got to be able to give it as well... which is where I'm at now, trying to learn how to love and appreciate them even with their dysfunctions

 

[Blondie362]

Has anyone confronted a family member? and what was the outcome?

 

[Kris1984]

My situation is kind of like yours Blondie, in relation to your mother. I told some of my family that I have PTSD but I did not tell my mother that it is secondary to child abuse, though I am sure she could figure it out if she thought hard enough about it. My problem with telling people is the stigma attached to it, I already have enough problems relating to people so I do not want to make that worse. Also, even though I have military trauma, it is not related to combat therefore I figure most people would laugh at me. I do not want many people to know the abuse I dealt with as a child either. So I only tell people who I think will understand, even when it comes to my family.

I have confronted my mother, numerous times, about many things that I feel are her fault. But it never got us anywhere and seemed to further deplete our relationship. I think that she knows, mothers always seem to know and I think having to live with that in her head everyday is hard enough for her. Just like how I am trapped in my head, she is also trapped in hers.

I think if you really feel like you need to discuss these things with her try using therapeutic communication, which I know is hard when you are angry. Instead of telling her what she did, tell her how you feel and what has happened to you. I have learned over the years that the way people often perceive the exact same thing is usually totally different. You never know where she is at in her head or what she knows or what she thinks.

I really hope this helps you. After years of arguing with and alienating family, I decide that peace and some form of forgiveness was best for me. I am already so angry with so many things, that I just don't want to be angry with her anymore. I hope you find resolve!

 

[Kris1984]

The fact is, she parented - messed up as it was - the best she could.

I often tell myself, when it comes to my mother, "She made the best of the hand she was dealt". It is hard to allow yourself to feel that way when you feel like your mother did not protect you.

 

[Nicolette]

This past thread may help [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-do-you-deal-with-family-reactions-to-ptsd.12855/[/DLMURL]

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Kate)))))

I'm so sorry for all you have endured. You have friends, allies, and witnesses now.

There will come a time when you will have worked through your traumas enough to answer all these questions for yourself. When your self-esteem will be healthy enough to handle whatever may happen as a result of telling, confronting, or something else.

...when you'll have far more supportive people in your life.

....when you'll have plenty of well-practiced skills in your self-care toolkit to use as you need to.

...when you'll trust yourself, and know it's because your feelings are not wrong. ...and never were.

It's a journey from where we begin with the curtain of denial lifting....to getting to that place of quiet, deep peace within where you have full 'internal contact' with your true self. ...and you'll have this conversation with her, and it will be a conversation of self-kindness and deep self-respect and it will bring you profound peace that no traumas will put asunder for long.

...and I hope you'll share with us what comes out of that conversation. Because the courageous survivor in you who lived through all this has an AMAZING wisdom inside her.

Wishing you hope, comfort, and ease of worry...