Discussing Ptsd With My Dad

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Solara :sorry::sorry:


I'm sorry. I was mean to you.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry that things were so hard with your father and am so glad that you are able to connect more to it now even though the process is so painful. I am sending you back hugs too and praying for you.

God Bless
Helen

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I have never told him that I remember because I don't want him to hurt. I feel like it would be selfish of me to tell him just because I want him to validate me and apologize. I keep asking God to help me forgive him because I realize that he is trying now. Maybe not really, but he is a bit.

 

[Loner]

That is not selfish, at least I dont think so. Maybe you just aren't ready yet. Such a conversation could be very good for him too because it could allow him to express real remorse, and I am sure it would be great for him to hear that you forgive him. If you haven't yet though, it wouldn't be good to pretend you have for his sake. He might not want to have that conversation with you because he might be afraid that talking about it would be painful for you and that he has done enough harm already.

Also, I wanted to explain more about what I meant by being 'cured' as my explanation was a little clinical sounding. I think my PTSD has been 'cured' I know longer feel overwhelming social anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks, or things like that, so according to a headshrinker, I would not meet the criteria to be diagnosed with PTSD. However, since my PTSD started so young, as it sounds like yours has, there are a lot of after effects that don't really have anything to do with PTSD. For instance, I have a hard time believing anyone cares about me, not because I am gross or broken, but because I never saw my family care about each other when I was young so on a fundamental level I just don't believe those things are possible. That in itself wasn't traumatic, so I don't think its exactly PTSD, but its something.

Life can be really nice without panic attacks and all that stuff. I wish you the best.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

It's just that last time I tried to let him know that I needed him to be there more for me and I cried, he mentioned that he wasn't sure if I was his because my mother cheated on him so much. His words. I was so shocked by that and never knew it was a question in his mind.

It's a long story.

Anyway, I don't believe my PTSD started back then. I didn't have these debilitating symptoms. I should go over the criteria with the mind of back then. I never thought of that before.

Thanks for your words. Clinical sounding works great for me. I prefer that actually because I am such a feeler. The clinical snaps me out of the whirlwinds I sometimes go on lol

Thanks @Loner

 

[HelenB]

I also do not feel like it would be selfish to want to talk to him, and it does sound as if he has come a pretty long way within everything too, but ultimately I believe that forgiveness is about you. It is about you chosing to release the hold which it has on you. This is a process and is a choice and does not take away the pain and feelings which you had in it all, but I do believe it can help and am praying for you as you are bringing all these things before God.

@Loner I do personally believe that there can also be healing for the other assiciated consequences of the abuse which happen. I am still on the journey myself, but do know that within my walk, as I have learnt to recognise and come to terms with these consequences and the way I see myself, there have started to be changes, and that as I have began more and more to replace the things which I learnt to believe so much from a very young age, with the things which I believe God is showing me now, it has helped me so much in this. It is very much a journey, but one I do believe I will be able to come through on, and I do also know others, such as the lady Sarah, whose book I shared about earlier, who really have come to a place where they are so fully healed, and though the reality of the abuse is still there in that they still know they happeed and feel sad and hurt about it when they think about it, it does not have the same power any more, and all the lies they learnt so much about themselves as a result of the abuse, they now have been able to replace with the truth of what the bible says, and though this has been a long hard journey, it really has brought so much freedom.

I am so glad that you have been able to find relief from the debilitating effects of the flashbacks and panic attacks from the PTSD and wish the best for you too.

God bless
Helen

 

[radicalgratitude]

I really hope for you that as you say you are a Christian you can also find and know that God is with you the whole way through your journey, and that He really does understand and will lead you through it all.

@HelenB Thank you, I needed (and need) this reminder. My dad was a religion teacher and religion was used during my abuse. There was also a picture of Jesus that was hanging on the wall that I was fixated on while he was molesting me. As a young child, I thought Jesus lived in that picture and did nothing to save me. So it goes deep for me.

I am so glad to hear Mercy Ministries helped your friend. That is encouraging! I was worried about that organization from the things I heard.

@Solara I am sorry these kind of comments make you feel like keeping your mouth shut. Religion can be a trigger for me (see above), even though I go to church regularly, so sometimes I say things that come out aggressive. I will keep working on this.

 

[Powder]

---you never referred to other issues with your father & I'm not a mind reader. I responded based on what I read, and I have a feeling that more than one of the responses was based on the responders own issues with spirituality rather than what you actually said in your first post.

Yes, it is human to go on a tangent, and for thinking to diverge. "Divergent" thinking, as opposed to "convergent" thinking is coined in the UK "lateral thinking." Sir Ken Robinson's research into human creativity as a squandered aspect of humanity is fascinating. He might reply that tangents are worth more than you credit them and that our left-brain dominant culture has overlooked the creative potential of divergence. What is wrong with tangents? Where is the deadline, my friend? :) We can always come back and converge again, like I will attempt to do now. (I actually came back to do just that and realized this became part of the thread! How interesting!)

But you are correct that the discussion migrated. Perhaps StrongerNow opened up more than one Pandora's Box here.

Interesting that Solara and I both noticed the tangent, I helped make it, (I know why) and it sort of bothers us.

For me, it was a bit difficult to know what to say on the Fathering, at first, as a trigger area for me, and I felt more able to focus on the religion aspect. With further thought, I was able to see more into the situation. Religion and fathering (or lack thereof) runs deep with people, I guess.

StrongerNow, I just wanted to say that personally, I feel that you are "strong" for not giving up, for holding onto hope, and for not sitting silent. I'm sorry you got the same brush-off, denial, numbing, or whatever it was that has left you with a father not able to see, listen, understand or hear you. He seems unable or unwilling to meet you where you are at, perhaps, like me here, in an attempt to numb pain.

That is my definition of the ultimate disappointment in relationships and feeling "alone" with one's pain. My advice is to take it into therapy, journal, and dialogue, just like you did here, and process this toward some kind of "acceptance" or letting go without writing him off entirely. Maybe use visualization to put him in a box on a shelf up high and focus on boxes at eye-level that read "friends and loved ones who understand me and unconditionally love me." Then, focus each day on those people and boxes. :)

I can definitely embrace you saying I, too, have others who DO understand and "get me" much better than family. It is hard to see families who have an innate understanding and rapport. I often weep. It is longed for, but instead of grieving the past, I think we must regenerate these qualities in ourselves, in our new relationships and make that our focus as much as possible to offset the emotional orphan status that leaves us so in misery.

May it be a Happy Valentine's Day for you, my friend, and may you find in your distant father, the remedy of a close friend and self-love.

XOXO to all here,

Muse

 

[Powder]

I used to refer to the bad things, as a little girl, I called them "my birdies". I remember when he was beating me. We were on a bed and there was a window above his head to the right. I saw the sky. There were birds flying and the sky was so beautiful!

I did not see my father ever again until I was 19 years old and I found him.

I just saw this part. StrongerNow, do you sort of regret finding him? Is that more what this is about in this part?

I have a student who was adopted as a baby in hospital. She found her bio mom by Google searching her own name, which was also her mother's. She found her. She now regrets the urge to find her, which was unbearably strong, as her mom is a crack prostitute who never learned her lessons and doesn't realize the magnitude of damage she did to her child.

Your father's still hitting his "new family" but less hard is not much progress, not enough to make me want him in your life. I'm sorry. There is no pain like a dysfunctional parent resistant to change. :(

 

[atthree]

@Loner "...below the threshold to meet the criteria for a diagnosis." I have had PTSD more than 40 years now, that would be nice. I have mental blocks just remembering to remember. Anxiety I just need to stay away from the caffeine.

 

[Abstract]

Strongernow,
You have zero to apologise for. All you did was post about telling your father and feeling invalidated by his response. Yes of course we can look at things afterwards and reason them through but that doesn't make our personal emotional response wrong. You never made any general comments and your thoughts were just on your own experiences. I can see why others "stuff" may have been touched on but that isn't your fault and I don't believe was your intention. We can't cover every possible understanding others may have of our situation - that's why asking for clarification before assuming is a valuable habit. I just wanted to say that you have every right to discuss your personal feelings about your personal experiences and are not responsible for others reactions to them. That doesn't mean that others don't deserve compassion of course. It's just not your fault.

I also think we can't judge if your father was attempting to give you hope and share himself or if there was an element of "purposeful" invalidation in his response. Sometimes you have to be there and have the background knowledge of that person to tell. Passive aggressive behaviour can be very clever and hard to pin down.

I am really sorry about the beatings. Remember too that children don't always present PTSD in the same way as adults do. Make sure you look at the childhood criteria if you look back. I think these experiences come out insidiously in our feelings about the person in present time and we have a right to those feelings.

@Loner I just want to thank you for sharing your thoughts on recovery. I am totally of the same mindset. We sometimes see it on here when someone has been diagnosed as no longer having PTSD and they get really confused. Thank you too for sharing your inspiring story.

 

[ms spock]

I have never told him that I remember because I don't want him to hurt. I feel like it would be selfish of me to tell him just because I want him to validate me and apologize. I keep asking God to help me forgive him because I realize that he is trying now. Maybe not really...

This post really scares me.

It scares me that you are not holding your father accountable in any way. It scares me that you are internalising the abuse into yourself.

If your father feels guilty about what he did, that is actually a good sign. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviours towards you. Physical abuse whether you are Christian or not is not okay. It is, at the very least illegal and unlawful behaviour.

And it makes his comment that God cured his PTSD have the undertone that God can cure you of the abuse. Denial is a great thing for someone who is an abuser or has been abusive. He doesn't have to take responsibility on any level and it is a total cop out as far as I can see. And it also allows the behaviours to be passed down amongst the generations when the abuse is not properly dealt with.

The religious stuff on these forums can be hard to deal with at times, but I respect people's religion. Many people are respectful saying this is for faith based people. Many people mean their prays and comments in an affectionate or supportive way. Or I do this and this and like Alba says at times "as a faith based person." But this is not about religion this is about denial. It is alarming. It is the quintessential blaming of the victim and the victim internalising all the levels of abuse.

So instead of your father making amends to you for his physically abusive behaviours to you as a child, for abandoning you, for not making sure you were provided for as you grew up, you are feeling bad because you haven't prayed enough to God to get him to help you forgive your father?

I am tremendously distressed at reading this.