Relationship Disintegration: Pictures Of You

[23YearsApart]

Completely new to this and pardon me as I pour my heart's desires in such a public forum.

Here are the stats:
1991 - We date for nearly a year. It is wonderful, we are young. I am in my freshman year of college, he is a skater style grunge boy with incredible blue eyes and a heart of gold. We share laughs (many), experiences (many) and love each other deeply. The relationship ends when the highschooler puts the girlfriend ahead of school and family... his mother ends our relationship. (At this time there is no facebook, little cell phones and much to much monitoring to try to bridge the gap) We separate completely.

1994 - He enters the US Marine Corps and begins his journey in the corps ... he is physically and no doubt emotionally injured in Bosnia and I believe leaves or goes on medical leave for a brief time.

2001 - A phone call comes on my home line... I'm at this point married for the second time and have two children... my world however is falling apart, I am intensely depressed... and I ask that he not call me, not tell me that he loves me and that the best he can do is to stay safe and when I cross his mind - to pray for me. He sends a mixed tape - because that's what you do when you love someone and they push you away

2004/5 - As a Marine he encounters situations and actions that I cannot fathom and even given his accounts can never feel as he feels - he is injured more now and in a coma for nearly 4 months... I am ignorant of this as we do not have contact between 2001 and Dec 2013

Dec 2013 - A facebook message; "I found you"... he found me... he searched for me. Though we at one point had mutual friends - we did not in the facebook community. In his beautiful romantic way he reached out and found that I am now divorced... that I'm 'available' It's a beautiful beautiful story and a pretty great reality also however there are some issues.

1. We have over 1000 miles between us
2. He is suffering horribly with combat related PTSD

I am only beginning to understand what I don't understand... meaning I'm getting to the point that the books I have crammed into the past month while helpful to some - do not echo his symptoms (as I see them). Yes he has terribly difficult times sleeping and horrendous nightmares. He sees someone through the VA - he is overcoming an addiction issue... but where it takes a sharp turn is that he tells me EVERYTHING.

Everything is spilling out a pace that is just textbook C-PTSD wrong... every forum speaks of this quietness, that there is difficulty in intimacy. It's the opposite here... there is a rush to intimacy - "marry me" within a weeks worth of conversation... here is my story (hours on end of horrific details)... tears and tears and tears.

He has pushed everyone away prior to reengaging with me... no family where there once was some... no friends where there once was many.

And I love him - I have loved him since I was seventeen years old. Bottom line is that I don't know how to do this - I don't know how to accept this atypical version of this disease. When and where do I find someone that can relate to our story?

I'm hopeful for him - for us. I know the amount of strength I have built up over the years may be just for this situation. And I know his heart better than anyone - he is true, he is loving, a hopeless romantic who loves hiking and some good grunge tunes... and hockey... but I also know he is injured and that it may be a while before I see (if ever) the man he was intended to become.

 

[keifer]

There is a girl I still love. I have PTSD and I do not have the courage to fight for her. She told me never to contact her again.

I can relate. I have no idea what to do. I'm guessing we are not the only ones who have felt this way.

 

[jmm214407]

Keifer, you know my ex fiance had once told me to never contact her again. My story isn't like this one. I was the one who inflicted so much pain to her. Even tho I love her so deeply I still hurt her. Words can never describe the pain I am going through.

However I am in ongoing therapy and involved in group classes and I'm on here 24/7. I don't know what lies ahead for her and I if anything. However I know I have to stay strong and continue working on my health and my life. I did tell her that one day I will come back for her. And I am determined to be a great man. I pray and go to church I am so ambitious I guess you can say

Ambitious to be a great man so that I can carry myself with pride. Again I don't know what lies ahead for her and I. But I have a heart od iron for this woman. So I don't know your situation but keep working on you. Cause maybe one day she may or may not reach out to you. If she does wouldn't you want to be a better person with a new mindset and a new way of thinking. I really wish you the best brother! PTSD can ruin your life. Unfortunately I suffer from combat PTSD and childhood PTSD and I have a major problem with feeling secure with a woman since the closest women in my life has screwed me over.

That's not her fault tho. And I can't allow myself to ever do that to her or anyone. Cause its not just her I lie to about things. Its my family as well. She will ALWAYS have my heart and soul tho no matter what happens.

 

[LilBit]

Ok I will say that you probably need to read more on here and you will discover that this really is not atypical behavior. A rush to closeness and disclosure is often followed by abrupt distancing and isolating. So please please be forwarned. Even in close friendships this occurs. When the sufferer realizes you reciprocate he/she may start panicking. When it grows clear it is more than superficial and the other person's expectations start pressing he/she may unexpectedly withdraw.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@LilBit is right. This is actually typical behavior. We pull "new" people close. Once it becomes too real, the stress sets in (this is pretty much inevitable as ALL relationships are stressful to us) and we start pushing you away. Things are often very intense at first and then sometimes---nothing as in zero contact. You're in the "new" phase so you haven't seen the distancing behavior yet. I would be shocked if it didn't happen----he's already shown that he will push people away.

 

[23YearsApart]

So what I'm hearing is - it may fall apart. He may push away... but what is the advice on what I do. Do I walk when he pushes or do I stay? There is nothing in me that wants to run from it - I want to learn, I want to listen... though understanding will always fall short of reality. What would you truly want your love to do and how do you know when to draw these lines that appear so very blurred.

Being pushed away could be C-PTSD or it could just be life in general.
Standing firm could either be a sign of strength, weakness or just overall stalkerish. (not truly a word but in these forums it may fit)
Walking away could be looked at as a sign of respect or viewed as never having true intentions.

In the end I want him to know that I love him - how do you show that to someone that is suffering from something so opposite. (hate of self, hate of duty, hate in general while also clinging to a glimpse (however fleeting) of love of what this world was to be for us)

So I want him to know that I love him, I want him to know that I hold him above all others because of who he is.

And if you're reading this and have pushed someone away - be aware that they may have not had the opportunity to convey these feelings to you.

I am honored to live in this country and count myself blessed to have so very many women and men be willing to stand and defend by whatever branch, in whatever situation and with whatever rank.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The first question... Is he in treatment? If not, do not get into a (romantic) relationship with him. A friendship may be ok, but given your past, he may see it as an open invitation, which would not necessarily be good. I know you care, but if he isn't in treatment then you're likely in for a very bumpy ride (an understatement). Also, if he isn't in treatment, his focus should be on getting help, not pursuing you from 1000 miles away.

I am not saying this to hurt you. I am saying this because relationships with sufferers can be rocky even when the sufferer is in treatment and healing. Honestly, (in general) I think it is selfish for a sufferer to be in a relationship and not work on healing. It is not fair for us to subject others to our pain without being proactive and trying to control our behavior. We aren't responsible for our trauma or getting PTSD, but we are responsible for our healing.

Once he is further along in healing, then start a relationship. Honestly, if the magnetism is still there after this long, I think it will last a but longer (so he can start healing).

If he is in treatment, then I suggest continuing to learn as much as you can about PTSD. Read, read, read. You can't fix him but you can support him. Resist the urge to enter into a whirlwind romance because as I've noticed in myself and other sufferers, there is a super intense period followed by isolation in such relationships. (It is especially hard on the supporter who finds this behavior difficult to understand.) Take things slow. Let him know you're there for him but maintain strong boundaries.

 

[jmm214407]

Mt personal opinion is that when you love someone, show them. Especially if you and that person were something very special at one point and time. I don't believe in giving up. However I have let her go. And my biggest fear is she won't come back. But I hope and pray and continue all my therapy and group classes And going to church and reading articles of how to be a gentleman.

It helps to read and do things that keep you moving in a positive way. KMC I love you and one day I am coming back for her. Thats what I've told her. Just have to wait and see if she sees the difference in me. Its not just her tho. I lover her kids so much. They were my babies and now I feel like I have no air without her and her kids. Even when I get better I know I'm still going to hurt without her and her kids. They all completed my life and in order to have my like complete again I must have faith and work harder I have at ANYTHING in my life! And I will.

 

[23YearsApart]

To respond... he is in treatment and is looking into some of the inpatient treatment centers however the lines and lists are long and the process is quite involved.

I'm choosing to believe in his word and in him. Also I'll move to educate myself about this as much as possible. Thank you all for your comments and time.

For jmm214407 - your movements towards healing give me hope. Thank you so much - hope is helpful.

 

[jmm214407]

@23YearsApart Your welcome. I wish my fiance had your mindset to learn more about this disease and would try to see that I am a good person. But so far I get nothing other than no I won't see you and we can't be together and I don't think you'll ever change. But still that doesn't stop me. I lovr her and I'm getting better and working on myself everyday.

But anyways I am going back for her when I get better. I hope you bf has the same sort of motivation and determination. ..

 

[23YearsApart]

Disclaimer:
I understand that my pain and discomfort is secondary to his PTSD... and I don't even come close to having ever experienced anything like it.

At what point do you break and either call BS or ask for validation of what he is going through. It's difficult to come to grips with this whole thing ... it's hard enough as an American to understand that we were lied to as children about what our armed forces face in combat (lies in the form of outright deceit and in the repeated leaving out of information)... but now I am at the point where I don't want to believe that it is all true.

In this day in age you can validate damn near everything... but someones service record is sketchy.... I can't exactly ask him for the discharge papers and I can't as a civilian (non spouse) access to validate his claims. How horrible is it anyway that I feel this need to confirm what he says. What does that say about me?

Anyway - I'm just generally venting at this point. I know that A. I love him and B. I have serious trust issues. Perhaps I need to address the trust issues first and then rely on the love to see us through my hurdles.

Thanks for listening and if you are so inclined - pray for me.