ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I am trying to regroup. It's time to regroup. I can do this.

 

[ms spock]

I refuse to interact with myself through the disordered eating. I am more than this. I can expect more for myself and other folks, but mostly I can do much more for me.

A serving of cannellini beans and corn for breakfast this morning.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

The urges to not eat have been strong. Even stronger today. I weighed myself. I never should have done that. I gained a few pounds and now I'm obsessively thinking about how to not eat. And I'm thinking about how little I can eat and ironically if I can cut any corners and still eat. That doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe it's because I'm already very hungry and I haven't eaten today. I hate this.

I like food. I want to eat. I'm terrified of weight gain. And I'm hungry. Do I eat so my metabolism will keep going (which will make weight loss easier)? Or do I skip it until dinner as planned? I'm backed in a corner. I want to eat. I want to lose weight. I hate this struggle.

 

[ms spock]

Well I didn't go well with this.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Still working on this in an effort to move forward more healthfully. A lot is circling; wondering if I have a pituitary tumor affecting my addrenals and then thyroid. Just a lot to take on by myself withought medical oversight. Working on being compassionate and less judgmental with myself in terms of my current girth. A lot of plates in the air being juggled.

 

[shatter eyes]

I eat to numb myself.
I eat to avoid emotions.
I eat when I feel sad.
I eat when I am procrastinating.
I eat when I feel lonely and disconnected from the world.
I eat to not feel overwhelmed by people.
I eat when I am bored.
I eat to manage anxiety.
I eat to manage a panic attack.
I eat to avoid connection with other people, so I avoid pain.


For postive feelings -
I eat when I am happy.
I eat when I finish something.
I eat to reward myself.
I eat a lot when I am writing or doing a project, or doing a lot of work.
I eat so I don't feel the fear of failure when doing a task or a project.
I eat to celebrate.
I eat to assist me being around other people.

I eat for something to do.
I eat to be social.
I eat just so I am protected from the world.

I must had missed this in 2017. This is a very accurate list of me and when i eat eat eat from not eating at all. I tell myself i have no appetite which i would say is true since i have no desire to eat....then BAM i eat eat eat. I order pizza. I disociate into coupons and groupons passing time avoiding stress thoughts or tasks i am stuck on...whatever it maybe i just eat. This happens when i am out.

Eating feels like a form of hiding when i cannot hide. I notice i do celebrate eat alone and i just eat. Credit card tap tap tap eat eat eat.

I hope your health is improving ?along with diet too.

 

[ms spock]

I'm actually making progress in this. I did put a lot of the weight back on there were multiple reasons. My Father died and though I had waited for his death for a long time it did have an impact on me, my partner has been very ill, and there was a fear of losing my partner and though I overreacted to the wrong thing, it's a real fear. I just have to get through these next lot of operations. Then my partner's Father had a fall and I got overinvolved in that I guess. My psychiatrist said I let it take over my life and yeah I did and she is right but I don't think he's got long now. Anyway I was in a difficult situation and I did eat a little bit but not in the comforting way. Actually I went to the fridge to get the leftovers and I thought this won't help and I walked back out to the difficult situations and sat with that. And I did you know.

So I have made all these changes in myself and now it's just a matter of bringing them altogether, and I am at the point where I am starting to do that. It's been quite the slog. I am most fortunate to be able to deal all the skills that I have been able to learn. Some folks never get a chance and I feel really lucky.

I have this mindset of the deprived kid living in this barren world - like living in a flashback so now I am working on grounding and stepping out of that. It's helping. I don't need to eat to manage. It's just more faulty thinking. And I can do this now because I dealt with so many other issues. It's a big change.

 

[ms spock]

Still working on this in an effort to move forward more healthfully. A lot is circling; wondering if I have a pituitary tumor affecting my addrenals and then thyroid. Just a lot to take on by myself without medical oversight. Working on being compassionate and less judgmental with myself in terms of my current girth. A lot of plates in the air being juggled.

It's a lot but it's a bit by bit to get there. Every change makes a difference.

 

[ms spock]

This is a very accurate list of me and when I eat eat eat from not eating at all.
Eating feels like a form of hiding when i cannot hide. I notice i do celebrate eat alone and i just eat. Credit card tap tap tap eat eat eat.

I hope your health is improving ?along with diet too.

I am making a modest but substantial progress. It's a lot of practice.

 

[ms spock]

So I am back to this. I have to claw back to where I was but each time I do this I go deeper into the new skills and I am integrating other skills as well. So slowly but surely I am moving forwards.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It's interesting and gut wrenching as well to observe my rational mind going its own way while working along side of my monkey mind. There are a lot of skirmishes. At least I'm starting to see it now though. I am aware. Hiding just doesn't seem to be an option anymore and I am controlling nothing positive with this behavior, so I'm trying to stay present and really think through what I'm doing regarding food and nutrition, and acknowledging when I'm using ED in my life for one reason or another.

 

[ms spock]

I am kind of stepping out of this and kind of struggling with it this time.