ED Disordered eating

[NatBird]

I am really struggling with not choosing to comfort eat at the moment.

I am continuing to choose to eat to sooth and comfort myself.

I can see how easy it was for me to put all that weight on, and it wouldn't be hard to put it all back on. I am noting how much a portion size but eating so much more. This is where I am at at this time. I need to move a bit forward with it but this is the best I can do right now. It is my Birthday tomorrow, that is stressful with my sister. I am also trying writing covering letters and resumes, so all my self doubt and self hatred, and not being good enough is coming up. It is really hard to not be dissociated, derealised, or in maladaptive day dreaming or eating or binge watching TV.

I'm sorry to hear it is a struggle at the moment. I know it might be hard to believe but this moment will pass.

I am wondering if you are able to remove things that might trigger comforting eating for now?

I'm witnessing and sending support.

 

[ms spock]

That is a good idea @NatBird, removing the food.

 

[ms spock]

I ate 4 bowls of blueberries and yoghurt last night. I chose to comfort eat. I am slipping into it quite a bit at the moment.

 

[ms spock]

I am choosing to comfort eat an awful lot this last week. I also had my birthday and decided to lash out.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've been pondering a question asked on another forum that I saw some time ago. "Do you want to recover?" It seems like a simple question, but it just isn't for me. I think I turn it around on myself, based upon my behaviors, and tell myself that I must not want to heal (Bad, stupid, weak, what is wrong with you??!). It's not that simple though. I've learned that it has a lot to do with complex trauma. There exists a great deal of cognitive and emotional damage attendant thereto inside of my being. Grrr, argggg.... So goes the internal conflict and rifts. Cutting myself slack, gathering in compassion, breathing, and working on mindfulness.

The last couple of days have been half and half in terms of being healthier in my behaviors. I'm finding myself waiting to eat breakfast. For example, today I am writing in here and sipping tea... ;0 Yesterday I was up early and had breakfast, and joined a friend for lunch. I'm keeping up with my supplements and trying to drink water. Evenings, though, are a catastrophe of continuous grazing. Ugh.... Distraction is not working and neither is coaching. Maybe some other aspects of my life need to fall into place before I can make progress here. I'm not sure at this point.

I have a lot of work to do in this regard. I have the knowledge, I have the tools, but I just don't seem to have a belief that I can do this. I'm not sure how to back myself out of this cornered mindset. I'm doing half/half on sticking with my routine/structure that I mapped out. I think if I an manage this consistently, maybe I can buff the corners off of some of my rigid thinking. I know that nothing good comes from that and that makes it all the more daunting. I know better, but maybe it's the case that I don't "believe" better is possible for myself.

Will keep working on sticking to my routine and continue with my readings for now, and keep myself in a space of compassion and mindfulness.

@Living in the 70s - Have you done any reflection on the basis of your disordered eating at this point in your life? ED is different for me now than it was back in my teens/twenties, young adulthood, and even from 10 years ago. Just wondering in case it might help you to think about it. In any case, I'm sending strength and light. :)

 

[ms spock]

I am scared feeling my feelings @VioletButterfly I am feeling scared of putting myself out on the line, and not being good enough. I use food as a way of blocking contact and overwhelm by the world. I use food as a way to feel grounded. It is part of my reactive attachment disorder - it helps me be blocked towards people.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I've been thinking about how I'm using food as well and still wondering about the "recovery" question above, but well... I use it to calm down, to shutdown my racing mind, and to shut out the World. My anxiety is horrendously taxing and can be debilitating. Stress surrounding real-time concerns has been and still is a major issue. I've decided to be mindful of my behaviors, but not to criticize of beat myself up at this point. I'm just trying to add in positives to my life. Stretching is the next hurdle and is a part of my "plan," but well.... it's been kind of left out... Working on it. :)

I've experienced little bubbles of hope over the past few days alternating with deep depression and lots of crying. It's kind of odd, but I'm hanging tough and trying to use mindfulness and prayer to stay closer to the middle of my thinking/emotions than at the extremes.

I've gone back to an old tradition of lighting a small candle which I call my light of hope each day. Small steps, but I'm moving forward. I also worked on visualization this morning as I was trying to shake myself out of anxiously cycling dreams. Ugh! Anyway, it is something I've read over and again in different variations, but basically the premise is that you have to imagine it before you can "realize" it in real-time. Maybe it's playing on the power of positivity; I don't know. Maybe it's the idea of what you focus on grows? Many renditions, I guess. I'm working on it though.

So, trying out old and new mechanisms to move myself in a healthier direction. That said, I'm still working on accomplishing tasks on my "index card plan" and am still at about 50-50 in terms of results. Still taking supplements, eating breakfast and lunch, reading my daily readings books, looking for jobs... Falling down on reading the trauma recovery book (why? avoidance? fear?). Not sure. This might go back to the "recovery" question. Hmmm. Something to journal about today.

 

[frogthroat]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also struggle with food. I don't eat unless I'm drinking. I don't eat all day and then I'll eat chips or pizza with a beer. I used food as comfort growing up too and now I just kind of hate it and I'm disgusted by the thought of eating. It doesn't make sense. I used to eat and eat and eat until I felt sick especially when I was hurting but now there's just no pleasure in eating. I'm not sure if this ED or just depression. It's like I hate myself for needing food. It's really weird.

 

[ms spock]

So I am kind of stalling, and kind of maintaining this. I am still overweight, but very grateful not to be obese anymore. I am a four kilos above the top of my weight range, but on the other hand I have kept the 12-3 kilos that I had on the beginning of this year so that is quite the achievement. I still struggle with feeling that a regular portion size is enough. I was always stuffed full of food as a form of comfort, and I used feeling full of food to feel grounded as well. I really don't know how to feel grounded.

So I resisted comfort eating for a long time yesterday, and then I did a small bit of comfort eating. Several portions of fruit, yoghurt and dates over a couple of hours, with small bits of three types of chocolate - a mouthful or couple of mouthfulls each. So what I am eating when I am comfort eating is much more moderate and reasonable amounts to eat.

I am really trying to change in significant ways at the moment. I am looking for jobs, and it is scaring the shit out of me.

I did have a small blueberries when I went to bed. And that is a huge improvement. I am not binge eating in terror at night. So slipping and sliding but still overall huge and significant improvements.

I would like to move to the next step and be further along than I am but this is where I am at, and it is all huge progress.

 

[ms spock]

I spent the day munching on frozen fruit. Not sure if I should have just told myself to knock it off. I just have to learn to sit with the feelings. I can't avoid them forever. But it is hard. I am finding it hard. I am doing better though at least I am trying and falling over rather than being numb and frozen. So progress, messy progress, but progress.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Ugh, sliding down a hill here. Time to deal with my anxiety head on. Not sure what to do. Can I have a Xanax or 20 right now? I'd honestly consider trying a new medication at this point, but that's not possible without insurance, so time to hit the herbs and supplements, and oh yeah, healthy food along with moderate exercise. No new math here - just the old fashioned addition and subtraction.

Fighting hopelessness and helplessness today. I've been actively trying to address my irrational thoughts today with kindness and contradiction. I'm going to spend time on this matter this week along with focusing on my index card plan. If I can keep current with that each day and not overwhelm myself, then I feel I work on moving forward.

I'm not a goal person, but I'm going to set one for this week. I want to adhere to 75% of the index card plan each day this week.

@RuffledFeathers - I replied to your other thread. Get as much support around you that you can. I read Courage to Change each day (when I'm following the plan). It's a daily readings publication from Al Anon. The changing of your thinking and mind-set makes a difference. Just my option, but I think you might really like a good Al Anon group and maybe EDA. See the other thread. Best to you. VB

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Living in the 70s - Could have written your post. Standing in solidarity with you, and sending strength and courage. Feelings are hard and yet feel like s slippery slope at the same time. I used to believe that if I started crying, I'd drown under the weight of the tidal wave of them. I don't feel that way anymore; I just cry (a lot!). Maybe feeling feelings can have the same outcome? Hang in there girlie. VB