Disrespectful Father....

[Cerulean Synapse]

Hi guys, I wanted to tell you how I missed coming here to ptsd forums. Well I guess I want to rant about something and I guess get some feedback. Am I being immature by telling my father that I want to take time off of seeing my father for recovery reasons? I said it just like that. It is really because he drinks and he triggers me for a past abusive relationship. But my father is in denial. As soon as I said that I was made to look out to be the bad guy. He said oh same dance blaming all your woes on me. I'm used to it. So I responded with Stop with the guilt tripping and I am done with it literally. I am not blaming you is what I said. But I guess I am taking some distance from him for the sake of my stability. And he said to grow up.

At this point I said I don't think I am the one who needs to grow up. Doctors orders. So I don't know if I could just ignored him but he makes me so angry. Especially after all the pain and suffering physically he has inflicted on me. In fact he doesn't believe I have a real illness. I guess he is just having a hissy fit. I don't think he will ever apologize ever ever ever. But that is my rant.

 

[who am i kim]

No, I do not think you are being immature. You are setting boundaries and that is what you need. Your father needs to respect them and you will need to keep working at them.

My mother is in denial and does not think she is to blame for anything. So you are not alone there. Get on with your healing and do not wait around for an apology from your father.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Abusive people often find a way to turn the tables and make you feel weak for not putting up with their bullsh!t. They say you're a coward for running away. It's re victimization.

 

[Jlso111187]

Your in the right. If the relationship between you and him is toxic you need to take a break from it to get yourself better. You did the right thing no matter what he tells you.

As for him saying you dont have a real illness, a lot of people dont think PTSD is real as well as depression. They think its something one can get over just like that we all here know that its not. This is a life long thing. We will have days that are better than others. If people cant see the illness its not real. People are so naive.

 

[LhasaLover]

You know, it sounds as though it would be great if you could take a break from your father. ScaredOfLoney is so right, they turn the tables even on the most clear cut issues to make it be your fault. It's super tiring. You could probably use a break from all these mind games. Honestly, it's difficult to work through issues with people disqualifying you. It is indeed re-victimation and you cannot heal around it! Hope this post gives you some of your confidence back!

Be true to yourself!!!

 

[Britt.f7]

My mom use to do that. I hated it because then you couldn't or had a difficult time dealing with the issue at hand. I took a break from my mom in my mid twenties. I think it was the best thing for the both of us. It actually helped our relationship, though it didn't stop her from commenting like your father did.

You were handling it like a grown up, though you were drawn into the game. Hard to get around that when they talk that way, but you can. If anything, he wasn't handling it like a grown up. When they do that it reminds me of little children fighting, and not very rational.

Hang in there.

 

[goingonhope]

Probably just another damn bullying tactic. I don’t know what extent of criminality your father engaged in with his alcoholism and abuses, but whether he did or whether not, he does not have the right to possess you. That’s all there is to it.

Whether alcoholic or not people pull this crap. If someone is suffering, lost and/or with alcoholics, .....it just tends to confuse, mix-up emotions and make one feel worse, due to the degrees of fears and responsibility for which we may have attached to the well-being or rescue of the person. That's been my experience anyhow, so please do disregard if unfitting.

Next time though, perhaps you'll need to word what you say to suit your father's known comprehension.

Maybe instead of …I want to, .................... (clearly you said nothing wrong),

go ahead and state: Dad, I am taking time for me and will not be seeing you.

Even tell him approximately for how long, if you choose. Or don’t, depending upon your thoughts and relationship.

(because alcoholism and denial doesn't care what you want),

[sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh, just straightforward and perhaps helpful]

Then if he asks why. You might tell him, …for my personal recovery.

If it becomes necessary, block out any words of persuasive manipulation and re-iterate just what you’re doing and perhaps when he might expect to hear from you again. Then go about your business and pat yourself on the back for having made your own decision and set your boundary.

You’re no longer his victim.

In no way am I implying that this is best accomplished through disrespect, (as he is not a victim of you either, ……though he may falsely believe he is). Just simply a matter of fact, firm and clear enough way that he can’t help but understand that you have not made a request or opened up discussion, but rather communicated and well, your full decision and intent.

Take care of you, too. You matter as well.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think you are doing a wonderful job of taking good care of yourself.

I never got a apology from any of my relatives and my parents and they are all dead now and out of my life. My life is so much better without the drama and the crazymaking.

Clearly your father does not see or hear you so it is in your best interests to leave him alone. He sounds like he is not going to change. You need to do alot of healing from the damage he has done to you.

I had to cut off my entire family and it was very difficult. I missed them so much, but I began to heal and to grow stronger.

I have barely minimal contact with my sister who is very dysfunctional. We only have barely phone contact. She calls me. It is very complicated because she is very sick and dying. But my sanity demands that I keep my distance from her.

I hope you take a long break and some of what I said is useful to you. I really feel for you, what you are doing is very difficult and it really tears at your heart. I wish you the best in this situation.

You are setting boundries for yourself and becoming your own person I say good for you. Hugs.

 

[LhasaLover]

Gizmo's, as well as everyone's post is very wise... I have been meaning to share an experience I had yesterday with this thread.

The reality is, with dysfunctional relationships, be it abusers or alcoholics (sometimes one in the same), they do not have your best interest at heart. Coming to terms with the fact that your own family is causing damage to your psyche is not pleasant and rather painful.

Often family members play on our guilt or desire for a family to keep us and continue to tolerate their crazy-making, demeaning ways. Lies and embellishments become normal and you live in their crazymaking reality - not reality as the outside worth knows it.

I was in therapy with a family member yesterday and I could feel the hooks coming when I was wishing for relief, but I was not surprised. In fact, the indirect statements meant to hurt, did just that... hurt! I have learned not to respond at all by trying to gain acceptance. It takes all my energy, but I just go into self-care and stop myself from absorbing anymore stress, knowing "the game" and not playing it! My PTSD and anxiety symptoms are flaring up and I need to keep myself productive and work to not dissociate. Honestly, you can spend your time building relationships that are productive kind and rewarding! You cannot do this when you are around a family who puts you down. Maybe they will learn if you put some distance in between the two of you, that you are not tolerating unacceptable behavior.

Your first order of business should be to take care of yourself and do not make compromises with people that do not look out for your best interest... this is your life. I really feel for you but it sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders. Setting boundaries is difficult but in the end brings such relief!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have also found that they may bitch and moan and whine but most of them eventually come around and accept the new boundries. They are not used to people setting limitations on them. They are used to be bullying and using intimidation to get their way.

I personally experienced this with quite a few people. It is not easy and be prepared for an explosion but it is all bluster. They are not little tin gods.

I wish you the best on this one. You have us for support and we will walk with you through it.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

I think you are right about this. Being direct as possible is probably the best thing I could of done instead of saying I want to. It gives me control of the situation instead of giving him some control. He claims he is not an alcoholic, but I know better, he drinks about a 12 pack a day and thinks it is not a problem. Sorry if this may have triggered you in anyway. This is very helpful information. Stating how long might have been helpful too, as he is the kind that wants to know when and where now, but if you ask where and when he doesn't care. As for criminalities he beat the Sh!t out of me as a kid so that DCF was called in a couple of times. My siblings were his favorites for some strange reason and I had behavioral problems from a molestation that happened on his neglectful watch if you want to know while he was drinking with his friends.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

Gizmo's, as well as everyone's post is very wise... I have been meaning to share an experience I had yesterday with this thread.

The reality is, with dysfunctional relationships, be it abusers or alcoholics (sometimes one in the same), they do not have your best interest at heart. Coming to terms with the fact that your own family is causing damage to your psyche is not pleasant and rather painful.

Another thing is they may not be the ones healing themselves and they may be in total denial. And this is the truth. I probably shouldn't expect and apology ever from my father. He isn't the one going to therapy or is ever going to go to therapy. And he never has my best interests in hand. Thank you Gizmo, Lhasa, and many more for the wonderful supportive responses. It is re-victimization. It's hard not to dissociate about the crimes my father committed against me and switch into another personality. But somehow I stay strong and the best thing for me right now is no contact. My siblings don't understand, but they accept it and at least they accept that I have an illness that was created by abuse because they suffered some too. And I guess that is the difference between someone who has your best interest and loves you for who you are and some who wants you to be more than you are, like my father and said it to me exactly to stop with the bullsh!t. It hurts. After he learns that his daughter isn't visiting him anymore he will be in a brooding mood or he won't I don't care as far as it goes I just want three solid months of stability.