Dissociating Into Victim Of SO Mode

[seaworthy]

I came back ‘home’ for the holidays and am finding myself dissociating into one of my C-PTSD states with my SO (?).

I do not feel ‘safe’ around him. I don’t think he is or ever has been my SO, this is just another perp-victim relationship. I feel I am a hostage to this situation and am acting with Stockholm Syndrome, programmed ways.
I am hoping to find a place to stay until I can leave after New Year’s. I don’t want to lose the progress I have made in starting to know my real selves by constantly walking on eggshells and being hypervigilant to him.

 

[seaworthy]

I don't know why when I make a 'new post' it doesn't show up under the New Posts?

I realize I've been away from my usual environment for medical and alcohol treatment, only to finally see and ACCEPT my C-PTSD and dissociation. I'm also aware of the massive change in direction I must make to get healed and whole.

It's like 'one part' of me has this tired old INSANE relationship and the rest of me isn't involved, wants out or just relief! The hallmark trigger for me is the 'crazy-making' which is the backdrop for the psychotic, sadism of my Traumas.

 

[TLight]

I think it doesn't show up because you wrote it. It only shows up when someone responds.

It sounds like you have been coming to some real awareness. Is it possible you can talk to your SO in a rational calm manner about your relationship?

If it is not healthy, chances are it won't get that way without extra outside help. If it is dangerous because you are dissociating so....you really need to figure this out with the help of your therapist.

Wish I could say more, but it is not my place as I don't know the 'happenings.' But I urge you not to over react or under react, but talk with your therapist honestly about the situation.

 

[Mercy]

Hard Place To Be !!

Dear Seaworthy,
There are a few of us here who experience MPD?DID. I know how frustrating and scarey it is not to be 'in control' of our own lives. It is the same for our inner others too. Do you have a way to communicate with other inner folks. Remember that all came in the beginning to protect you. Even SO may be frightened of dying through the therapy process. What I have found so far is that everbody gets to stay. they are after all parts of you.

IMPORTANT: How they understand their roles now in this moment will gradually change as you work your suffering through. As you 'speak' with them in pictures, collage, in a note book, they will get to know each other and you when you write back. SO sounds like an inner protector who will fight when he perceives danger. He will need to feel safe. He needs the chance to let his guard down some day and then his presence will be good for everyone. Maybe, he can learn that his hypervigilance is needed in a different way to help out inside. I wonder if he thinks he is a marine on assignment all the time. How exhausting that is.:think:

All the parts of you served you very well when they were created. They may not be serving you well now that you 're grown and circumstances have changed. I'm glad that you know you will need a 'massive change in direction'. Keep fighting for your goodness and generosity. Gradually we can choose to become who we are by what we do, not by what was done to us.:Hug_emoticon:

Mercy