D
Deleted member 1860
I really do hate this paradoxical sort of healing. Of course we all want to be on a positive path where things move in a healing direction, but I have a number of symptoms that have been getting worse even though I am overall getting much better. This is one of those symptoms.
So I experienced a trigger two days ago. All day yesterday and most of the day today I was in a dissociative state of sorts. I think it was on the wavelength of derealization as I felt disconnected from the world. This sort of thing has happened to me a handful of times in the past 7 years, so on the whole not too concerning, but its becoming more frequent which is a cause for concern. I mean if I don't get a hold on it, my prospects of holding some sort of employment will be diminished and I'm pretty determined to get back to work within the next five years.
To clarify, I have processed much of my trauma. The memories and thoughts of my traumas do not negatively affect me. Rather, when confronted with something that signals DANGER to my brain, my brain goes on an unexpected and unapproved "vacation". Last summer fireworks brought on a one day dissociative state. That one was a bit scary as it was the first time I'd experienced it in years. Then again last summer, someone's drinking problems came to light which in many ways reflected what I experienced as a child growing up with an alcoholic mother, and I had a 3 day period of dissociation where it was difficult to speak. Again last month I heard my mother's voice (I have gone no contact) and it sent me into a bad dissociation. And two days ago I dealt with a so called friend who went too far with sexual talk and I've been dealing with dissociation since, with difficulty speaking, having a hard time finding words, not being able to say things without stuttering or mumbling....all of this is new. The previous struggles with speech would render me silent. This time I'm trying to push through it. I can't even remember the words to my favorite songs so singing along in the car is even hard.
I know that things often get worse before they get better. My guess is that since I'm really doing a lot more with my life, I am subjecting myself to more possible triggers and that is why all of this is coming out now. For the longest time I was very isolated and didn't do much in the world. But now that I'm ready to push forward in terms of functioning, I'm exposing myself to more stressful situations and the dissociation is happening more frequently.
It REALLY freaks me out. I start thinking that I have dementia or early onset Alzheimer's and then I go off down the bunny trail....thinking that I refuse to life a life like this....this is no way to live, I swear I'll off myself! I'm at home now so the symptoms are better. I can't say the episode is over, because I'm still having issues with word finding and speech, but it feels like the derealization fog is lifting.
It really is scary when these major symptoms get worse further on down the line of healing. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong!
Feedback? Ideas? Similar experiences?
Thanks.
Oh, and another thing.....does dissociation make you EXHAUSTED! OMG I'm so tired! My body doesn't even work like it usually does. Its like my motor coordination needs to be oiled or something because its not happening smoothly. I'm tripping over myself. My hands and fingers don't work as they normally do. Argh.
So I experienced a trigger two days ago. All day yesterday and most of the day today I was in a dissociative state of sorts. I think it was on the wavelength of derealization as I felt disconnected from the world. This sort of thing has happened to me a handful of times in the past 7 years, so on the whole not too concerning, but its becoming more frequent which is a cause for concern. I mean if I don't get a hold on it, my prospects of holding some sort of employment will be diminished and I'm pretty determined to get back to work within the next five years.
To clarify, I have processed much of my trauma. The memories and thoughts of my traumas do not negatively affect me. Rather, when confronted with something that signals DANGER to my brain, my brain goes on an unexpected and unapproved "vacation". Last summer fireworks brought on a one day dissociative state. That one was a bit scary as it was the first time I'd experienced it in years. Then again last summer, someone's drinking problems came to light which in many ways reflected what I experienced as a child growing up with an alcoholic mother, and I had a 3 day period of dissociation where it was difficult to speak. Again last month I heard my mother's voice (I have gone no contact) and it sent me into a bad dissociation. And two days ago I dealt with a so called friend who went too far with sexual talk and I've been dealing with dissociation since, with difficulty speaking, having a hard time finding words, not being able to say things without stuttering or mumbling....all of this is new. The previous struggles with speech would render me silent. This time I'm trying to push through it. I can't even remember the words to my favorite songs so singing along in the car is even hard.
I know that things often get worse before they get better. My guess is that since I'm really doing a lot more with my life, I am subjecting myself to more possible triggers and that is why all of this is coming out now. For the longest time I was very isolated and didn't do much in the world. But now that I'm ready to push forward in terms of functioning, I'm exposing myself to more stressful situations and the dissociation is happening more frequently.
It REALLY freaks me out. I start thinking that I have dementia or early onset Alzheimer's and then I go off down the bunny trail....thinking that I refuse to life a life like this....this is no way to live, I swear I'll off myself! I'm at home now so the symptoms are better. I can't say the episode is over, because I'm still having issues with word finding and speech, but it feels like the derealization fog is lifting.
It really is scary when these major symptoms get worse further on down the line of healing. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong!
Feedback? Ideas? Similar experiences?
Thanks.
Oh, and another thing.....does dissociation make you EXHAUSTED! OMG I'm so tired! My body doesn't even work like it usually does. Its like my motor coordination needs to be oiled or something because its not happening smoothly. I'm tripping over myself. My hands and fingers don't work as they normally do. Argh.
