DID Dissociative identity disorder and voices

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have a question for those with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). My therapist and I were talking about it since I have DID, but am still in that denial, wish it weren't true, kind of stage. (Funny I can say I have DID and still try to deny it.) I am wondering if people on here with DID hear voices. Anyone willing to answer that, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[amy4k]

It depends on your definition of hearing voices. I hear voices coming from inside my head, not outside. But, yes I have voices that talk to me and talk among each other. I have some that don't speak, instead talk to me using visions (again I know they are coming from inside). Since my diagnosis our entire focus has been on building communication between all the alters or parts and myself learning to live with the new knowledge. It is funny that something that has been happening basically my entire life feels so different once there is an explanation for it.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It depends on your definition of hearing voices.

I mean the voices from within kind of voices. Thanks for responding.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've communicated with bits of me, but in my case it's always been silent. I 'hear the words in my head', but there's no audio.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@BlueOrange - do you mean that there are voices, but they're all in your head rather than sounding like they're coming from outside of the body? Have you been diagnosed with DID or just a strong suspicion that you have it or just communicating with parts that aren't necessarily unique identities? I am sorry for all the questions, I am just really trying to understand a bit more about DID.

 

[BlueOrange]

I love questions - they give me an opportunity to pretend that I'm an expert, which is reassuring.

• do you mean that there are voices, but they're all in your head rather than sounding like they're coming from outside of the body?

What I mean is that there is a sense that there is someone communicating words to me, and that I know that the words are coming from that 'someone', but I experience no audio whatsoever. The words appear in my head as if I were reading them, but I don't see any text. I imagine that telepathic communication would be like the communication that I've experienced with bits of myself.

• Have you been diagnosed with DID or just a strong suspicion that you have it or just communicating with parts that aren't necessarily unique identities?

I've been diagnosed with PTSD. However, there's this rather interesting quote from my ex-wife to my psychiatrist: "When he gets angry, it's like he becomes someone else." There is no question that I have experienced dissociative amnesia. My psychiatrist has been reluctant to communicate diagnosis with me (partly because I tend to use labels to define myself), but always gets a bit excited and interested whenever the words 'dissociation' or 'identity' enter the conversation. (It was not until I'd been seeing him for 3 years that I stopped being in denial about having PTSD.)

There was a point in my life where I identified the parts of myself as Blue, Orange, Grey and Black (Blue and Orange are the ones who put in the most public appearances, Grey is completely non-verbal, and Black is extremely hateful and managed very carefully). I've had a close relationship with a person with DID, and have given relationship counselling to a pair of people who happened to live in the same head.

I feel confident that I can talk about split personalities and what the experience is like, and now you know why I feel confident. I have not been issued a diagnosis of DID.

 

[amy4k]

I don't experience audio either...it would be rather impossible as the alters do not send out sound waves. It is internal communication. But, each one has their own speech pattern that is very similar to how they sound externally. I have recorded some of my therapy sessions because I wanted to hear these parts that were talking to my T. Interestingly my adult alters sound like me, but the little ones sound like children and the youngest has the same speech disorder I did as a young child.

We also communicate through our journal or sketch pad. Different ones have different ways they are comfortable communicating.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

If you don't mind here's another question (if you do mind, ignore it). Have you always had these kind of internal communications? I guess hearing is the wrong word since there wouldn't be audio if it was in your head. I am asking because I don't necessarily feel like I have internal voices though I can sense reactions and sometimes thoughts. But everything I have read talks about the "hearing" of internal voices so then I start to think I am just crazy.

 

[amy4k]

I don't mind questions, but trying to explain the experience of DID can be difficult, so please bear with me.

The "voices" could be thought of as "thoughts", although they are thoughts that don't seem to belong to who "I" am. And, there are feelings that don't belong either. An example: I love my husband and I want to spend time with him. But, there is another part that has only recently become aware of the present again and is kind of stuck in trauma time (it was active when I was a child/teen, but not as an adult so it had not been around when I married my husband), and It does not like or trust men. So, when this particular part is close to the "front" or surface and sees my husband It becomes very upset and agitated. I don't necessarily have to switch to this part, I will hear It say things like "Be careful. Get away..." And, I may find it very uncomfortable to hug or be close to my husband and may leave the room. On the other hand, I have a little one that adores my husband and will become very excited when she sees him and will crawl up into his lap.

Have you always had these kind of internal communications?

I have, but a year ago I wouldn't have known it for what it was. I have always carried on discussions in my head and always been able to have lots of different view points. But, I didn't think this was unusual until my T said that most people don't have this. Yes, they carry on discussions with themselves, but it is with themselves and while they might list out pros and cons they don't come at problems with different point-of-views. I have years of journals which contain all sorts of back and forth discussions with what I at one time called the holy spirit, now I am aware of who it is.

I am asking because I don't necessarily feel like I have internal voices though I can sense reactions and sometimes thoughts. But everything I have read talks about the "hearing" of internal voices so then I start to think I am just crazy.

Some people don't start off hearing their other parts. The DID system is created to protect itself. It can take years to develop internal communication between parts. Some suggest using a journal to write in at different times of day and places. Talk to yourself, and tell them that there is a journal and they can write anything in it they want. Tell them you want to talk to them.

I've probably answered way more than you asked.

You are welcome to ignore what I am about to say, but I worry about you when I read your other posts and then read this one. The first step in treatment for those with Dissociative Identity Disorder is stabilization and internal system communication. Not trauma work. Without building a relationship with those other parts of you, you may be re-traumatizing those hurt parts by reliving the trauma. It will just cause more dissociation. Trauma therapists generally agree that a patient should have some ability to stay co-conscious with their alters when doing trauma work. The first stage, stabilization (not trauma work), can take up to two years. DID treatment is not a race, but a really long marathon.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@amy4k - Thank you so much for your information. It makes tons of sense to me. And thanks for your concern about my current treatment. That leads me to another question. I don't know how to explain it all, but although I don't have good communication with my parts, I am working on being able to reassure them. However, I don't seem to have control over when they come out in therapy and they want to talk about the past trauma. I am still living in the land of denial with that, too. Probably not the healthiest, but I am not sure how else to proceed. My therapist says that she tells the parts they don't have to talk, but she's been establishing trust with them. I started having body memories about the time we started to discover the existence of parts inside of me. How do you work on internal communication and stabilization when the parts want to talk about the trauma? My therapist is helping me a lot, but I understand your point, too. I can stay co-conscious with two of my parts almost all the time, but rarely with the young ones that hold the particular trauma we've been working with.

 

[BlueOrange]

My experience is similar to Amy's. I think that creating a safe environment for alts/parts/spirits/whatever is a good strategy. If the parts want to talk about the trauma, it may be good to let them do it, especially if they can be helped to come to terms with it.

The path you are on (as you have described it so far) seems like a good one, especially since you have a therapist involved who seems to be conscious of your safety.

 

[amy4k]

How do you work on internal communication and stabilization when the parts want to talk about the trauma?

This would just be my opinion because I have only had different parts bring up trauma a few times. Reassuring them and trying to ground them to the present is first (and hardest). Tell them you want to hear what they have to say, but maybe not right now. Ask them if they want to write their story and then put it away. Tell them that there will be time later, but right now you want to know them. The first month or so we filled up one whole notebook writing and rewriting all sorts of traumatic experiences and trying to make sense of everything. But, I have never been able to go back and re-read it. Once it was all out and in that notebook, it became "How do I live with DID?" and viewing my alters as parts of ME, not just parts that hold memories. Maybe they are having to talk about the trauma because they feel that is the only way you will accept them?

When my journey started I was sure I only had three parts...three I had known about and considered my "inner children" of my PTSD for years, just a little more "vivid" than what others described. As we started communicating and they started feeling safe and comfortable more have appeared. Some holding trauma memories, some only emotions and some that were formed later in life and I consider "helpers". How I worked with those first led to the others coming out. This does not mean that they didn't influence and act out in my life before, it was just I couldn't communicate with them. Why does communication make the difference: This weekend I had to go see my parents. My parents and I have an okay relationship today. They were not the worst Abusers in my life...but many parts are triggered in many different ways by my parents. I became steadily more stressed and switchy leading up to the weekend. Finally, I talked to the group as a whole and explained what was happening and why. What the plan was for the day and asked that if anyone really didn't want to see my parents they could stay "back" for the visit. Again, stressing that I am an adult and my parents have no power over us anymore and cannot hurt us. It made the day manageable without any huge anxiety attacks or other issues. When I got home I had to spend some time with those parts that are uncomfortable around my parents to help soothe them. I didn't have days and days of being triggered and out-of-sorts.

Outside of therapy focus on trying to build a relationship with WHO they are. Each of them is a part of you. A part you may not knew existed or if you did one that you never had any control/contact with before. I have one that is a wonderful artist...something I have never done well. I always knew there was a bit of me that was creative, but I couldn't just do it when I wanted to. I try to give her a chance several times a week to just draw or paint. She is actually a part that holds a lot of undistributed anger and the time helps her and me. She can draw out what she is feeling or needing to release. I am building relationships with the little ones (lots of uncontrolled anxiety and fear and sadness) by learning how to comfort them...they have stuffies and blankets. We watch Curious George and read picture books.

My T points out that DID, in addition to being a trauma disorder, can also be considered an attachment disorder. Personalities are cemented in stable attachment relationships (good or bad), but disordered attachment type relationships cause internal personality conflict in a very young child. They don't know who they are or what they need to do to receive attention from their caregivers. They are not taught how to calm or soothe themselves. For the young ones it is reestablishing or teaching these parts how to calm. Trauma has become secondary to our system. We focus on their likes, dislikes, reactions to triggers, what are their triggers, and what "part" of me they hold or are.