Dissociative Memory Return

[lala]

It started a few months ago and was triggered by something that was happening with my child at school.

I began to notice for the first time that I was missing memories for a few years during high school. I tried to make a timeline of what I did remember. I talked about it with an old friend to see if she could fill in the gaps. We were drinking that night and for unknown reasons I told her "I think something really bad happened to me in a van". I started drawing pictures at first with clocks, black holes and missing time (and a shady van in the background).

One day I was taking a walk and I started seeing this image of old red velvet upholstery.. It was making me feel sick to my stomach. I sat down to draw it and instead, within 10 minutes I had drawn a scene (with my non-dominant hand) showcasing the interior of a van, featuring a gang of boys from high school who had tormented me in a gang rape scene. I almost threw up. I still get sick when I look at it.

I have drawn pages of an entire scenario. It reads like a story but doesn't feel real. It is so f*cked up! However, it explains so many of the times I have been triggered (any time I see one of these people in a public setting, etc.). As this comes back, I feel like I am unraveling. I can put together pieces of it. Smells, sounds (soundtracks), places, times, body memory... I feel totally unglued.

 

[zaniara]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. :( But do you have a therapist helping you? It's not so good to try to figure it all out on your ow.

I can recognize blocking the whole event out: I was abducted and gangraped, but I blocked it all out because I couldn't handle it at all during those years and those years has always been "gone" for me. Until now. But it did effect me in many, many ways years and years after that: I sort of run so fast from it I moved across the country and I couldn't stop running until I got a very good therapist to help me start the healing process.. = I'm currently working with this trauma in EMDR, so I'm not completely "over it" yet. - I can relate to the feeling of being "unglued"..

 

[lala]

I have been doing therapy and EMDR for over a year. I think the therapy is part of what brought the memories back. I am definitely not over it and I don't know if it is something I will ever be over. I also spent many years running and hiding and not knowing why. I just hope after coming undone, I can start to put the pieces back together again.

 

[WillyKat]

That sounds awful. I appreciate the strength you're showing by posting your story here.

I blocked my event out for about 15 years, from age 5 or 6 to age 21. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Suddenly you know why you've felt so lousy your entire life. At the same time, everything seems so hopeless.

My therapist once told me that you remember things when you are strong enough to remember. Well, I sure didn't feel very strong when I remembered. But I think there is something to that. You now at least know and it opens up all sorts of opportunities.