Dissociative states getting worse

[Pauline]

Hi guys at the moment I am in a really bad place I am having severe dissociation where I feel like I'm not even here or nothing is real anymore I feel like I'm just not existing it's really hard to explain I know I was sexually abused but I have no solid memories some hospital memories are coming back but not clear enough how can you help yourself if you can't remember I am struggling to feel in my body and be present with life I am getting painic attacks again I just can't handle this right now I feel my body knows more than my mind does which is frustrating and it's a constant battle between trusting my body and feeling what it needs to feel and then my mind trying to comprehend my trauma can someone please help me X

 

[Friday]

how can you help yourself if you can't remember

One thing doesn’t really have to do with the other.
- Symptom Management is one thing.
- Trauma Processessing is another.

Ideally one does both, but...

- One can manage their symptoms down to nil without ever touching their trauma. (It makes it more likely symptoms will return at some point, but that doesn’t mean they always do for everyone; and in my case that meant 10 years asymptomatic. If I’d been smart I would have sorted my trauma history at some point in that decade, but I honestly didn’t know any better. I thought I had a perky little case of PTSD way back when, and no longer did. Rather than having really badass symptom and stress management that was keeping my symptoms in check.)

- I don’t know a single person with PTSD -who remembers ALL their trauma- that doesn’t also have symptoms.

It’s really not like, if you remember then you won’t have symptoms.

Either way, (whether you remember everything, some things, or nothing) the symptoms will be there, and need to be addressed.

Hanging onto the idea that you have to remember in order to deal with your symptoms? Is putting yourself through a lot of unnecessary hardship.

 

[Keen]

Its okay that its hard to explain, @Pauline , we understand, many of us experience those dissociative symptoms. Its scary, confusing, and stressful! So your response is normal!
Trauma was hard to comprehend when it happened, thats why you end up with dissociative states. Its okay, there's no rush, take your time. The answers and understanding will come, but slowly.
Just allow what is right now. Allow those body memories without feeling like you have to DO something about them or understand them right now. Just let them come, and go, which they will do. And if you don't have a therapist, find one, they can be so much help!

 

[pam4him]

So sorry you have to deal with this. There seems to be some severe trauma your mind and body are trying to process. It may take time, be patient with yourself. Our minds do things to protect us until we are able to process traumatic events. The advice that helped me the most was from one of my counselors. I was not happy about the panic attacks and fought them. She asked my why I was fighting so hard? I didn't know, I didn't like them, it was embarrassing, etc. Her advice was to do some deep breathing and let the panic flow through me. Turns out they were shorter and less exhausting, then pretty much disappeared. I hope that helps you. If you're not in a treatment plan, please consider seeking help. It will make the process easier. Prayers for peace and strength.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you I've hit a bit of a rock bottom nothing seems to be working for me at the moment I'm exhausting myself and my family I'm going to try to go back into treatment but I just have no hopes in getting better I just am really frustrated and angry about it and there seems to be no help for me I'm not going to kill myself but the idea seems pretty better than going through this hellish thing I'm going through

 

[EveHarrington]

What makes you feel safe? What calms you? What soothes you? What makes you feel good?

Maybe it would help to focus on these, even if you only get fleeting moments of improvement.

 

[Abstract]

HI Pauline,
Do you want to discuss what you have been dealing with in therapy and what approach your t uses?
I know I have asked this before but does your t know about your ptsd diagnoses? Is she in contact with the psychiatrist who diagnosed you?
So you have a little bit of memories for the medical stuff in the hospital? Are you processing this with your t?

 

[Friday]

nothing seems to be working for me at the moment

What isn’t working?

 

[Keen]

I've been there, @Pauline, its such a painful place to me. I was just reading an old journal this afternoon, one from 12 years ago, where I was writing very similar things to what you wrote here. I kept writing things like "Everything's impossible, there are no solutions, I've tried everything, I want to kill myself."
But I am so glad I did not give in to the hopelessness. There have been so many happy, meaningful, fulfilling things I have experienced in the last decade. I have met my best friend. I was able to go to college and graduate with a degree. And I was able to make a lot of progress at managing my conditions to where I am at a much better place now than I was then.
I know it may sound trite to say "don't give up hope, take it one day at a time" but it is a really powerful perspective and decision that has allowed me to experience things that seemed completely impossible back when I was at rock bottom, and I believe with all my heart that the same thing can happen for you.
You are a great person, you can overcome anything, and you have the potential to do great things and make the world a better place in your own little way.

 

[Rani G2]

it's really hard to explain I know I was sexually abused but I have no solid memories some hospital memories are coming back but not clear enough how can you help yourself if you can't remember I am struggling to feel in my body and be present with life I am getting painic attacks again I just can't handle this right now

@Pauline can understand. I was sexually abused as a child... have one or two snapshots that cross my mind, Body sensations ect but no linear memory. Grew up in a violent environment, but there aren’t much memories to work with. Therapist and Yoga therapist have worked with the Body and inner stabilization so far, I do take a lot of supplements as well. Emotional stabalization and calming the nervous system has been helpful. Have you ever tried Trauma sensitive Yoga?

 

[Pauline]

Thanks guys I had a pretty awful weekend my dad confronted me to say he never hurt me he had tears in his eyes I feel in my heart he would never do anything but I was running on this line because I wanted some clarity of my memory loss and who could have abused me now I feel like I will live with this guilt forever I want to be able to trust my dad again because I love him but my mind just won't let me trust him right now now I feel like I am back to square one it's just so unfair when everything is blocked out I probably jumped to my dad because he is the only man in my life and I have this awful feeling in my body like I've been violated or feel gross in some way I'm really working on my relationship with my father because deep down I love him very much anyways sorry for my rant thanks for your support

 

[EveHarrington]

When you say everything is blocked out, some things must be pointing you toward your dad, right?