Hello, I'm new here. Like many others, I'm just looking for a place to plant my feet and get some help in understanding and loving someone with PTSD. This is my story in a nut shell (ok, it's a LONG nutshell, but still :)):
My SO and I met and became best friends when we were teenagers. The friendship became love, but after high school, he went off to the military and I went off to college. We painfully separated under the pressure of our different lifestyles and didn't speak for many years. We managed to find our way back to each other via Facebook and quickly became best friends again. At the time, he was on his second deployment and finalizing his divorce. We talked for hours each day and, about a year in, we started confessing to those old feelings and became a couple again. Things were great, and, as luck would have it, he is stationed very close to where I live.
Neither of us are in a position to move closer to each other because of our jobs, but the long distance was never a problem because we're just a short weekend drive away and we had constant communication throughout the week.......until his ex moved several states away with their two children. Suddenly, he became an entirely different person - he lost all interest in our phone calls and text conversations, became extremely distant and withdrawn, yet he acted as if there was nothing out of the ordinary when I pointed out our new lack of communication.
A year went by under those circumstances. It was a year filled with a lot of arguing, confusion, and near break ups. He swore that there was nothing wrong while I stood by baffled at how he couldn't understand how differently he was behaving. Then came his third deployment. Oddly, it started out with him emailing me constantly and acting wonderfully attentive and affectionate - the real him was back. Unfortunately, it was short lived. The deployment went on and he became worse than ever. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks at a time, but all the while, he swore that he loved me and missed me and everything was fine.
When he came home, things really got bad - he wasn't sleeping, he would snap and yell at me over nothing, and he was EXTREMELY uncomfortable in crowds. He talked to a counselor once and they attributed his behavior to his lack of sleep and gave him some sleep meds to help regulate his cycle. He got his days and nights back in rhythm and became a little less irritable, but still incredibly withdrawn. He used to talk about his deployments like they were no big deal but now, he becomes extremely distressed if you bring them up even in casual conversation (and I no longer do).
For the longest time, I never considered that he might have PTSD because he always wrote it off and very confidently said he couldn't have it because he wasn't exposed to any severe war trauma. He once mentioned that his first deployment was a pretty dangerous one, but he talked about it openly and casually - until now.
We're now at a point where I've had all I can take of his distance. He calls me on his way home from work (at my request) and we talk for about 15 minutes (the conversation is touch and go, some days he's somewhat cheerful and talkative, some days he's almost completely silent). Then, he sits in his apartment and reads until bed time. He reads constantly - no communication with family, with friends, and barely with me. He used to respond when I'd send him a picture or a text, but now he ignores me and spends all of his spare time hiding in his books. He's also become very withdrawn in person - spending much our time together staring at the tv or reaching for a book. He's agreed to go to counseling (at my urging), but, unfortunately, the military is dragging their feet and he's had to request it multiple times and we're still waiting for an appointment.
I truly don't know what I'm dealing with here. I'm reading a lot about PTSD and trying to understand the complexities of what's going on with him. I know that losing his children was traumatic, but I think it's more than that. He and his ex are still on good terms so he can make arrangements to talk to them and see them whenever he wants. She only moved because her new husband was stationed elsewhere and they'll even most likely move back here within the next couple of years.
I'm almost thinking that the trauma of divorce/living on his own again/kids moving away triggered something from his deployments to come to surface. I do know for certain that he loves me and that he doesn't mean to treat me this way. I'm just so worn down and exhausted from trying to deal with this alone that I no longer know what to do with myself. All advice, similar experiences, support, and suggestions are very much welcome.
Thanks for listening.
My SO and I met and became best friends when we were teenagers. The friendship became love, but after high school, he went off to the military and I went off to college. We painfully separated under the pressure of our different lifestyles and didn't speak for many years. We managed to find our way back to each other via Facebook and quickly became best friends again. At the time, he was on his second deployment and finalizing his divorce. We talked for hours each day and, about a year in, we started confessing to those old feelings and became a couple again. Things were great, and, as luck would have it, he is stationed very close to where I live.
Neither of us are in a position to move closer to each other because of our jobs, but the long distance was never a problem because we're just a short weekend drive away and we had constant communication throughout the week.......until his ex moved several states away with their two children. Suddenly, he became an entirely different person - he lost all interest in our phone calls and text conversations, became extremely distant and withdrawn, yet he acted as if there was nothing out of the ordinary when I pointed out our new lack of communication.
A year went by under those circumstances. It was a year filled with a lot of arguing, confusion, and near break ups. He swore that there was nothing wrong while I stood by baffled at how he couldn't understand how differently he was behaving. Then came his third deployment. Oddly, it started out with him emailing me constantly and acting wonderfully attentive and affectionate - the real him was back. Unfortunately, it was short lived. The deployment went on and he became worse than ever. I wouldn't hear from him for weeks at a time, but all the while, he swore that he loved me and missed me and everything was fine.
When he came home, things really got bad - he wasn't sleeping, he would snap and yell at me over nothing, and he was EXTREMELY uncomfortable in crowds. He talked to a counselor once and they attributed his behavior to his lack of sleep and gave him some sleep meds to help regulate his cycle. He got his days and nights back in rhythm and became a little less irritable, but still incredibly withdrawn. He used to talk about his deployments like they were no big deal but now, he becomes extremely distressed if you bring them up even in casual conversation (and I no longer do).
For the longest time, I never considered that he might have PTSD because he always wrote it off and very confidently said he couldn't have it because he wasn't exposed to any severe war trauma. He once mentioned that his first deployment was a pretty dangerous one, but he talked about it openly and casually - until now.
We're now at a point where I've had all I can take of his distance. He calls me on his way home from work (at my request) and we talk for about 15 minutes (the conversation is touch and go, some days he's somewhat cheerful and talkative, some days he's almost completely silent). Then, he sits in his apartment and reads until bed time. He reads constantly - no communication with family, with friends, and barely with me. He used to respond when I'd send him a picture or a text, but now he ignores me and spends all of his spare time hiding in his books. He's also become very withdrawn in person - spending much our time together staring at the tv or reaching for a book. He's agreed to go to counseling (at my urging), but, unfortunately, the military is dragging their feet and he's had to request it multiple times and we're still waiting for an appointment.
I truly don't know what I'm dealing with here. I'm reading a lot about PTSD and trying to understand the complexities of what's going on with him. I know that losing his children was traumatic, but I think it's more than that. He and his ex are still on good terms so he can make arrangements to talk to them and see them whenever he wants. She only moved because her new husband was stationed elsewhere and they'll even most likely move back here within the next couple of years.
I'm almost thinking that the trauma of divorce/living on his own again/kids moving away triggered something from his deployments to come to surface. I do know for certain that he loves me and that he doesn't mean to treat me this way. I'm just so worn down and exhausted from trying to deal with this alone that I no longer know what to do with myself. All advice, similar experiences, support, and suggestions are very much welcome.
Thanks for listening.
