Divorce Incoming.

[CazzTheGeek]

I feel like my life is over. I've struggled with CPTSD and depression for years and my husband has been my main support. However he had an emotional affair with a colleague and still thinks about her. He doesn't know if he wants our marriage anymore. My heart has been broken and my mental health is suffering beyond any pain I have felt before.

I'm back to having nightmares, twitching and tension headaches. The overwhelming fear that I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel emotionally crippled and lack the will to go on if our marriage ends.

 

[Nairobi]

I feel like my life is over. I've struggled with CPTSD and depression for years and my husband has been my main support. However he had an emotional affair with a colleague and still thinks about her. He doesn't know if he wants our marriage anymore. My heart has been broken and my mental health is suffering beyond any pain I have felt before.

I'm back to having nightmares, twitching and tension headaches. The overwhelming fear that I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel emotionally crippled and lack the will to go on if our marriage ends.

@CazzTheGeek I am very sorry than this happened to you. We are here if you need to vent or some support

 

[CazzTheGeek]

I am very sorry than this happened to you. We are here if you need to vent or some support

Thank you, regardless of what the future holds for me, support is essential. I appreciate the

 

[CazzTheGeek]

Update, my husband has asked for a break. So as of last night I'm staying with friends. I have never felt this crushed in all my life. Any words of kindness or advice would be wonderful during this unbearable time. Thank you.

 

[Nairobi]

Update, my husband has asked for a break. So as of last night I'm staying with friends. I have never felt this crushed in all my life. Any words of kindness or advice would be wonderful during this unbearable time. Thank you.

Hi! I have lived the experience of a divorce and It was really heartbreaking for me. But after a time, I feel better. I know it is difficult now, but with time you Will be Happy again.
My advice is that you ask for the help and love of your family and Friends, because with emotional support It is a little easier

 

[Friday]

I feel like my life is over. I've struggled with CPTSD and depression for years and my husband has been my main support. However he had an emotional affair with a colleague and still thinks about her. He doesn't know if he wants our marriage anymore. My heart has been broken and my mental health is suffering beyond any pain I have felt before.

I'm back to having nightmares, twitching and tension headaches. The overwhelming fear that I will lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I feel emotionally crippled and lack the will to go on if our marriage ends.

That’s the base, the foundation, the number one problem of having a loved one as baseline support… it’s CRUSHING for them BECAUSE they love us (not the reverse, that they don’t care, which is what the betrayal sneaks in and lies about)… In entirely different ways than we experience. So WE need support, & THEY need support. Professionals? Do it at a distance. Friends? Don’t. So there’s very reeeeeal give & take. In an ideal world? Both they, and their support, are entirely “friends of the marriage” and deeply entrenched in their own lives. IRL emotional affairs happen (line in the sand isn’t crossed. But lines never imagined, so not defended against, are), & real affairs happen; where a friend falls in love, with someone in pain, that they’re supporting… or vice versa.. or in both directions. It’s an entirely natural thing, rather than a contrived thing. Whether you’re talking about supporting someone with mental health, physical health, grief, etc.? THEY reach out for support, themselves, and find themselves with… people. With their own lives & agendas.

He was your support.
He/She was his support.
Life got messy, because it wasn’t professional & distanced, but personal.

That’s a double lesson, if you two want to make it, together.
You need support beyond HIM.
HE needs support of his own, who is distanced.

Can you two make it through this patch?
No idea.
Many don’t. Some do.
Do you want to? Does he?
Can either/both of you get past this new pain?

 

[CazzTheGeek]

That’s the base, the foundation, the number one problem of having a loved one as baseline support… it’s CRUSHING for them BECAUSE they love us (not the reverse, that they don’t care, which is what the betrayal sneaks in and lies about)… In entirely different ways than we experience. So WE need support, & THEY need support. Professionals? Do it at a distance. Friends? Don’t. So there’s very reeeeeal give & take. In an ideal world? Both they, and their support, are entirely “friends of the marriage” and deeply entrenched in their own lives. IRL emotional affairs happen (line in the sand isn’t crossed. But lines never imagined, so not defended against, are), & real affairs happen; where a friend falls in love, with someone in pain, that they’re supporting… or vice versa.. or in both directions. It’s an entirely natural thing, rather than a contrived thing. Whether you’re talking about supporting someone with mental health, physical health, grief, etc.? THEY reach out for support, themselves, and find themselves with… people. With their own lives & agendas.

He was your support.
He/She was his support.
Life got messy, because it wasn’t professional & distanced, but personal.

That’s a double lesson, if you two want to make it, together.
You need support beyond HIM.
HE needs support of his own, who is distanced.

Can you two make it through this patch?
No idea.
Many don’t. Some do.
Do you want to? Does he?
Can either/both of you get past this new pain?

I do and I'm coming to terms with he may not and I'm still hoping we can. I understand the part I've played and he understands his. We've been very open and honest. Started couples counselling, he went by himself today and she will only be counselling him going forward. I don't know if he wants to continue with couples or not. I'm giving him space and stuck to our boundaries. I'm also taking this time to heal and finding healthy ways to deal with the stress. Taking the time for self discovery and have a therapy assessment next week.

This is the most we've been apart and not spoken with one another. It's so hard to handle.

 

[CazzTheGeek]

So the marriage is over, he asked for a divorce. His in love with this other girl and wants to pursue a relationship with her effective immediately. He couldn't handle seeing what CPTSD did to me and didn't speak up in time enough to try and rescue things. Over the years our relationship crumbled and he does not want to reconcile.

I've been feeling like this was going to happen, so I accepted it but now I will possibly have to live with him until I find a place, I asked if he would hold off pursuing the new relationship until I have sorted things because of the living situation and to consider my feelings, he said no.

I have my choosen family and they're being great however there aren't many of them and I've already had the two week break at my friends, so I need to leave on Sunday.

I'm super sensitive and struggling, if anyone can lend me strength, a kind word, advice or can share their experiences, it would be really appreciated .

 

[Friday]

Why are you the one who has to leave, when he’s the one who wants to leave?

There are lots & lots of reasons why that might be the case (heirloom house in his family, his job owns the loft you live in, etc.), but even if that IS the case? 3 days to pack up & get the f*ck out of the marriage home, before divorce has even been filed much less finalized… just isn’t reasonable. You have every right, to stay in your own home, until courts order otherwise. Which, in most places? Unless there are allegations of abuse? Is about a year from filing. 3 months would still be considered moving quickly, forgetabout 3 days. Even allegations of abuse, requiring an emergency hearing on housing & custody, still takes about 2 weeks. You are reeeeeeally not obligated to climb out a window, quick! now!, so he can bring his new girlfriend in the front door.

Please, speak with a divorce attorney ASAP, and definitely BEFORE you move out.

Doing things “by agreement” is nearly always preferable, but just because he wants something? Does. Not. Mean. YOU. Have. To. Agree. Not anymore. One of the benefits of divorce, which HE has asked for, is that what HE wants? Is no longer your priority (or even your concern, in a lot of cases). It takes awhile for most people to switch the habits of a lifetime together, and put themselves first. Part of getting divorced? Is learning how to do so.

 

[CazzTheGeek]

Why are you the one who has to leave, when he’s the one who wants to leave?

There are lots & lots of reasons why that might be the case (heirloom house in his family, his job owns the loft you live in, etc.), but even if that IS the case? 3 days to pack up & get the f*ck out of the marriage home, before divorce has even been filed much less finalized… just isn’t reasonable. You have every right, to stay in your own home, until courts order otherwise. Which, in most places? Unless there are allegations of abuse? Is about a year from filing. 3 months would still be considered moving quickly, forgetabout 3 days. Even allegations of abuse, requiring an emergency hearing on housing & custody, still takes about 2 weeks. You are reeeeeeally not obligated to climb out a window, quick! now!, so he can bring his new girlfriend in the front door.

Please, speak with a divorce attorney ASAP, and definitely BEFORE you move out.

Doing things “by agreement” is nearly always preferable, but just because he wants something? Does. Not. Mean. YOU. Have. To. Agree. Not anymore. One of the benefits of divorce, which HE has asked for, is that what HE wants? Is no longer your priority (or even your concern, in a lot of cases). It takes awhile for most people to switch the habits of a lifetime together, and put themselves first. Part of getting divorced? Is learning how to do so.

He can't go anywhere because of work and lack of money. His not stopping me from going back, I may have no choice. But to start dating someone immediately whilst I'm still there. I understand you got to move on but damn, give me time to get my shit together. It feels so cold.

 

[Nairobi]

I completely agree with Friday, he has to give you more time and I recommend you to ask to a lawyer before any movement
I send you a Big hug!

 

[CazzTheGeek]

I completely agree with Friday, he has to give you more time and I recommend you to ask to a lawyer before any movement
I send you a Big hug!

Thank you,, I've got a list of divorce attorneys and will be seeking guidance. This experience is so painful and I'm so drained. I will be going back Sunday to speak with him constructively about the situation. I'm going through the grieving process and I don't want us to end up hating each other.