Do I Disclose?

[Jemma]

I've had so many traumas it's amazing I'm still standing, let alone highly functioning. The first that set the tone for my life was being sexually abused by my mother as a very young child. Throughout my whole life I carried a sense of shame and worthlessness and I never knew why until the memories resurfaced during EMDR about 11 years ago. I did disclose to one sister. She believed me at the time, but then she turned on me. Two of my three siblings have cut me out of their lives, and my mother, the sociopath (diagnosed bipolar and bpd) has my adult children under her wing and has spent much of her life discrediting me.

So here's my question: do I tell my other sister and her husband? I want to because I want to set the record straight, and I feel like I have nothing to lose since we have no relationship anyway, but perhaps something to gain because they are close to my children. I suppose it could make things worse, but I also suspect the same thing happened to my sister. She's only 15 months younger. I want to tell my children (ages 30 and 26), but I don't know if they'll believe me about their beloved quirky grandmother and it may cause them to cut me out of their lives altogether.

I am tired of carrying this secret alone. I am alone completely, having lost most of my family and friends. If anyone has had experiences with disclosure that you'd be willing to share, I'd be very grateful. I do have ptsd (complex), but I'm managing it very well. I'm not afraid to speak the truth. In fact, I really want to. My only worry is about my children. Is this a risk worth taking?

Thank you

 

[Anarchy]

You have more experience than me in disclosing ptsd and reasons for having it.

I'm pessimistic about disclosing too

One thought that occurred to me - if you share with your children, you might find they have some things to tell you as well. might.

that can go all sorts of ways, from complete empathy to outright blame for not protecting them.

__________________________
edit:

Once the info is out there, you won't have any control over what other people do with it - just saying.

 

[rascal]

Similar struggle with my family, but my father is the abuser. It's the 500-lb gorilla in the room every time we get together. Because no one talks about it, there's really no coherent narrative among the family about anything. It's strange.

I've danced around the issue without outright saying anything to my sisters. They either A) go into denial or B) avoid the topic. I've given up mostly and sort of settled into the realization that they will have to come to their own conclusions as it's their lives, their perceptions, their Truth. It's not my job to save them, though every fiber of my being screams sometimes to do so.

Mostly posting because I'm curious if someone does have experience with full disclosure also, and how it went down. Good topic!

 

[Jemma]

You have more experience than me in disclosing ptsd and reasons for having it.

I'm pessimistic about d...

Thank you both for your replies. It's similar for me, Rascal, as everyone knows there's something horribly wrong with my mother, but they choose to spend time with her despite her cruelties and insane behaviors. It's like everyone is under a spell. I want to wake them up!

As for my children, it's unlikely that anything happened because they weren't around their grandmother much when they were young. Both of them love her, yet they see the inconsistencies and emotional jabs she makes. They choose to overlook them. I'm very torn.

 

[ladee]

What is going thru my mind is this, You will have no control over the outcome of disclosure. I tried telling my oldest sister, and she immediately went into denial.... I had to really do a lot of work on what my motive was at the time. Did I need to just tell someone?? I already had a support system, so it wasn't that. Did I need to protect anyone? No, everyone was grown and the time had passed since my abuse. Did I want to expose the sperm donor for the fraud he was ?? YES... I wanted him to feel shame and guilt, to be exposed and vulnerable!! All the things I was as a child. It never would have worked... he was evil and had his ways to protect himself and garner sympathy with the other siblings...
Please keep in mind I am sharing my own experience here... not recommending anything except for you to be very clear about your motive... it took time for me to understand that to me, if I knew, then everyone should know....To what end? One that only was between my ears... what I thought I needed, would never have come to pass, and I would have been just like you are now... tho a few years later I broke all contact with all my family...
I am so sorry , I totally understand the feelings you are having...but I had to find other ways ...
This will sound gory, but my T suggested I go to yard sales and buy up old stuffed animals... then get alone time and do WhatEver I wanted to them.... I 'killed' quite a few teddy bears during that time.. and the words... oh, the words I couldn't say out loud to him.. was finally given life and I said them all.... I stabbed and gutted and tore and swore until I was exhausted.... Until I was empty of what I had been holding in. Having no one to listen except my T.... and it was so cathartic for me.... not recommending this per se, just sharing what worked for me... I would do it all again to be free of that power he had over me.. memories,, no the memories are still there, they have little power today.... just pictures without feelings....And I still had work to do, of course, but the work was healing, not trying to figure out how to expose him... and in the end, he didn't have to answer to me anyway did he? But I had and still have to answer to myself...
If nothing else, I truly understand the feelings you are having.. Hope you find a way that is right for you to deal with your feelings.... sending you healing energy and prayers for peace.

 

[Sideways]

I'm struggling a lot with this at the moment. My dad abused me and my sister, but when it comes to my family, I've decided that for now, I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

I know that my dad isn't a risk to anyone, and I really value having a relationship with my mum, even though it's difficult at times. Not disclosing makes it difficult for me. Carrying it around silently is a b!tch. But I get to keep my mum, because she would side with him.

Thing is that when it comes to family, I think it would be difficult for me to disclose without them feeling the need to take sides. And I'm quite sure I'd end up being ostracised. Not necessarily because they wouldn't believe me (probably they wouldn't, but I'm just guessing), but because it would put them in the position where they side with me and my troubled life, or they side with the option of keeping their family unit intact, which can be an incredibly powerful force. I don't want my disclosure to have the effect of tearing my family apart. Dumping the silence would be great, but I'd personally feel like the repercussions would be worse - being doubted, being ostracised, being held responsible for causing an internal war or bitterness in the family. People don't like being put in the position of having to choose "me or her", and in my case, I'm quite sure that whoever I told would err on the side of protecuting the family unit that they love, believe in and rely on.

Add to that that your mum is a sociopath? If that's the case, it's likely that yes, she will initiate a "her or me" campaign and sociopaths tend to be incredibly effective at that.

That said, disclosure has to be a personal choice. If it's something you feel you need to do to heal, I completely understand that. I'm just wary of what the cost would be, and ultimately, whether it would cause more harm than good, not only to myself, but to the people I love.

I have a bias with family disclosure, and maybe it's just fear on my part. But once you've told people "this is who your grandmother/mother is", what do they do with that information? And is that going to be helpful for you in the long run? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only you can decide that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think that no matter what decision you make, be sure it's one that you can live with at the end of the day.

 

[Jemma]

I'm struggling a lot with this at the moment. My dad abused me and my sister, but when it comes...

Ragdoll, your reply has had me thinking for hours....questioning my true motivations, and what the outcome may be should I disclose. As I said, my mother has spent years discrediting me, telling people I'm crazy, including my own children. And if it wasn't for them, I would walk away forever. I haven't seen my mother for 2 years, and before that, only rarely. Her whole modus operandi is in controlling the environment so she'll look like the victim. She twists and distorts and rewrites history, projects blame, name calls, and shows absolutely no remorse. She uses and manipulates, lashes out all the while pretending to be grandmother / mother of the year.

My sister and I used to be very close. I miss her. She's completely closed off from her feelings and looks at life superficially, choosing not to "see" our mother as she is. Yet, I FEEL that she wants to be set free from her suffering. And she is suffering....living a half life cut off from her emotions. So that's part of my motivation...in the hopes that we can reconnect in a new way. My fear is she will respond coldly and clinically and not want to know, and it may only deepen the chasm between us. I really have nothing to lose by telling her because we haven't had a relationship in a long time.

The other motivation, my main one, is to explain how my mother has nearly destroyed my relationship with my children. And this is where the real concern is. If I tell her, she may make things worse, upping the ante. She and my other sister have been my mother's pawns in my demise. So it's possible it will make the wedge deeper. Do any of you have thoughts on this?

Trauma is a gift in a way. It forces a person to really look inward. It's isolating when you realize how much of the human race is completely unconscious and self-serving. But then you realize that there are other people who are truly kind and compassionate.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and insights.

 

[Jemma]

I think that no matter what decision you make, be sure it's one that you can live with at the end...

Eve......very good point.

 

[Sideways]

You're giving this a lot of thought, which is great, and appropriate. Even though you might feel 'ready', there is no rush...

With regards to your sister - it sounds as though your sister might need some support of her own? Is she in therapy? The reason I ask is that there's always 2 sides in disclosure: the person telling, and the person hearing. For your sister, hearing this, I'm concerned about her likely reaction. Stick with the family she knows, or side with you and expose herself to potentially a lot of trauma that she may not be in a space to hear. You're ready, but is she? I can hear your heartfelt concern for her, but we can't force our loved ones to seek help. Perhaps encouraging her to get help, support, a therapist, first? Otherwise, is she emotionally eauipped to deal with what you're tellling her? Just questions- I don't know.

Re your kids? I don't have kids, so I may not be the best sounding board for advice. They're older, and that's relevant. But it reminds me a bit of separating parents. Even if dad is a completely abusive arse and you want to protect your kids from that, sometimes it's better if they learn their own relationships with dad (or in this case, grandma) in their own time, rather than offloading your pain onto them...??

There's a lot of positive things to come from disclosure. Mostly for you and your healing process, and sometimes, to hell with the fallout, it's just plain necessary.

But if it not necessary, I always give a lot of thought to the position that I'm putting a person in before I disclose. People tend to take the path of least resistance (the family that they know, and the grandmother who is a very persuasive sociopath who keeps her minions under her control and on her side). They also need to know why you're telling them - what do you want them to do with the information? You need to be clear about whether you're okay with them continuing their relationship with grandma as per usual. Beyond that, we have no control over what people will do with the information once we give it to them...

Just thoughts. I don't know the answer. I'd recommend at least a couple of conversations with your T about it. And remember that there is no rush. If you decide not to disclose now, the option is always there if things change for you in the future.

 

[watundah]

I would look at the relationship you have with your sister and anticipate the reaction. You may want to leave this to rest rather than set yourself up for more hurt.

I went through a time where I wanted to question my sister because she's 10 years older and probably remembers a lot that I don't. Then I thought 1. It would be really upsetting to her and 2. I never receive the compassion and support from her that I need so dont go searching for yet more disappointment.

Basically she can confirm that our family dynamics were horrible but we each own our own experiences, including the healing path.

 

[Jemma]

Thank you all for your wonderful and wise insights. For the time being, I've decided not to disclose. I think it would severely destabilize my children, and my sister, I'm coming to realize, is probably a lost cause. I guess I had a moment of hope, believing that everyone can change if they choose. They can open their hearts to love and healing. But, it is a choice. You can't make people be who you want them to be or do what you think is right. I guess I can only live my own life in integrity and truth without expectations. Recently I suffered a head injury at work. I'm recovering, but I realized that my sisters and mother, who know about this, never once contacted me to see if I'm okay. So this clinched it for me. It's sad, and a loss, but it does get easier.
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Trauma is the gift that keeps on giving. It's hurled me into the pit of despair, and then it brought me to have more and more moments of awakening and transcendence. I can love them from afar, my family, but not close up. That's too dangerous.