Do Other People Daydream About Their Childhood Trauma?

[Kupo_Nut]

I am wondering if anyone who suffered trauma in their childhood ever daydreams about the situation (or the situation in a similar way)? This may seem odd but I had ever-recurring daydreams as a child, obsessively about the same subject and I only realised it was trauma related recently. Over and over again, especially before I slept I would daydream about people (or monsters in person form) hurting a young child, and then letting it resolve into them being fine and the monster/people being really nice.

I understand that this is a symptom for children, but it helped me sleep, for some reason. I even played with my toys in a similar fashion, holding them down and pretending to cut them up, before reassuring them. This seems like very sinister behaviour for a young child, but I still did it, never really thinking it to be too odd because it always soothed me. Has anyone else gone through anything similar? Should I be concerned for myself as a child?

I should note that my trauma was being diagnosed with diabetes aged 4 and the doctors/nurses did hold me down to do a lot of tests, some very painful and I thought they were trying to kill me, this is where it stemmed from.

 

[Chava]

Should I be concerned for myself as a child?

Hello Kupo, What do you mean by this? Do you experience it the same way you always have? It sounds like it's soothing in a way, and even if childish, I don't know if it's something I'd worry about just because it's odd. I think we all have quirks. I worry about the really maladaptive or destructive ones. Not sure if it relates but I sometimes wake up with headaches because I tip my head into a position of receiving O2 (maybe need a pillow that can change the position of my head since I'm probably giving myself a cervical headache). Sometimes in semi-dissociated panic states I'm also soothed by holding my hands over my face, adjusting my neck and jaw, and breathing as if through intubation. I have some abuse and assault but my earliest traumas were medical. Spent a long time in both NICU and PICU alone, hooked up to machines for a long time. It sounds messed up but I feel safer in emergency rooms than with my own family. Might be some trauma I kept repeating since I've somehow ended up in ER more times than I can count on two hands, but only once in the last year so I feel good about the therapy I've been doing.

I probably have more body memories of those times than anything. But when I was younger the scenes I remembered did play over and over...I still have a few come back that somewhat relate to my feelings of emptiness or non-existence...the most alone, or most scared moments. More recently some little bits of feeling like I'm suffocating from the inside when stressed or exhausted. It was a pretty other-worldy experience, I think the later complications feeding on the original trauma and getting me pretty stuck in a fuzzy place. I daydreamed a lot in general...not uncommon for kids. But I still have a habit of distracting myself and getting absorbed into some other place.

The memories you replay sound like they have some kind of adaptive purpose (and especially if they are "day-dream" like vs body memory or flashback like). ?? But whether bad, good, or other versions of memory or daydream, I think the repeating stuff can tell us what is not resolved, where we are stuck or frozen, or roughly how our earlier traumas damaged our sense of safety. Sometimes they can show us how we learned ways of coping that don't seem to make sense as adults. I seem to work through lots of weird stuff in nightmares. I was never violently abused (just this invasive hospital stuff, terrorized and hit or struck with objects sometimes, assaulted easily when super drunk or passed out)...but there is blood all over in my nightmares, lots of knives and people getting cut up, and I'm usually watching from the outside...current me watching a little girl I don't know, but a sort of representation of myself, get hurt. In the last bloody one, the adult me was in the dream and took this little girl to the ER for help. I'm taking care of my adult self in my waking life, but sort of relearning things I couldn't do before I suppose.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

Hi Chava, it seems like you have a good understanding of it, as it is a confusing thing and I think you're right, it is because I felt frozen in my experiences. In answer to your questions I don't experience it in the same way I used to, but often I do have a similar daydream but more structured and less often, it happens very randomly as if I 'feel' like it, it seems to create an illusion of immediate safety.

In PTSD terms, this is apparently a symptom in children but I have carried it through to adulthood in a way, whether unfortunately or not. I wanted to post something about this as I feel it could be a missed symptom in some people, as people may not think through their 'daydreams'. I certainly didn't realise that pretend torturing toys wasn't normal, I must make it clear that I am not a psychopath who 'got off' on harming things (I'd feel awful if it seemed that way), it was purely imaginary and I was always the victim in my thoughts, not the attacker. I am saying this in past tense because it was far more intense and repetitive when I was younger and I admittedly do try to get back into the thought pattern most nights, especially when I'm very scared, but it is an odd thing to describe as I would never admit to it to anyone on fear of them thinking I'm insane.

I think that you're right about it being about 'relearning' what you couldn't do before, your dreams have a definite similarity to my daydreams, except mine are in first person (I suppose because I'm consciously thinking them), it is always a young girl and she always gets looked after, then gets hurt by someone, then gets looked after again, this always represents me.

It's strange how this went on and still goes on, yet it's like my mind keeps wanting to go back to the trauma.

Sorry for the odd post, but I find it to be an interesting symptom for me and worth thinking about.

 

[Chava]

I'm not much of a daydreamer. But the part about playing out some trauma makes sense as a symptom for kids. I had a little phase of molesting a couple dolls (felt ashamed later about making a hole in a doll that wasn't even mine)...but unfortunately I don't think I found a good way to play out the medical trauma, so in some ways in just continued, as in I was half-alive for a very long time, stuck there (literally very sick because I couldn't take care of myself or became so self-destructive).

If you're able to imagine a resolution, that sounds cathartic or at least helpful. Sleeping can be hard, so good if you have a way to get there. I didn't get much reassurance in the few times I remember because it was more like "no, you're NOT okay, be still" and then it was lights out for a long time. It's been a slow, gradual process but I'm working some of that out in somatic-focused therapy and finding ways to self-soothe and know that I'm okay now.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

That sounds very tough, maybe I was fortunate to have found a self-reassuring outlet then. Although I feel that, deep down, I don't feel safe when that thought pattern arises, I'm just trying to tell myself I am, so the 'No, you're not okay' response you had makes sense to me as I sometimes do react like that, although I don't think I had anything like what you have been through.
Convincing myself that I am ok has been a very positive thing for me, though sometimes I feel completely knocked down, but it may be vital to remaining strong and to overcome some anxiety, I guess it is a more positive thing than I thought at first, so I won't try to beat it out of myself just yet, I did feel very odd when I took note of having these thoughts as a young adult.

Thank you Chava for helping me come to this realisation, any method to relieve stress at any situation that feels frightening is a good thing. I forgot just how heavily I relied on those childhood traumatic stress symptoms to get by every day, even though at the time I didn't know it. The somatic-focused therapy sounds like it might be beneficial, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Chava]

If you have a voice inside you that can reassure you, or imagery or a sort of scenario that resolves itself in a comforting way, I think that's good. And it helps not to question it too much unless it causes problems for you or others. I learned in therapy that holding a stuffed animal close to my chest is comforting. My adult brain wasn't going to allow that on my own, or even notice it as a possibility. But it physically does something soothing. Self-soothing or having ways of feeling reassured of safety is important for all of us. On a physiological level, it helps our body move out of sympathetic nervous system arousal...if we can't feel safe we are stuck in that hyper state and that makes stuff miserable (sleep included). I do like the somatic-focus for my stuff.

 

[Hope4Now]

Interesting thread, @Kupo_Nut. I put myself to sleep every night as a child and through adulthood with "daydreaming" in a way that I never realized until recently is a sort of self-soothing way to try to give myself what I need/ed through fantasy. In these, I was always younger and cuter and more loveable than the actual self who was doing the fantasizing. I was always terribly hurt by my parents, and someone would come and take me away and comfort and protect and love me. This is still the case...the "me" in the fantasy is not "me" now. Because the me now seems to think I don't deserve/will never get what I need, so it gets displaced onto a different version of me. Like you, I've always felt ashamed to admit any of this to anyone, except I've talked about it here on the Forum a bit.

Echoing @Chava's comment about these daydreams having an adaptive purpose and can give us information about stuff that's not resolved, I'm just beginning to realize that all the "me-s" of the fantasy are stuck parts from my growing up that need healing. In my fantasies, it has always been someone else providing the safety and comfort. I'm learning that I need to provide that myself for my child parts. I think this kind of healing is called "re-parenting" in some forms of therapy, and I'm terrible at it. Working on it...pretty unsuccessfully though. So, I keep fantasizing/daydreaming the same old way to calm myself.

 

[Kupo_Nut]

That sounds very similar to my experience, I am always younger and cuter in these imaginings too. I see what you mean about the safety factor needing to come from yourself, yet it can be so difficult to make yourself feel safe when there is always a lingering feeling of fear and insecurity. I now know it's because I didn't have the safe feeling when I was younger, that I want it so much now for myself back then and myself now, it's confusing but these things are never very straightforward, especially if they're ongoing.
Don't think you don't deserve that feeling you fantasise about because you do, everyone deserves to feel safe and loved and by accepting that you come closer to experiencing it. These daydreams may be reflecting our most basic wants out of life, I suppose it would be good to believe that there will be someone who will take the fear away and offer comfort and reassurance, maybe it's good to be hopeful of that one day.