Do You Catch Flack Over Self-care Or Time For Yourself?

[MT Johnny]

I want to get back to taking a little time in each day to work out - not only want to, but desperately need to. When I fell apart in 2012, one good thing came out of it, I was very overweight, eating a terrible diet, and it had been at least a decade since I had purposely exercised for its own sake. I turned that all around nicely and really got myself back on track.

Then I fell apart again emotiomally around early March due to a series of stressful and triggering life events - and I am doing all of tne wrong things - very rarely make it to the gym, stress-eating crap, gaining weight.

Right now I really am stretched thin in terms of time, almost all of my non-working hours revolve around being a primary caregiver for an ailing elderly relative.

I was so depressed for a coupe of months I wanted to try to get myself back on track but couldn't. Now I want to and actually have the energy just a bit, but many days like this morning it's another of a series of non-ending crises where I get a "come right now" call from the nursing home. So that is one problem, crises. Another is just plain time, get up at like 5 or 6 am to go before work, then spend all evening there too, crash into bed late, then lather rinse repeat.

But the worst thing is other family members who complain or criticize but don't help - and have no understanding of why self-care is important because they don't do it for themselves

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Will the world end if you don't spend every morning and every evening at the nursing home? I don't think so. I'm guessing that you have relatives who don't want to step up and visit, but at the same time, I think the greater problem is that you can't stand up for yourself and take time to care for yourself. I think you're blaming other people when a big part of the issue is that you feel obligated to be at the nursing home during all of your free time. I'm not trying to sound callous, as I know what its like to have someone in a nursing home who needs constant care and such, with serious medical issues. If this person is in the nursing home for the next 5...10....or more years, will you continue to feel obligated to visit every day, twice a day? You have to draw the line somewhere. The nursing home staff is there to take some of the burden off of you. Its your responsibility to take care of yourself as well and I don't think its fair of you to blame your own lack of self care on other people.

 

[ihateusernames]

Yeah, I do feel like everybody's mad when I try to take care of myself, but this:

I think the greater problem is that you can't stand up for yourself and take time to care for yourself. I think you're blaming other people when a big part of the issue is that you feel obligated

is usually the real problem. It's not other people imposing on me. Really, it's my own catastrophizing a scenario in which I do take time for me.

 

[joeylittle]

many days like this morning it's another of a series of non-ending crises where I get a "come right now" call from the nursing home.

I get how easy it is to take on things in such a way that you then feel like no-one else can help, or will help. Boundary-time!

Try scheduling your 'me-time' and endow it with equal importance. It is just as important as work, just as important as the relative, just as important as anything that you would consider a "must-do". In terms of the nursing home, ask the staff to put a clear note on your chart that from 7am-9am (or whatever) mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, you will be unreachable. Give them the name and number of an alternate family member. Explain to your relative that you won't be reachable during those times, but that the nurses know about it, and if there's an emergency, they know what to do.

I fly a great deal for work. So I can always get my mind to equate things with air-time. If I pretend there is still not such a thing as wi-fi on planes, then those two or three or four or seven hours - whatever - are a time when I am literally unreachable. And I've been unreachable during things I'd call crises. And it's been OK.

Even if all you do in your me-time is put your phone on airplane mode, and take a bath. It's your time for you. Schedule it an do it. If it's helpful instead of pressure-ful to name it 'exercise time', that's cool too. As soon as you start doing it, you will see that actually nothing can interrupt it - because you aren't permitting interruption.

 

[Friday]

But the worst thing is other family members who complain or criticize but don't help - and have no understanding of why self-care is important because they don't do it for themselves

Why should they help?

This is honestly something that is baffling to me. We're grown ups. (Most of us, anyway, awesome forum-teens have a whole nother layer of difficulty). We're responsible for ourselves.

Is help awesome? Sure. But no one is obligated to do so. The expectation that absolutely anyone "should" be helping us, or that our not doing something is because someone else isn't doing something for us, is something I really don't understand.

 

[Nam]

If it's important to you, you make time.

I remember someone dear to me saying this to me and I rolled my eyes at them. I'm freaking busy! I am the caretaker of little humans, no way am I going to put my kids second in line to my needs.

Yeah...well, I found out quickly enough that I was putting my kids second all the time if I didn't get my act together. You do need to take care of yourself if you are to take care of others.

I make time for my work out for 1.5 hours three times a week. No ifs and buts. I also make time to paint which seems so...selfish. But it's what I do. It's work.

Sometimes we cling on to our excuses so we can continue to feel miserable. Change is hard. It's not just the schedule change, but it's also a mindset change. Your priority list needs rearranging and that takes serious effort. You also sound a little like a martyr. And that's no way to live.

 

[The Albatross]

Carving out time for yourself when you're providing care for an elderly person is essential. In our agency news letter every month there is a section about that. I'm with JoeyLittle... boundary time and perhaps initiating assistance by way of another family member to come and do care a couple to a few times a week for 4-6 hours... OR looking into any elder services that could provide a volunteer?

 

[ms spock]

Total sympathy and compassion for finding it hard to let go. I am involved in elder care - and I am not finding it possible to let go, despite what I write on this forum.

Right now I really am stretched thin in terms of time, almost all of my non-working hours revolve around being a primary caregiver for an ailing elderly relative.

What emergencies does the nursing home ring you about both in the morning and in the night? I am confused by this. There is no emergency that the nursing home can't deal with - that is their job - they are paid professionals who are more than able to deal with it.

You could also "go on holidays for two weeks or four weeks" and not answer your phone to the nursing home during that time. That way your ailing elderly relative can get used to you not being their morning and night - that is an unsustainable for anyone whilst working. That is what we have done my partner has "gone to China on business for four weeks" so his father is in respite care. The nursing home staff - they can look after them for us you know.

I have little ability to deal with complaining and criticising relatives or family members. Good luck with that. Boundaries suggested by the others sounds good.