yes, I get angry and make it clear that I am angry by the tone and volume of my voice. Is that abuse? maybe......maybe not.
fences and warning signs are an act of kindness, an effort to help someone avoid danger
I honestly try to talk things out, every time. EVERY TIME.
if it fails, I may resort to anger and warnings, and if that fails, is it abuse if what I warned about happens?
I have a 3 stage approach to all interpersonal problems.
1, we talk about it and make a plan to avoid the problem, be it big or small, easy or hard, a solution is agreed upon or we agree there is no solution and we are done.
2, the problem reappears, now we talk about 2 problems, the reoccurring problem and the broken agreement. And we talk about how this is the last time there will be talking and working on solutions, because......I will solve it by myself the next time it happens.
3, if the problem happens again, I make the decision that the problem is going to probably continue to occur and I am done with the person causing the problem. Or, if I can't just walk away because it is my wife or child, I make it clear that they have just crossed a line and life is going to be different on the other side. If they get tired of not being trusted, they can approach me with a good argument that we can start over at stage 1 and I will do that because they are family, but until then, they are not trusted or treated as an equal.
In a nutshell, it is the story of the small dog. (this isn't anything but a metaphor, I love dogs and have never hurt one on purpose)
A small dog bites your ankle. What do you do? You say "nice doggy, lets try to get along, OK?"
The dog bites again. You look around and say "Is this your dog?" And if no one comes running you say "Hey little guy, lets try a new approach here, what do you think, can we be friends?"
If bitten again, you get loud and threatening and try to scare the little fella enough that it will understand and stop doing the thing that is bringing it ever closer to a dangerous encounter with a person willing and able to do what is necessary to stop the problem.
Then, and only then, if the dog bites you again you can step on it and break its neck and kick it into traffic.
Yes, sometimes my actions could be called abuse. But I tried, I tried real hard to avoid it. I put up a sign and built a fence first. I looked around for help, I took a few bites for the team. Then I got angry and everyone knew it.
Abuse? maybe..... maybe not.
fences and warning signs are an act of kindness, an effort to help someone avoid danger
I honestly try to talk things out, every time. EVERY TIME.
if it fails, I may resort to anger and warnings, and if that fails, is it abuse if what I warned about happens?
I have a 3 stage approach to all interpersonal problems.
1, we talk about it and make a plan to avoid the problem, be it big or small, easy or hard, a solution is agreed upon or we agree there is no solution and we are done.
2, the problem reappears, now we talk about 2 problems, the reoccurring problem and the broken agreement. And we talk about how this is the last time there will be talking and working on solutions, because......I will solve it by myself the next time it happens.
3, if the problem happens again, I make the decision that the problem is going to probably continue to occur and I am done with the person causing the problem. Or, if I can't just walk away because it is my wife or child, I make it clear that they have just crossed a line and life is going to be different on the other side. If they get tired of not being trusted, they can approach me with a good argument that we can start over at stage 1 and I will do that because they are family, but until then, they are not trusted or treated as an equal.
In a nutshell, it is the story of the small dog. (this isn't anything but a metaphor, I love dogs and have never hurt one on purpose)
A small dog bites your ankle. What do you do? You say "nice doggy, lets try to get along, OK?"
The dog bites again. You look around and say "Is this your dog?" And if no one comes running you say "Hey little guy, lets try a new approach here, what do you think, can we be friends?"
If bitten again, you get loud and threatening and try to scare the little fella enough that it will understand and stop doing the thing that is bringing it ever closer to a dangerous encounter with a person willing and able to do what is necessary to stop the problem.
Then, and only then, if the dog bites you again you can step on it and break its neck and kick it into traffic.
Yes, sometimes my actions could be called abuse. But I tried, I tried real hard to avoid it. I put up a sign and built a fence first. I looked around for help, I took a few bites for the team. Then I got angry and everyone knew it.
Abuse? maybe..... maybe not.
