Do You Ever Feel That Your Feelings Are Invalid?

[Sethe]

Do You Ever Feel That Your Feelings Are Invalid?

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When I grew up I was told all the time, that my feelings were crazy.

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Oh, Sterre, you're not alone. I heard quite often (whenever I had feelings that my mother didn't like) that I was 'just like my father' or just like his 'sick family.' My feelings were not validated either. I learned that my feelings were 'bad.'

I also learned that I was 'making something out of nothing' a whole lot.

I think a lot of us have felt (and unfortunately continue to feel) invalidated by family, etc.

 

[Heather]

Yes, Yes, I do

Every time I talk to my mother. Maybe I should get some duct tape and attach it to her mouth!

Then I wouldn't have to listen to her bullsh*t anymore. That would pretty much solve the problem wouldn't it?!

Sounds good to me. Problem solved.

 

[intothelight]

I always feel that my feelings are invalid, and I am the one who invalidates them the most. In the past it was others, but now I am carrying their torch.

There are so many times the validation I receive here helps me to navigate through what I really should feel, especially when I am unsure.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

All the time....I do it to myself! Something I am really trying to work on.

 

[Brontie]

Never. Acknowledging your feeling, not matter how painful, makes life easier. Not all at once, it takes time and it is all a part of accepting ourselves. Eventually we begin to feel more and more comfortable in our own skin. We are never as bad off as we think we are. If you want to change something then change how you think about it. Often it’s not the event that caused the trauma that continues to hurt us so much, often it’s how we think of the event.

 

[Grace11]

I am kind of amazed at the number of us that think we are not worthy of feeling the damage and seeking help. My first post was one of questioning my credentials.

This thread is years old and it looks like it has been a common trait among us that goes back a ways too.

I agree and yet, also feel I don't deserve to feel what I feel. Definitely invalidated by many people, but probably mostly by myself.

 

[Philippa]

Here is their page on emotional abuse...I am curious if other people here would say they have also been emotionally abused at any point in their lives. I suspect it makes us more vulnerable to PTSD, but Im just guessing.

Anyhow, now I try to really listen to my feelings. I am a big believer now that they are important.

I definately relate to what you are saying here. I have experienced lots of emotional invalidation and abuse from my family and people in general. It's a world wide epidemic that many people are becoming more aware of. I learnt in my late teens how to start validating my feelings, and that they are valid and important regardless of what messages people try to tell me.

I still revert back to bottling emotions as a habit, and possibly a survival mechanism(?), but I do spend time most days feeling into my feelings. I don't usually self-medicate...(sometimes I do), and have been committed to expressing my feelings for about 15 years now, sometimes reverting, but mostly being on track. I'm quite proud of myself for this and consider it a huge achievement, even if no one else really sees or acknowledges it.

The more I come to this forum, the more I see , through other peoples posts that I really am not making it up, and I never was. I tried, like many people here, to minimize it and thought the psychologist was crazy fro diagnosing me with this thing, when I hadn't been in a war...and it wasn't that bad...but it's not true. I have lived with ptsd for 15 years now as well as clinical depression...and my parents still have no idea what happened and wrote it all off in one day as being my fault for going with the guy in the first place...as though that resolved everything. They've only just acknowledged that it was really that bad...so they minimized it as well as me doing it to myself. I knew I was going through a lot...I was going through hell, but I still wouldn't let myself accept that I had this disorder...but I did, and I still do. I'm not sure it's something that ever really goes away. It's always there, and the more I have grieved things in the past, the more it tends to open up other wounds as well, that were happily mending.

For me, it really depends who I am around as to whether I feel safe expressing what I am feeling. Definately not safe around my family. I have two girlfriends who have experienced depression and ptsd, so I know it is safe to talk about feelings and be open with them, thankfully. Otherwise I just journal...which has been my habit for 15 years now, as well as art therapy that I taught myself.

One good thing that came from all of this is that I discovered my own creativity and have become quite a talented artist without any formal teaching. I think that is quite common with many people who live with depression and ptsd though.

 

[The Albatross]

Count me in the ranks here too.

Yes I think my abusive family of origin and first marriage set me up to be more vulnerable to PTSD.

Like Philippa above, I've struggled along and tried to wrap my head around this for almost all of my adult life. It was as if predators (sp) could see a flashing neon sign on my forehead... and it was directly linked to my sense of inadequacy and fear based thinking. It was the one trauma I couldn't see coming that tipped me over to PTSD I couldn't cope with. Hopefully I can do that here and with mentorship.

I can relate too about validating my own feelings and thoughts as a teen, and standing my ground amid the chaos, violence, and abuse. If not me then who? (was my mantra). The general sense of unworthiness creeps in and I have to consciously make an effort to beat it back daily.

My adult self now knows, that the fight/flee/freeze response I have is a survival mechanism that is hair triggered. I have to work through the stuff I've avoided and come to some adult/self parenting new perspectives to bust through this to the other side. A way of self acceptance, and making peace with myself for the guilt I have been carrying for the predators who got me.

 

[Philippa]

I get the same thing with the unworthiness creeping in, and have to consciously work on that when it happens too. I usually get a clear indication that it's happening, if not from feeling unworthy, but usually when I find myself in a relationship with a guy who is treating me like shit, just like my father did! Those damn patterns that keep us held back...I really resent them sometimes, and I get this desperate feeling of just wanting to rip them out of me, damn looping tapes in my head causing so much wasting of my life and moments...I hate it!

 

[The Albatross]

Oh I hear you loud and clear. My first marriage was a man as bad and ultimately worse than my father. My second was a passive aggressive product of alcoholic neglect... imagine my surprise when the man I married was like my mother. Damn looping tapes indeed... but I'm in this one for the duration, my husband, like my mother, do actually aspire to be well and better. Tough nut to crack to be sure... but it's the devil that I know and am uniquely suited to best.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I understand the whole 'better the devil you know' way of thinking. It's great that you have someone who is willing to work on his stuff Albatross.

I think being realistic in your thinking is important. I don't expect to ever find someone who has been untouched by abuse in this world, since it seems we all have been to some degree, but I do want someone who is honest enough to admit to their issues and who is willing to work on it consciously and not act out their abuse on me or anyone else.

I know that I have the potential in me to be abusive, and anyone who has experienced abuse can become like their abuser, and often do without wanting to be that way, so, it's very important that I am with someone with integrity and commitment to healing and not inflicting their past on me or any possible children in the future.

 

[The Albatross]

While I can not say I didn't trip the switch and become abusive, I can say that I was uniquely made to break the cycle of abuse because I was never able to bear children.

I found comfort, rather than despair in the Scripture that says something like, "unto the third and fourth generations...". I am the fourth generation of a cycle of women in my maternal family who chose abusive and violent husbands. Unable to bear children, I saw/see as the the answer to a prayer when I begged God to "let it end with me".

It will end with me. I will not pass this to a child because I cannot have children. Rather than self pity, I choose to believe that God answered my most fervent prayer. I am fortunate in that my husband, tends to agree... though we are in conflict at times, he is the product of neglect in an alcoholic home, we partner each other and are joined in mutual suffering.