Time of crisis ... Alone again ...
On Thursday I became violently ill at work and taken out by ambulance to the hospital. Since reprimanded before, I let them contact my daughter (22) before she gave me grief afterward. Last year the school nurse and I had gone through this before and it was a zoo. I live alone and really have no one. Since I had been identifying with the thread of not asking for help when I should, I again stepped back and let the actions fall into place. I really was so sick and helpless at that point I really didn't care what outcomes occurred I just wanted to curl up and zone out and let them all do what they needed to do to get me functional again.
I waited at the hospital sleeping on morphine and having severe boughts of illness, waited for her arrival, worried I worried her. She never came. My colleague came to check in, more for an explaination and assurance, but my daughter never came. I got myself home late at night and crashed. Couldn't even fill my prescriptions or even move the next morning to get them filled. Still recovering from the ordeal both emotionally and physically. I was devastated in every way.
On cue, my daughter called at 8:30 am to reprimand me for not returning her calls. 7 to the hospital. I had no phone, could not use my cell, and was sleeping off the morphine. Next morning, I should have called her at 11 pm the night before and by my tone was I being angry at her because I had no right. She again called me at 4 in the afternoon yesterday to restate why I was wrong and she was right and under no uncertian terms was I to do what I wanted today. Take care of myself. BECAUSE, that is when she could schedule in a visit to check on me. SCREW HER. I'm out of here.
Doesn't it figure everytime we do reach out - SLAM! I give up. We are safer alone rather than raising our expectations that someone will care. I am totally screwed over right now and dopey but why does it always have to turn out this way? It doesn't make sense.
I'm hurting so bad.
