Do You Find It Strangely Easy To Lie?

[Sandra]

It's so easy to try and run and hide from issues. Admitting it is the first step.

 

[amethist]

My husband does not lie very often, though he does try occasionally.

The reason being like he and others on here have said, "You have to have a very good memory to be a good liar. So if you have a bad memory, tell the truth from the beginning, that way you will always give the same answer".

Because of this he has been caught on some daft stuff, when there really was no need. He just wanted to make it look better than it was.

 

[Saphy]

It's hard when we are taught that safety can be found only in lying, because that's a lesson that's burned so deep into our brains that maybe it never goes away.

When the trauma I was going through surfaced, my parents immediately took me to a far away hotel and in a dark, dark room constructed stories and lies that I would tell to avoid any legal issues. Even though I was the victim. I didn't have to lie. But it was definitely burned if not engraved deeply into my brain. I recently did a report on Antisocial Behavior and I felt like an idiot reading some of those symptoms and recognizing some as my own. For example, deception, repetitive lying, aliases, being indifferent, "incapacity to maintain enduring relationships," etc. I thought to myself, wow this PTSD thing really has gone too far.

I thought it'd stop at a little bit of ADD, a little bit of OCD... but then Antisocial tendencies were also being brought forth? I felt like a basket case really. As if somewhere, somehow I had taken this whole abuse situation TOO far and messed myself up. I took the blame. And because I took the blame, I felt this inexplicable urge to lie. I became pretty good at it and it made me sick to my stomach. I normally am a brutally honest person when it comes to others, but when it comes to talking about myself or my feelings I smother the facts with lies.

So to answer the general thread, I do find it easy to lie. I find it easier to lie about myself than to lie about others because I'm more comfortable with hurting myself more than others.

On a side note though, sometimes I say to myself, I'm glad I went through what I did so that some other person in that time frame didn't have to. Who knows if they would've been able to survive like I am? It hurts to know unspeakable things happened to me, but I don't mind lying to myself and thinking that I did a good deed for humanity by sacrificing myself. There's clearly an evident flaw in my coping mechanisms/rationales since I can't bear to look at myself as a victim without feeling repulsed by pity. And unfortunately, I do think PTSD has played a strong role in shaping the way I think.

 

[Teller]

Sappy, the last paragraph stings me. Quite true of me as well, quite true.

And for everyone here who finds themselves to be incredible deceivers, there is a sliver of consolation. Children (and adults) who learn to lie, and lie convincingly at an early age, are usually more intelligent than their honest counterparts. Lying shows that you have a capacity to see alternatives to reality and can adapt logical causal chains. This ability leads to many good things, like: being able to fully understand consequences, find suitable solutions to future problems, know all sides of an issue, be skeptical of weak truth claims or find what does not make sense, being skeptical of potentially bad people, etc. Etc. And how good can you actually be unless you also know how much evil you are capable of, and choose to do good anyway?

Obviously, there are many bad things about lying and moral objections to, but the ability to lie is a mental achievement whether or not it is acted upon. It is a defense mechanism you developed for a reason. In PTSD cases, lying chronically is not stemming from a vicious and selfish part of you, it comes from as a survival vantage to help you start to be able to think in ways other than being some kind of mindless, helpless, animal. Lying imposed upon you is a sad thing. I look to it as a lesson my abusers never internalized fully themselves. Meaning, they only saw what they were "teaching me" as a tool I could use to keep them out of jail. What they could not see was they were also giving a structure of thought process and teaching me a valuable mental exercise I could further develop to use to get out of their grasp safely someday. Give me a skeleton to put in my closet and I will put meat on those bones and have coming out party.

Now, I could be lying about all this, so evaluate for yourselves. But I think even if you are like me and lie to yourself and loved one's, it's not your fault. I assume you are not self-aggrandizing, arrogant pigs. I assume you are all fine people who have also had troubles, and all this PTSD stuff is hard, what else are we to do when we are all ready so vulnerable? Make ourselves completely vulnerable and helpless with brazen honesty about everything to everyone? I am already raw and unprotected. Lying, for now, in some semblance of moderation, helps me have some power and control over myself and how I am treated, and that is all I can do to get by for now. And I am not ashamed to say so. Slowly, in my terms (unlike past events), I try to be more honest and open to myself and others. But for now, I am doing fine if anyone asks.

 

[Teller]

*Saphy.

 

[Sandra]

My sister was really bad for lying when we were kids. She knew she was one of my so called mother's faviourites. So she knew if she blamed me I would be the one who got the punishment and not her. Even if my so called mother knew she did it, I still got the blame and punishment for it since she was a favourite. Nice sister.....NOT

 

[Saphy]

But for now, I am doing fine if anyone asks.

I definitely agree... it really is a survival tactic. I really didn't think of it that way but my senses are always so engaged in staying clear of troubles and trying to avoid certain triggers that it really is draining my energy. At the end of the day, all I can do is collapse. I say to myself, "God you didn't do ANYTHING today, what the hell..." But in reality, I've been noticing it more and more... When I get out of bed and decide to face the world, I really have done something. Other people possibly dont face that fear of reality. And I never knew how terrifying it could be until now. Nowadays, I just stay in bed and don't move for long stretches of time... When I fall asleep it's for 26-30 hrs at a time. Clearly a sign of depression. But at the same time, I'm staying up for days with little to no sleep at all. I have no idea why I'm doing this but I do know that I lie about it all the time to my friends. They ask me, "hey you look really tired! why don't you go to bed?" and instead of saying, "I'm afraid that every time I close my eyes, I'll see my hellish past..."

I just say, "Oh I'm just not tired. I'll fall asleep later, no biggie. I think I can make it to 3am today."
Again... like Teller said: I'm doing just fine.

 

[gigi2690]

I definitely agree... it really is a survival tactic. I really didn't think of it that way but my senses are always so engaged in staying clear of troubles and trying to avoid certain triggers that it really is draining my energy. At the end of the day, all I can do is collapse. I say to myself, "God you didn't do ANYTHING today, what the hell..." But in reality, I've been noticing it more and more... When I get out of bed and decide to face the world, I really have done something. Other people possibly dont face that fear of reality. And I never knew how terrifying it could be until now. Nowadays, I just stay in bed and don't move for long stretches of time... When I fall asleep it's for 26-30 hrs at a time. Clearly a sign of depression. But at the same time, I'm staying up for days with little to no sleep at all. I have no idea why I'm doing this but I do know that I lie about it all the time to my friends. They ask me, "hey you look really tired! why don't you go to bed?" and instead of saying, "I'm afraid that every time I close my eyes, I'll see my hellish past..."

I just say, "Oh I'm just not tired. I'll fall asleep later, no biggie. I think I can make it to 3am today."
Again... like Teller said: I'm doing just fine.

I find such comfort in this. Thank you for sharing it. I'm on medical leave from college right now and every perfectionist bone in my body aches with guilt over "not doing anything." But I've been slowly doing a lot of things, like finally telling the truth, facing demons, etc, and I need to change my priorities. I do fear reality; so much of it can hurt me, not just in a violent way, but by inadvertently triggering me and causing a 2 day migraine.

And I am definitely with you on the no sleep. I was even prescribed sleeping pills,and I still wake up most nights unable to go back to sleep.
gigi

 

[Saphy]

I find such comfort in this. Thank you for sharing it. I'm on medical leave from college right now and every perfectionist bone in my body aches with guilt over "not doing anything." ... I was even prescribed sleeping pills,and I still wake up most nights unable to go back to sleep.
gigi

Omigosh, same here! (I totally know that isn't proper grammer but it is my conversational way of speech --> sorry!)
I am that typical overachiever also. I try so hard to distract myself from my past by pushing on a heavy load of academics. It worked for a while and then crash and burned. Uhm... yeah that's where I am right now...the crashing and burning part. I definitely feel that guilt that you're talking about. It's so difficult to go to a college full of competitive individuals and think that even though I have PTSD I have a chance. Problem is that when you step into your classroom and see all that material and study with people and etc. etc... You DO feel normal. But then the minute you're alone your fears resurface and that time you COULD HAVE spent studying, you spent crying in a corner or under your desk. Not only are you scared of your past, you start to associate failure with your past. And I made that error. It's dreadful really. I got a 53% and 57% on my most recent two exams... and my god... I was torn. I mean I didn't fail but it reminded me of how I used to fail at my classes after the traumatic incidents back in high school. Then when I was crying hysterically on a hotline, I realized. My flashbacks had become more clever and started to effect me longer and more subtly. Usually I would disassociate from my world and retreat to the past. Nowadays, I think I'm in reality but really I'm stuck in the past looking at the world through filtered lenses. The only thing I can see through my filtered lenses are the things I fear. PTSD gives you inexplicable phobias and anxieties that are so hard to handle in everyday life and college is hard as it is. I contemplated taking a year off but I wouldn't have my parents support either way so I feel I should keep on going... even if I drive myself into the ground. As far as sleeping pills, when I took them last year I'd fall asleep in 15-30 minutes... Nowadays I feel like I haven't even taken them and I can't fall asleep until 7am. I just lie there in bed afraid to close my eyes. Because I don't want to let my mind have that much control. I'm really glad that I could find someone on here who feels this way and has a conflict with PTSD vs. perfectionism. I really respect your decision to take medical leave, that takes so much courage that I wish I had. I really hope I will make an appropriate decision like that soon and take a step closer to my recovery.

Best Wishes... (:

 

[Sazza]

Right there with you all on being survival tactic never quite seen it that way before. I think for those of who that it is an issue for that it isn't intentional. In life people lie for different reasons some are compulsive liars, some lie to fabricate things or to make themselves look good. For alot of us i imagine its about surivival and about not making ourselves even more vulnerable by laying are demons out in the open. For me i struggle to be open and hold stuff back so not being open could be viewed as lying not giving people the full picture, someone recently said to me its not suprorising you don't trust people you have been hurt and have to take it slow in what you let out. I think this is somewhat true i don't like lies and i don't want to be a liar. Sometimes though protecting people from the hurt i am experiencing feels more right that being totally honest. I am not saying this is right and i always prefer people to be fully honest with me despite how much it hurts. Guess i am trying to say sometimes when people do lie it isn't intentional, maybe they don't know how to explain or say how they really feel or maybe they are protecting themselves from more hurt and actually lying to themselves rather than to others as part of their own avoidance.

I think being honest can make those vulnerable sometimes even more so. I feel i was the subject of recent incidents because the person involved knew i was vulnerable and wouldn't speak up, so i have gone from being vulnerable anyway to even more vulnerable. So forgive me if from time to time i may lie to prevent others seeing he vulnerable real me or to give myself an easier time on a personal level of those closest not knowing to avoid the fuss and attention that knowing everything would create.

Just to add i to have shocking memory lately and lying can actually be alot harder than being truthful.

 

[Teller]

Wow. Perhaps off-topic but reading these posts made me feel...empathy? The immediate feeling of empathy can be so rare to me. I usually have to think about appropriate emotional responses and to what degree I should try to feel them (and when/if I can). Choosing to be empathetic in attitude/action and feeling empathy are two different things for me. So this is all good to process and read, me thinks. Thank you all.

 

[Anna]

I guess I wonder. Is this ease in which I lie common to PTSD or is it because I had to lie to my abuser so often to keep her pacified? Is it specific to my abuse, or something many experience? And if it's felt by many, does it get easier?

I think it is the emotional numbing that does it. Also it is a form of protection.

"Are you ok?" "How are you?"

Answer "Fine thanks and you?"

Above is an example of a lie that happens every day.