Relationship Do You Find Your Partner Can Become Suspicious Of You?

[boodle]

After 7 months I finished with my partner this week when in a verbal tirade she questioned I had not been honest about my business and finances.

She said one of her friends had been making enquiries about me and could not find any details of me at my home address. I also work from home and she said there was no details of my business there either. I was horrified that she had so much suspicion but didn't talk about it to me. She went behind my back and in effect spied on me. I'm also concerned this may have been coming from her friend who I feel is manipulating her.

My (now ex) wouldn't see me or talk to me so I had no way of counteracting her accusation. It had crossed a boundary of trust. It had gone so far I had no choice but to end our relationship.

I did contact her once more, I emailed her my documentation to prove my business and home details. She replied within 10 minutes that she was sorry she questioned my business and finances. I did not reply, there has been no contact since.

Has anyone else experienced such suspicion? Do you feel it is linked to ptsd or something else?

 

[Fadeaway]

Depending on our histories we can definitely have trust issues. I feel pretty confident my supporter would never do anything behind my back. I do think it is good practice to research someone before entering a relationship, especially if you haven't known them long. I think there is a huge difference between looking up something that is public knowledge and reading someones personal emails.

I know you feel like it was spying, but if she was just googling your business on line versus going through financial records without your knowledge, I think it was fair game. Sure, she should have asked you, but she might have been afraid of your reaction.

 

[boodle]

For some reason I can't edit the original post. I wanted to add that over the last couple of months she had been vilifying me more and more. Making me out to be some kind of monster despite my patience and support and allowing her the space she needs.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to second what @Fadeaway said. I hope you get a bunch of replies from other supporters, because maybe they see this differently.

I've been lied to by some truly amazing liars. My ex-husband, I couldn't tell if he was lying or telling the truth without independent confirmation of the facts. The deeper my involvement with someone, the more carefully I fact check. I can see where someone might be upset by that, but my experience suggests the people who are bothered by it the most are probably hiding something. And, if they aren't, and my lack of blind trust is a problem for them, it will be an ongoing one and maybe that means the relationship won't work anyway.

But, I'm going to be really interested too see how 'normal people' respond to this.

 

[boodle]

Depending on our histories we can definitely have trust issues. I feel pretty confident my supporter w...

Thank you for your reply @Fadeaway. In fairness she did text me saying she was concerned about my business and finances. I suggested we spoke about it on the phone so I could reassure her, but she would not speak to me on the phone (a symptom of when she is going into shut out). Then the tirade of abusive texts came in.

 

[boodle]

Thank-you @scout86. I appreciate your reply. I think maybe I am too naive and take people at face value. I can say I never researched my ex, I didn't feel the need too. I have been lied to in the past and hurt badly by it, I put it down to experience but tried not to tarnish future relationships with it. I like look for the best in people first, maybe to my detriment.

I practice nonviolent communication, I have always tried to react calmly and rationally, even to the worst verbal tirades.

I think for me, to be accused of something without grounds after 7 months, and without being given an opportunity to discuss it, shows a fundamental lack of trust and respect in a relationship. I have no concerns about anything being found to the negative, because the isn't anything to find, however I do feel sad that I believed everything was ok when there was suspicion.

The other thing is that when she is going into shut out, she does say things that are so outrageouslay untrue and bizarre. I just put it down to the process of shutting out.

 

[boodle]

I suppose what I wanted to say is that I hoped this was just one of those shutting out tirades which are full of bizarre and untrue statements, rather than a fundamental mistrust of me.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes.

My SO/ex-SO got in touch yesterday after a week of silence, basically to check if I had forgotten her and was happy, she was basically looking to confirm what must have been swirling in her head that I had left her, gotten fed up and moved on to be happy. She's always worried about my being unfaithful, but when she's stable she realises its her paranoia due to past relationships and understands its completely irrational and unjustified. I think she's very suspicious right now that the silence I gave her to give her space was me just saying sod this and moving on to "greener pastures".

Perhaps believing these things in a way helps the sufferer? I can't obviously say that with certainty, but maybe it in a sad perverse way makes things easier for them to believe you're just a liar, cheat etc because then you're so much easier to hate. You're bad, they're safer without you etc. Projecting that onto you would reduce the guilt of cutting you out.

 

[scout86]

Perhaps believing these things in a way helps the sufferer?

I don't think it actually 'helps', as it sometimes blows up otherwise perfectly good relationships and hurts people in the process. But......

My T tells me that all this stuff was, at some point, 'adaptive'. In other words, your brain doesn't set out with the intent of destroying you, it sets out with the intent to keep you 'safe'. It just doesn't always do a very good job of sorting out what's safe and what isn't. And it tends to error on the side of caution, because that has a huge amount of survival value.

The other thing is that when she is going into shut out, she does say things that are so outrageouslay untrue and bizarre. I just put it down to the process of shutting out.

It would be really good if she could come up with better ways to handle that, wouldn't it? Because throwing a lot of bad stuff at you, if you don't deserve it, isn't fair. Have the two of you ever explored what it is that leads her to use that approach? She well might actually believe it, at the time. But what you're experiencing is only what's going on on the surface. It would probably help both of you to explore what's going on in her head, and the reasons for it, some time when she's in a good place.

This comes off looking like 'paranoia'. Someone mentioned in another thread that maybe it's really a form of hypervigilance. I think that's probably more accurate. Probably doesn't change the experience from the supporter point of view.

but maybe it in a sad perverse way makes things easier for them to believe you're just a liar, cheat etc because then you're so much easier to hate. You're bad, they're safer without you etc. Projecting that onto you would reduce the Guilt of cutting you out.

I'm not going to say, for sure, that this is the same for everyone. Personally, it's got nothing to do with making anything easier, it's totally got to do with safety and survival. Relationships are kind of a tricky balancing act. There's a huge danger in trusting someone, but there's a huge temptation to do it too. And the consequences for making a mistake seem huge. Sometimes they really ARE huge. There's a lot of stories on here about truly horrific relationships. If a relationship is bad enough that you get PTSD, or if you're looking at it through the filter of PTSD, no matter who you got it, then you tend to think the worst because you have a pretty good idea (or think you do) of what the consequences of 'the worst' can be. PTSD really and truly changes the way you perceive things. I notice stuff a lot of people don't notice. I react to a lot of stuff many people don't react to. People who seem to be oblivious to their surroundings make me a bit nervous. Because I don't understand how you can go through life without some kind of situational awareness. It really and truly is a different way of experiencing reality. And that, legitimately, makes things like relationships hard.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Thanks for the reply scout, I'm always quite careful to not declare any theories I have as fact. I guess by help, I mean in the sense that "removing stressors", whatever they may be could have a short term relief, even if perhaps the long term ramifications of doing so aren't necessarily productive. More of a short term benefit at the cost of a long term one.

I have to admit, understanding how it all works and the processes is still very tricky to me, all I can really do is think about how my OCD affects me and try to understand as best I can, although the two are not the same thing.

Adapting to how my SO/ex-SO (it's pretty unclear tbh) perceives things is very difficult I must admit, because obviously you go into discussions under a set of rules you're not really aware of. I describe it as playing a game of football (soccer) only now offsides are legal, fouls aren't punished and you can pick the ball up, but I'm still playing by the well known and established rules, not quite understanding the new rules because they've never been explain to me, but the other players are getting angry at me for not knowing.

Odd description maybe, but the best I can come up with to describe how conversations often feel when shes REALLY in a bad PTSD spiral.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Yes.

My vet tends to oscillate between trusting me completely and thinking I'm out to get him. I just let it roll off my back. He can snoop, search, or internet stalk anything he wants... I don't have anything to hide. If he asks I'll tell him. What I hate is him arguing with me when I tell him the truth. THAT irritates the shit outta me.

That's the mess in his head, and I don't have to own it.

 

[boodle]

Have the two of you ever explored what it is that leads her to use that approach?

Thanks @scout86 We did discuss it on several occasions and each time we appeared to have come to an understanding. ie I would leave if it happened or if it was by text I would not read them. The issue for me was that it became more and more frequent and more and more vicious. I would have been out of the house most of the time! I do feel it became uncontrolled. Its kind of academic now as it became too much to deal with last week and I had to end our relationship for my sanity.