Do You "Forget" Hurtful Interactions?

[BrownEyes]

You guys have made some wonderful points, and have given me a lot to think about. Thank you so much for your input. It means the world to me.

I guess I do think a lot of times that their behaviour is normal, because that's what I've come to know and expect.

It's probably a habit as well, because in order to survive my childhood, I had to pretend that they were nice and "forget" that they were abusive. Otherwise I think I would have gone insane.

Also, it's easier for me to conveniently "forget" how abusive they can be, because it helps me keep the relationship alive. If I truly admit how terribly abusive they are, then I think I would have to made a decision to end contact with them, which I am currently mulling over.

My frustration lies in the fact that I seem to then keep getting into the same situations over and over.

I guess I have come a long way though when I think of it, because at one time I never would have recognized the abuse.

 

[Diana]

Forgetfulness and Hope

Another great thread. Sometimes I think threads like these should be incorporated into the training for those who counsel people with PTSD.

I often “forgot” how badly my mother treated me for one reason only: I held out hope she would change, love me unconditionally and treat me well. I so badly wanted a mother like “everyone else” that I just ignored her backhanded slights, the insults wrapped in compliments, the name-calling, all that. I didn’t “forget” in the sense of not remembering, but my hope and desire far outweighed the hurt she caused me. It’s like the old saying, “Wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first.”

My mother was consistently abusive well into my adult years, but I could still wish faster and more often than she could tell me what a horrible person I was.

I think Pam is right that a lot of people deal with this issue, and that PTSD can amplify it. There can be a lot of guilt associated with becoming independent of one’s parents even when everything is fine. Add some sick and dysfunctional behavior into the mix and you’ve got yourself quite a toxic cocktail.

Most people don’t need the commandment, “Honor they father and mother” because we do this instinctually – even after being mistreated and abused. That’s what makes it so difficult to part ways, especially on any emotional level.

It wasn’t poignant or anything, but I pretty much wrote my mother off once and for all the day she laid into me about the way I was raising my special needs child, going so far as to suggest I’d lied about who the child’s father was, which was just ludicrous. I flatly said, “You’re never going to accept me for who I am, what I do or ever really love me, are you?” She looked dumbstruck, but I took the pause to mean she knew I was right and she couldn’t come up with a life fast enough; the lie being, “I do love you.”

That’s when I started taking the “child within” stuff way more seriously. I had to raise the child I still was right along with my own kids. Good thing a part of me was grown up enough to do that.

 

[Lionheart]

I think the child in us wants so badly to be loved by our parents that we often "forget' how they already treat or treated us. I like to think of my family as the Brady bunch, but the reality is far from it. I finally had to accept (*not like), that my parents are not going to change and if they do it will because of them and not because of me. It bites, but it beats banging my head against the wall.