Do You "Forget" Hurtful Interactions?

[BrownEyes]

Hi, I'm going to try asking this question in a way that makes sense. I hope I can do that. I was wondering if other people have trouble remembering that certain people treat them poorly, or that certain situations can be bad for them?

For example both my parents are very abusive, and have been for my entire life. Thus the cause of my PTSD. When I interact with them today they are still abusive, and at the time I can recognize their behaviour as abusive. And I vow to stay away from them, or at least protect myself better when I'm around them next time.

But after I leave, I sort of "forget" that they are abusive. I end up missing them, and want to do nice things for them, and seem to only remember the rare times that they were nice to me. I "forget" that they treat me poorly.

Then I end up getting into the same situations over and over again with them. And when they end up acting abusive toward me again, I say to myself "Oh yeah... NOW I remember why I was staying away." But before that, I wouldn't remember anything negative.

It's like if you put your hand on a hot stove, you get burned, and the next time you see a hot stove, you remember the pain and don't go near it. Your memory of the pain keeps you safe.

But I seem to have no memory of pain from my parents until I'm reminded of it each time they hurt me. So how do I remember these things so that I don't end up putting myself in the same situations over and over again?

Do others experience this? And if so, how do you handle it?

 

[onebravegirl]

Hi Browneyes,
I think I can understand how you feel. But to clarify if you mean you LITERALLY forget your past visits, than I cam not so sure. If you are saying that you forget the painful interactions, then I can relate because of my own family history. For me the reason I would keep being drawn back to them is because I was comfortable with the abuse. I thought it was normal. My father is very controlling and always made my sister and I feel that we were incapable of thought without his approval. My PTSD was diagnosed years ago but my sister has never been diagnosed. To this day she hates being around my parents but is constantly calling my dad to see what "he Thinks". She second guesses everything she does and until she has talked to Dad, she feels panic and stuck. It took a long time for me to break free from the whole My father-is-my-identity thing. I never used to know when I had done my best at anything because i never once experienced a parent saying to me "Good Job!".
I do not know if any of this is something you can relate too or not. It just what I thought of when I read your words, and I really feel for you so I had to say something. In your case and in my opinion, now that you are aware of your PTSD it is only natural that you are noticing patterns in your life and in your families behavior that may be contributing to your injuries. It takes a lot of strength on your part to be able too see things with new eyes so to speak. You are doing that and you should be very proud of yourself and your discernment. Re-assess who is healthy for you and who is not is a process, it takes time. Be patient and keep up the Great Work!
O

 

[Pam]

Even people without ptsd have trouble with this one. I would imagine it is made worse by ptsd. I get caught up in the idea that "they were just having a bad day".

 

[sidekick]

I think its why many people tend to end up in one abusive relationship after another one, or one relationship that tends to be a repeat of past issues that have been forgotton or burried so to speak. They may be there, but our brains have a way of forgetting about them allowing us to go on functioning. I think a lot of that is also DENIAL........at least in my part......speaking of my current life and when I look back at my past relationships and when my ptsd was always at its worse...Just my 2 fragmented cents..

 

[helena]

Hi Brown Eyes,

I totally relate to what you have said.

I have only begun to realise that my nature is so trusting (stupid some would say!) that I kind of 'forget' the cruelty of what some people have done to me.

I don't get myself so not sure how anyone else could because, on one hand, I am really strong, capable and educated etc but, on the other, I keep seeing the 'good' in people or, as you say, just plain 'forgetting' what they are like.

One year, over Christmas dinner I saw my father in the eyes of me as a small child rather than an adult and the penny kind of dropped... and I thought, okay, so that's why I was so scared of you and, then, I thought omg how dare you, are you really that stupid you wouldn't realise the effect you would have had on a little girl... but, I didn't say anything because what is the point of doing that now?

And yet, I still phone him every day... I still put up with his 'tantrums' and I still have him every year for Christmas Dinner.

I don't ever expect these occasions to be bad...I even look forward to them (as I said, I can be really stupid) and each time you can almost guarantee he loses his temper over something or someone.

So yes, I relate... too much!!

 

[onebravegirl]

I have come to realize that my Dad is a an asshole. But he's my asshole and the only one I've got. Wait a minute, that doesn't sound right!:rofl:
O

 

[tryintobreathe]

Maybe you should change your name to "Bravegirlwith2assholes" lol
Jen

 

[Deleted member 541]

Browneyes,

This is probably way out there, but.... Is it possible that because you have lived with them, and that they have been abusive to you all of your life, that it has just become second nature to you????? In that you know how they are, and you just accept them this way?????

It's also hard, because they are family, your parents, and it's natural that you want them to love you. It's difficult with parents to walk away sometimes. I was in my 40's, before I could do it with my mother. It took me a long time to finally realize the she was never going to change, and that her behavior was abusive.......Until then, I had always hoped that she would love me, and accept me for who I am.... I never happened.....

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Browneyes,

I think your parents are your parents, and it is natural to identify with the 'good' (healthy, loving parts/ potential) they were created for.

Howver, it may be just me, but I have found that I have done the same with family members etc, before I realized that I simply love someone I can't trust.

I hope for you peace and healing, it is very hard to reconcile but you have to make healthy decisions for yourself, irregardless of what others do/ think.

 

[Pixie]

Can I just throw in another possibility to the mix?

I often have trouble with this kind of thing but my psychiatrist has told me that it is called splitting. As in, I can only think of someone as all good or all evil at any one time. So called grey areas don't exist for me. Black and white thinking and all of that!

My view of someone can change so quickly from good to evil if something negative happens but after some distance, my view changes back again and I then have trouble remembering that I was angry or upset or whatever beforehand.

He explained to me that I effectively have to forget, ignore or deny that which made me consider them as evil for self preservation with people that I must interact with.

Does that make sense?

Pixie

 

[Spacechic]

I think it this hope that our parents will change. The idea of belonging as well. Part of our identity falls to our parents afterall it is they who brought us into this world. I too fall into this trap. I forget why I stopped contact then I initiate it again and as you also found we are quickly reminded and we yet again feel this hurt and anger. It is hard to accept that there is nothing we can do. They are the way they are.

Accepting we are not that or part of that anymore is hard. Its a known in some ways. So while we forget we also go back beause its part of us. ver frustrating hurtful and difficult.

 

[anni]

Hi,

All of this is wildly familiar, but especially the part where you said you want to do nice things for them again. That is part of myself that continually baffles me so I've thought a lot about it. I have repeated this pattern again and again and again, without end! In point of fact. someone who has continually betrayed and used me is coming home today for Thanksgiving. For years now I 'forget' her dreadful behaviour and will do stupid things like start giving her things she wants! It's just ridiculous!

I think maybe it's being sooo anxious to have peace that I am way too ready to believe her previous actions will be a thing of the past. Acceptance is so important to my sense of feeling safe that I just let myself get walked allll over. I'm also a rather kind person, I think, and also gullible as heck. It doesn't seem to be a great combination for being able to avoid getting walked all over.

I'm not saying I can't 'fix' this and know it's my responsibility to do so. Today I'm going to try once again to treat her pleasantly but with reserve, not give in to her outlandish demands and for once be aware in the moment. Your post asked what people do, and it made me make a plan. I hope you find some great answers here besides something as simplistic as what I've offered. It just feels like that is what might 'work' for me. Now to just do it! :)

Take care and thanks for your post,

Anni