Do You Go To A Certain Place When Dissociating?

[LawPhotos]

There are definitely a number of different levels for me as well.

Lately I find myself wishing that I could escape to one of the big ones at will. I just want to check out in that way. Not like I am triggered or even super stressed and want to "leave"; but just like right at this moment, I would like to go there. It is not necessarily a pleasant feeling, but a familiar, protected one. I haven't told my T that I really often wish to be there or maybe I should say "not here" when I am actually mostly present. Here she is working so hard on grounding and mindfulness and I'd just as soon not give dissociation up or even lessen it.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

 

[Saphy]

Yeah... you kinda just wanna go to that familiar place where everything is just numb. You feel like your suspended, but at least you don't feel like your being smushed by reality. It's hard when things go by so fast in reality naturally and your past and dissociations seem to make everything go by even faster. I definitely can view dissociation as my preferred escape sometimes because it's familiar and protected. Good observation. (: I agree with you.

 

[Rob_Dog19]

I definitely agree. At the very least it gives me a few minutes of safety from my own mind

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

There are a number of different types of dissociation, too, in addition to levels...

I think I have experienced most of them, but I clearly remember experiencing depersonalization and derealisation only once each. Most of the time when I dissociate I am simply gone, relaxed, and my eyes fixated on some object. My eyes are clearly involved in someway, as when I come back my eyes focus on the object more clearly. There is definitely no specific place that I go to, though.

The only time I disappear is when I experience flashbacks. They take me back to the time and place and replay the same scenario again and again. Every once in a while I will react to what I am experiencing (e.g. trying to hide), but most of the time my hand(s) will just repeat the motion I just made repetitively until someone gets me out of the flashback or it starts to decrease impact. As I sign, the movement can be anything from flapping, spelling a few letters, twisting my wrist, hitting my other hand, etc..

 

[Saphy]

As I sign, the movement can be anything from flapping, spelling a few letters, twisting my wrist, hitting my other hand, etc..

When I was young, prior to anything traumatic, I conditioned myself to have a calming effect. Whether I was crying or angry I would rub my foot against my bed sheet back and forth and back and forth. Just repetitively. I do the same thing whenever I have flashbacks late at night and I'm wondering if maybe your body has cleverly devised a way to pause you at that moment but to compensate for the anxiety with this calming repetitive motion which I sometimes involuntarily do also. Almost like twitches except it's a bit more of a complex motion than that. I have to catch myself doing that nowadays though because if I'm sharing a bed with someone, it can often be really odd and embarrassing since it's hard to explain why I'm so restless even though I'm just trying to ward off some recurring flashbacks.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I've dissociated since I was at least 6 or 7 and it's always been "a blank" state of mind. This made it possible for me as a child to manage the hours of horror and to act as if nothing happened when I was let in with the rest of the family. My sister went hysterical and that never did her any good.. As for me I just smiled and went to bed, I've been told. And to this very day I have no idea what happens when I go blank. I just "loose" time.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I'm wondering if maybe your body has cleverly devised a way to pause you at that moment but to compensate for the anxiety with this calming repetitive motion

That sounds like a brilliant idea! I have always done repetitive motions for their calming effect. So that would clearly fit. According to my mother I've been dissociating since I was an infant.

I guess I am nowhere near close to having control over either dissociation or flashbacks. I'll have to talk to my therapist today about how I might be able to learn that even a little. I still need someone to wave a hand in front of my face from a safe distance or have my service dog touch me.

Any ideas from any of you?

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

I've been reading these messages yesterday and early this morning I was drawn back to it. There are a number of bits and pieces that you mentioned that fascinate me and make me wonder. One of them is the anxiety part.

I think this is because feeling totally dissociated from my physical body causes a severe form of anxiety.

It's utterly, totally, terrifying, not something I am even close to getting used to yet.

In contrast to these, there are others who have the following perspective.

it doesn't have the same calming effect as that distant, numb, unknown and dark place I go to when I dissociate.

The way i read these differences, the anxiety for some takes place during the dissociation and for others anxiety is felt in reality and dissociation is used in order to flee from the anxiety.

I am definitely more like the latter group. I experience the anxiety in the real world and when it overwhelms me, I retreat into dissociation where I feel safe and peaceful. The dissociation can be long or short. Either way it takes me a while to get myself reorganized.

 

[Saphy]

Any ideas from any of you?

Honestly, I'm still trying to dodge dissociation but normally I just avoid social contact since I have a big fear of people finding out. I came to a new place far away from home to start my life over and already a few professionals here know which freaks me out if I ever see them outside the context of their office. So I mean during dissociation, I just try and move myself as soon as I can to a quiet or separate place to avoid anyone noticing me. In other words, when it happens I "run." But I do it for my own psychological safety and that's all I can do for myself while I'm in control.

Recently though my dissociation has become WAY too subtle and enduring. I think I've been dissociating for the past few days (trance-like feeling of not wanting to be productive in any way). It's hard to avoid it when you can only figure out its happened after-the-fact. Try and pick up warning signs your body gives you beforehand. My biggest one is I stop understanding what people are saying and it becomes a blur that someone is tuning down the volume on. Or tuning it all the way up to the point I can't hear... I can't tell.

Hope this helps.

 

[CraftyCath]

With me it's happens differently and I have no control over it. I cannot make myself dissociate it just happens. If there is a big trigger everything around me becomes very surreal, colours begin to blur, voices become muted. It is like I have put myself into an opaque glass box and the glass is very thick. No one can get to me there. I go into a state of shock, numb and shaking. I'm always aware of where I am because I am terrified of loosing control and therefore put up a fight. I didn't know until 7 years ago that this was a form of dissociation.

At other times I just zone out because it feels safer and I don't want to be in the world of big people. I don't remember anything during this time and it is never for very long.

During therapy I have found myself becoming agitated and frightened and I retreat to a very dark place. Nothing is in there, just darkness, but all I feel is anger and fear. I posted a thread recently called 'what's hiding behind the wall.' I didn't have any idea what it was but it was very scary, like I was at 'a' and then there was a big black pane of glass and the darkness behind the glass was 'b.' I had no idea that I was retreating into it. In the darkness I can't see so I can pretend nothing is happening. Now I know that 'little me' lives in that darkness and it is her anger and fear that is being projected.

I have no idea what to do about it and I'm terrified my T won't either and I'll be left with this mess forever. I'm still very confused by it but it is starting to make sense. I get so frustrated as I search for understanding and it feels like it is just out of my grasp.

 

[maddog]

I'm not sure why, but calming repetitive physical activity I have also found to be very calming, grounding and effective at managing my way through dissociation, or, alternately, through feelings of intense distress and/or flashback states. There is something about engaging your muscles in slow, steady, calming, monotonous and repetitive physical action that seems to send those same slow methodical grounded messages through to your brain in a very practical way. T and I devised some very basic easy-to-perform physical grounding strategies early on and I cling to them with religious-type faith all the time. For me, grooming my dog is a classic, because it allows me to engage in such activity while also being close to something safe and responsive and calming by its very nature.

Maddog

 

[Helliepig]

I couldn't really make out what happened when I disociated until I was healed enough to feel normal at least some of the tim, then would notice the change when something triggered me - into a sliding spinning white noise feeling in my head, jittery and spacey feelings, not feel real or present. Now, quite often I notice and it's like "aha" I dissociated just then - and I can chase the trigger like a rabbit down a hole.

Wanting to eat or get drunk, sudden "starting" like I've just returned to my body even though I didn't realise I'd been away, saying things I didn't intend to say like I'm not in control, sudden tears at a film....... all things that point to me I'm not in touch with my insides, even though I'm not in the sliding spining form of dissociation that I recognise as that.

I also dissociate TOTALLY when I'm driving - it's amazing what I can do in my head and still seem to get around unscathed! I tried grounding but it only worked for moments and then like a rubber band, I was back.

For me, it's about the underlying healing...... I get really cross at the confusion and holes in my time lines, in my sense of self, in my feeling real, if I spot them, I note them down and we work on them. Subtle clues on where to go next......