I voted 'sometimes'.
It used to be horrible - this absolute vicious, cruel voice, malevolent even. It would come on strong, torture me for awhile, and then recede. The warning would come: "The Tyrant is on the prowl", and, even though the voice was very soft - I had to strain to 'hear', I had to listen, had to attend to it. My partner watched it happen once and she said I would go very still and appear to just be staring into space very intently.
It finally dawned on me that, as cruel and horrible as it was, that voice was actually trying to HELP me in its own way. Sounds crazy probably, but it figured if it had already done the worst that anyone could do to me, then no one 'out there' could hurt me. I'd never be surprised or blindsided. I think the idea was that I'd rather be hurt by myself than ever be hurt/betrayed by anyone else (again) I guess. So, in her own way, that part was trying to protect me.
Anyway, once I realized that, it began to change. I don't have that vicious one anymore.
I have struggled with the critical voice, but mostly in recent years it's been more of a belief that if I just try hard enough, just push harder, harder, ever harder, I can make myself be different (successful, free, happy, feel safe, not drink, not overeat, be engaged, present, etc, etc). That driven, type "A", coach-type voice isn't helpful, either.
And very recently (like this last week), I realized that I can't beat myself into healing. I've had this mantra lately, "I expect myself to work with myself, where I am, right now" and that inner voice is beginning to morph into a genuine "inner parent" - not brutal/abusive, not indulgent/syrupy, but actually, genuinely nurturing.
-Dylan
It used to be horrible - this absolute vicious, cruel voice, malevolent even. It would come on strong, torture me for awhile, and then recede. The warning would come: "The Tyrant is on the prowl", and, even though the voice was very soft - I had to strain to 'hear', I had to listen, had to attend to it. My partner watched it happen once and she said I would go very still and appear to just be staring into space very intently.
It finally dawned on me that, as cruel and horrible as it was, that voice was actually trying to HELP me in its own way. Sounds crazy probably, but it figured if it had already done the worst that anyone could do to me, then no one 'out there' could hurt me. I'd never be surprised or blindsided. I think the idea was that I'd rather be hurt by myself than ever be hurt/betrayed by anyone else (again) I guess. So, in her own way, that part was trying to protect me.
Anyway, once I realized that, it began to change. I don't have that vicious one anymore.
I have struggled with the critical voice, but mostly in recent years it's been more of a belief that if I just try hard enough, just push harder, harder, ever harder, I can make myself be different (successful, free, happy, feel safe, not drink, not overeat, be engaged, present, etc, etc). That driven, type "A", coach-type voice isn't helpful, either.
And very recently (like this last week), I realized that I can't beat myself into healing. I've had this mantra lately, "I expect myself to work with myself, where I am, right now" and that inner voice is beginning to morph into a genuine "inner parent" - not brutal/abusive, not indulgent/syrupy, but actually, genuinely nurturing.
-Dylan