Do you have a suicide safety plan?

[Roland]

Do you have a suicide safety plan? If so, what is it? Did you use a template or make your own? Does anyone use an app, if so which one is recommended and why?

Most of the things I see on suicide safety things are basically things I never feel like I can use. I never want to go to call 911, go to the emergency room, or self admit to a mental hospital, because I don't have much money nor good insurance and I'm kinda afraid of the healthcare industry as a whole (I'm sorry, I'm extremely cynical, I hate society and people, I'm aware that these people are "good and help people" but I don't trust).

I have called a suicide hotline before and I found it somewhat helpful, she referred me to another hotline after understanding what I was dealing with. NAMI was much more helpful, but it's mental health resources and answers, not a crisis hotline.

I could definitely make my environment safer, last time I was suicidal I bought knives and they've been stashed in my car ever since because I don't want to ever be stuck with a dull knife again.

As far as contacting people I love and trust and are there for me, I don't like bothering people when I'm in a crisis, but also I do have people I will contact if I really need it (but only if I decide I'm not going to do it).

I'd love to hear about what others do, because I always feel like I'm in checkmate when I'm suicidal, afraid to get help, afraid to tell anyone, afraid of myself, afraid to do it, afraid not to do it.

I'm aware that this post is riddled with cognitive distortions, but that's actual things I believe and think when I'm suicidal and I really just don't want to be in that place again, but I see the threat of it spurring back up again. I'm not currently dealing with this, but the last "episode" was last March. So I know I'm not completely out of the woods yet.

 

[Roland]

UPDATE:

So typical March madness, I had a lot of suicidal ideation, but I was able to not "go there" but I did revisit all the times I was suicidal and came to the disturbing realization, that I have attempted suicide- twice- I didn't know what to call it until recently. I remember when my psychologist asked, I didn't know how to respond. She thought I was lying, or hiding something, where in reality, I couldn't view those as suicide attempts, it was a form of denial or coping, or something, like "There was no blood so I didn't attempt suicide" ugh. But also since this post, I believe it was last summer or early fall, I actually gave my knives to my mom. I told her I bought them with the intention to kill myself (two years ago, in March 2021) and hid them in my car. Since then that car's head gasket blew, I bought a new car and THAT car's head gasket ALSO blew. So the last car I bought, I said nope, head gaskets and knives DON'T MIX. So I kept them out of my new car. Amazing, my new car has had zero overheating issues or head gasket issues **face palm** but anyways, I told my mom that they'd never been used and I'd like to keep them that way and want her to give them back to me as a trophy after I'm really done flirting with the grim reaper.

I still think I need some sort of suicide safety plan, like it helps that my life is significantly better than whenever I was attempting, but I also know my "go-to" response to stress is flight/leave. When it's not suicide, it can be something dare I say crazier, like getting up and physically leaving my home and choosing to live in my car in a desolate area for two weeks, or breaking up with my sweetheart, even though there is zero reasons to.

 

[Roland]

I made my own, as it’s the end result of having spent several years actively suicidal / actively attempting to get myself killed (as well as death-wish periods, & not caring if I lived or died, … and coming out the other side in a better place than I could have known to hope for, much less work for… I created some hardline rules for myself. Because that first go? I survived by pure damn luck. Not any skill on my part.

1- If I’m going to die it HAS to be doing something useful

2- If I’m going to die I PREFER it to be in the place of someone who wants to live // and am absolutely NOT allowed to get other people killed in the process.

3- Before I’m allowed to die I have to change EVERYTHING in my life, first.

More on these in the quotes below. They’re not super well written or anything, but I’ve been trying to reply since Feb when this thread was revitalized.

And as a preamble for when I’m in ideation rather than actively suicidal? Reminding myself : If my death hurts? Die better. But if my life hurts? Live better. <<< This is one of the most frustrating and infuriating things when I can’t win for losing, but it’s a vital reminder to me that the emotional logic is completely f*cked. I can no more make my life better by dying than any other bass ackwards reverse logic fallacy. Like sick people take pills, so if I don’t take pills? I won’t get sick! Um. No.

Friday, thank you so much for your commitment to coming back and writing this, I really appreciate it. I took a bit to respond because I have been processing so much of this **sigh** you have such solid advice here.

I like this... I have a similar rule, that I'd almost forgotten, but this has reminded me.

Mine is/ was "I'm not allowed to die until I've spent every last cent that I have on my bank account and overdrawn every available $ on my bank account in the attempt to improve my life so that it's worth living".

I choose to view money as = a tool to achieve certain outcomes.

So, if I've not exhausted every option that money presents - from buying myself an ice-cream, to getting a new hair-cut, to moving overseas, to whatever... then opting out doesn't count.

I've had one very deeply meaningful experience re attempting suicide in my early 20s... It was my first attempt and thankfully, I chose a slow method... slow enough for me to cathartically sob for hours about it all and to get to a deeply numbed, peaceful, spiritual state from hours of bawling my eyes out in a raw and authentic way... It made me break off the suicide attempt and I promised myself that before I throw my life away, what I will do is CHANGE it radically, in everyway possible, including walking out of the house where I was living with just a single bag and the clothes on my back and never looking back again, come what may.

It made me realise that I (and I think many/ most? other people) when they say they no longer want to live... what they mean is they no longer want to live THIS life...

So that means, by changing your life... radically changing it... you're getting rid of THIS life and swapping it for another, more liveable one.

I love this as well, the practical side of me is instantly like: but my family needs my money for funeral/whatever expenses. But you too have a solid parallel point with Friday.