D
Deleted member 47099
I dunno quite how to explain this (my brain is not working and writing a post without a brain is a challenge)...
All my life, I've tried to "hide" my PTSD weirdness.
During trauma, hiding is a natural reaction. And once trauma is over and the PTSD phase starts, hiding symptoms etc seems like a normal reaction too.
When I started getting trauma therapy, I remember being really embarrassed about it and not wanting ppl to know, given the social stigma etc.
I think I've just gotten into a habit of hiding all of my PTSD symptoms as well as I possibly can. (For example, with most of my panic attacks, people aren't even aware I'm having one. Trauma has trained me to be super good at keeping a poker face while dying on the inside...)
Also, my brain has this totally set goal that "being normal" is what I should aim for. There's this deep (and understandable) conviction that trauma and PTSD suck so aiming for "normal" is the obvious and right thing to do.
BUT... even tho I've progressed a long way on my trauma journey, there's still PTSD weirdness that is a) currently part of my life and b) may never fully go away.
At 40, I'd like to start embracing this.
I'd like to get out of the habit of being ashamed of it and pushing it away and trying to be "as normal as possible".
The thing is, I don't just do this when I'm in a public setting. I think this is so fixed in my mind, that even at home, I'm always "aiming for normal" and then kinda disappointed, when I fall short.
At 40, I think it's time to ***embrace*** being weird :inlove::laugh:
For all of you who are younger, I swear you get to an age where you just couldn't care less what others think anymore... Over time, you figure out that EVERYONE is nuts in their own way, everyone is making it up as they go along, behind their social masks everyone is confused and anxious, and you get to the point of "OMG life is too SHORT to worry about other ppl's opinions..." and you realise that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO there's always gonna be ppl who don't like it and criticise you so you may as well do what you LIKE and have 'em grumble about that... :p:cool:
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say...
I guess that me always striving to be "normal" means I'm always striving to be "something I'm not" and that doesn't feel entirely healthy.
I think I need to start loving and accepting myself with PTSD and with all the weirdness that brings with it. :wideeyed::nailbiting::eek::confused::ninja::alien::cautious::roflmao:
Maybe I'll get a t-shirt that says "I'm a PTSD nutcase and proud!" :roflmao:
All my life, I've tried to "hide" my PTSD weirdness.
During trauma, hiding is a natural reaction. And once trauma is over and the PTSD phase starts, hiding symptoms etc seems like a normal reaction too.
When I started getting trauma therapy, I remember being really embarrassed about it and not wanting ppl to know, given the social stigma etc.
I think I've just gotten into a habit of hiding all of my PTSD symptoms as well as I possibly can. (For example, with most of my panic attacks, people aren't even aware I'm having one. Trauma has trained me to be super good at keeping a poker face while dying on the inside...)
Also, my brain has this totally set goal that "being normal" is what I should aim for. There's this deep (and understandable) conviction that trauma and PTSD suck so aiming for "normal" is the obvious and right thing to do.
BUT... even tho I've progressed a long way on my trauma journey, there's still PTSD weirdness that is a) currently part of my life and b) may never fully go away.
At 40, I'd like to start embracing this.
I'd like to get out of the habit of being ashamed of it and pushing it away and trying to be "as normal as possible".
The thing is, I don't just do this when I'm in a public setting. I think this is so fixed in my mind, that even at home, I'm always "aiming for normal" and then kinda disappointed, when I fall short.
At 40, I think it's time to ***embrace*** being weird :inlove::laugh:
For all of you who are younger, I swear you get to an age where you just couldn't care less what others think anymore... Over time, you figure out that EVERYONE is nuts in their own way, everyone is making it up as they go along, behind their social masks everyone is confused and anxious, and you get to the point of "OMG life is too SHORT to worry about other ppl's opinions..." and you realise that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO there's always gonna be ppl who don't like it and criticise you so you may as well do what you LIKE and have 'em grumble about that... :p:cool:
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say...
I guess that me always striving to be "normal" means I'm always striving to be "something I'm not" and that doesn't feel entirely healthy.
I think I need to start loving and accepting myself with PTSD and with all the weirdness that brings with it. :wideeyed::nailbiting::eek::confused::ninja::alien::cautious::roflmao:
Maybe I'll get a t-shirt that says "I'm a PTSD nutcase and proud!" :roflmao:
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