Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[lostforgottensoul]

And that's such a huge concept, that is so very subjective and individual, it's very hard to properly define it from the outside.

Yeah, it is. Its just like this wrong feeling and yeah dirty and stuff like that. Its not a clear gauge, but the feelings are there which is why I generally have the urge to "punish" after..."must punish for the bad i just did" is the thought process on that generally.

Another good reason to open this dialogue.

Indeed! I do hope it serves as a non-judgemental supportive space for those engaged in it either the unhealthy or healthy types...any re-creating of trauma as its commonly done but so not commonly talked about.

 

[Sideways]

Times when you have to "stop moving" might be when you sit down for a coffee, you go to bed, etc. You can't distract yourself 24/7, and fill the rest with meditation. Washing the dishes - you can try and do it "mindfully", but sometimes, it's just you and your head and not much else is going on to distract you.

Stuff that gives your life meaning is anything that feels important to you. Volunteering is great. And I'm studying, which helps a lot. But it's as mich the smaller human things that make you feel like part of humanity. I spend 1-2 hours a week at my grandparents place, and fix their garden while I'm there. I know it's important to them - they really appreciate my visits. So that's become meaningful for me. "Big" meaning is huge, but you don't have to set out to change the world, just do things that are relevant in some way. After a while, they start to give your life meaning. "I matter to my grandparents" isn't curing malaria, bit it still gives me meaning.

It gets easier to not dwell on the thoughts, and let them pass, with practice. It's like an addiction- your head is used to the thoughts, they're familiar, and when you act on them, it reinforces everything for your brain. All the negative beliefs about yourself, including the beliefs like "I have to do this", "this makes it feel better/appropriate for a while", "this is something that I can do that I control", etc etc.

If you can start not acting on those thoughts, your brain gets used to the idea that they're just thoughts and there isn't any sudden expectation of relief or whatever you get from it. The more you don't act, the more they become "just thoughts", and gradually it gets easier for your brain to let them go. If they're just thoughts, and you start to know you're not going to act on them, there's no reason for your brain to stand to attention every time they show up, it's just, "oh yeah, there's those f***ed up thoughts again..."

Every time you self harm, you reinforce your brain's belief that this is something you need to do. You make the process harder. So you start by denying your brain the hit that it's after. Like any addiction, it's near impossible at first, but it does get easier and easier the more you retrain your brain that actually, you don't need to do this. You can cope without it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Ragdoll Circus that is one amazing reply! I will have to search for small things that matter to me (and/or someone around me), and the retraining your brain I do get...my therapist talks about it a lot. I tried to break it down once and I created a thread "how do you determine what you deserve" as I was struggling with "explaining to myself" I guess you could say that I dont deserve bad, didnt deserve my entire past and deserve good. As how my non-rational brain thinks is I deserve everything bad because I was born bad (totally not rational, I get that and so my rational side fights that thus the 24/7 fight in my head) and I figured that if I could figure out some how, how one determines what they deserve then I could use that to counter it. It ended up more or less unknown but my therapist really pushes the idea that one believes what one constantly tells oneself over time and I get that as thats what happened in my 10 yrs of denial.

What gets hard is saying it constantly and it constantly feels like a lie...saying it backwards (how my therapist says how you see if you're starting to believe yourself if saying it backwards and see if it feels wrong or seems off a bit); it seems right when said backwards...so it doesnt seem to be "sticking" if you will.

However, I am an extremely strong willed cperson that isnt a quiter, im not going to give up and will keep fighting but its very hard. Not impossible though it feels that way, just very hard. Its exhauating to keep fighting yourself and I get frustrated and almost hopeless when i cant seem to move these thoughts and feelings along even a small inch. Like if I can get a bit of movement I think it will help but its good to hear a testiment from someone thats been successful in doing so...helps me in the fight and helps me to keep saying these things like "i deserve good and I dont deserve bad, didnt deserve what happened" etc and gives me hope that one day, I will be able to move these things along...let them pass. So thank you! :)

 

[Sideways]

When it comes to self harm, I keep it really simple: I just can't. If I get into the beliefs, I'll lose that battle.

But every time I don't self harm, and my world doesn't implode, it gets easier to not self harm. Getting to the point where I'm treating myself better, and challenging beliefs is work in progress. All I'm doing by self-harming is making that progress impossible- telling myself I deserve good stuff, while I'm treating myself like shite, I'll never get anywhere.

So "not" self harming can feel like it's not achieving much. But it does mean that I'm not undoing all of the progress I make in therapy. And that's critical.

 

[Ronin]

I'm distractable out of self harm with better objectives.

When it seems like a good thing to do, I'd do it; addictive in a different way. My addictions all have/had to do in common that I can push myself past my limits, in whatever direction; so reframing in a way that says 'No, that's not a limit, that's just a super stupid thing you're planning, why are you not doing something /else/' works better with me.

(Just thoughts on self harm / not having to do with the seeking people part of anything, as that's not related, and isn't as much self harm as complicated thrill seeking & honest needs of the moment.)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

So "not" self harming can feel like it's not achieving much. But it does mean that I'm not undoing all of the progress I make in therapy. And that's critical.

Now that I think about it, I havent gone out to seek sexual harm form months, ive not cut myself down there or hurt myself down there in any way ("punished") since i told my friend on the other site and that was during my "nudest children" freak out I had here and I dont know the date but thats had to have been 2 months or more ago...maybe 3, and then ive not cut for about a month, maybe a month and a half when I used to "punish" about every day to a few times a week and if i didnt do that, id at least cut my arm or something. Achievement, so it seems...i just havent seen it as so until just now. :)

Yeah, fighting the thought, deserve or not deserve, feelings etc is another thing. I guess i grouped them all because im currently trying to figure why bad feelings and bad thoughts get stuck and dont pass but maybe i dont know how much acheivement cause i havent had much of a want to do it lately so i dont know if i could fight it when i have that severe want to and fighting it.

.... Im over thinking it or minimizing it or doing something with it. Damn it, why cant i just accept acheivements? Im gonna shut up on that its an acheievement note lol.

 

[joeylittle]

I came out as queer in 92', so I'm used to rejecting society's judgement on things.

I jumped when I read that. I dislike that word as its usually used to hurt as like racisim words are used. Gay or homesexual/Lesbian/Bisexual/Pansexual (I dont get the difference in pansexual and bisexual but anyway.

I see you (or at least thought of you) as bisexual as you've spoken of sex with a woman

@lostforgottensoul - before you go educating people about things that they should or shouldn't say, I'd really suggest you go look it up.

https://community.pflag.org/abouttheq

Today, more and more young people are coming out “queer,” much to the dismay of the older generation of the LGBT community who is used to hearing it as the oppressors attempt to degrade and dehumanize them. Although not exclusively used by the younger generation, and not used by all youth in all cities and towns, it does seem that more LGBT people are choosing Queer as their term of identification than LGBT people ten years ago and that those who choose to identify in this way actually benefit from not choosing a specific label. ...It is a fluid label as opposed to a solid label, one that only requires us to acknowledge that we’re different without specifying how or in what context. It is also a concise word that people may use if they do not feel like shifting their language along with their ever-evolving gender, politics and/or sexuality. It may also be an easier and more concise identity for some people to use if and when people ask, because they do.

Yes: queer was a pejorative term awhile back. It's been reclaimed by the LGBT community as a very effective term of identification. PS: Telling a queer person, and the rest of us, on how to use queer, but brushing off the difference between pansexual and bisexual? These terms of identity are really f*cking hard-won by people who choose to wear them.

Not a post from the voice of the Admin - just a post from a member with a very strong opinion about this.

/end threadjack

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When it seems like a good thing to do, I'd do it; addictive in a different way. My addictions all have/had to do in common that I can push myself past my limits, in whatever direction; so reframing in a way that says 'No, that's not a limit, that's just a super stupid thing you're planning, why are you not doing something /else/' works better with me.

Addictions have been so much different with me. Im strong willed and when i want to stop something bad enough (completely fed up, its not going to control me for another sec of another min of another day again), I fight the hell out of that. I go through whatever withdrawl and fight the want to to the point of throwing chairs against the wall when i had moved to another State to get clean off coke (i knew everyone in the city that did it...im way too scared to go downtown of any place and by it myself so i knew the move would work) and to the point of not walk into Walgreens or Walmart alone for about 6 months coming off of duster as every damn place legally sells it as its legal ti own it. Thats been my hardest since i now go ti these stores alone (its been about 2 yrs) and i pass it every week and right in the middle of an aisle at walmart and on hard days its rough but i just close my eyes and go.

This does feel different and stronger. Unsure why but

No, that's not a limit, that's just a super stupid thing you're planning, why are you not doing something /else/'

Sounds like it would work as it has the "do something else" distraction thing in it. Just need to find something that keeps my brain active enough. Working works because when in fixing internet/computer for someone, my brain is like "all in" so i need to find a task like that. The DBT workbook (or any workbook) would be good as its not just reading, its thinking and writing and keeps you active in it. Puzzles and stuff (brain/puzzle like games is all i have one my phone) might work if they engulf my brain enough. Cleaning I cant do much of or for very long.

I do like:

"You want to, but you can't. You just can't".

Too, but i think maybe remind myself why i cant then saying "do this instead" gives me another option. Im usually doing it in times that i 'need' to re-enforce "what I am" per cult beliefs of me so re-enforcing that is so engrained in me I think. So i have to catch myself early, tell myself "no, you cant do this" and why which re-enforces good self essteem and is the opposite of cult believes of me, and then give myself a great alternative to either distract or build self esteem (so doing something meaningful would be good here). Combining them all a bit. Sounds like a damn good plan to me!

Maybe it's age, or life experience, maybe it's too important to be me and I work hard at it because I have no clue.

Yeah, I dont know why i stopping doing what i was in my 20s either. Maybe things in life become more important? I think for me a bit a maturity too.

I find i lash out when my emotions are intense and i cant handle whats going on inside so everything just turns hotter and my fuse is very short. But thats me.

I take things to a personal level and work really isn't personal.

I do too at times.

before you go educating people about things that they should or shouldn't say, I'd really suggest you go look it up.

I didnt advise "you shouldnt say this", I advised i physically jumped because i did and that i dislike the word because i do and that this is how i see her because thats how i see her.

I appologize if it came across as "you shouldnt say this" as thats not how i meant it. I would never advise someone that they should discribe themselves as a different word when speaking of sexuality or really anything. I was only advising of my reaction and my dislike of the word and that dislike has its reasons.

 

[joeylittle]

I appologize if it came across as "you shouldnt say this" as thats not how i meant it.

OK. You gave a list of words you think are acceptable. I was referring to that.

On the subject of the thread:

For some years after the kidnapping/rape, I engaged in sexually promiscuous behavior. I am pretty sure I was looking for approval from those individuals; trying to re-create aspects of the trauma to justify some thought that the whole event was for a reason. They told me I liked it, they told me I was good at it, I should do it more. That sort of thing.

Other aspects of possible recreation - I'm not sure if they were, or not. I had a lot of sex. Was I trying to get hurt? I don't know.

I have come close to re-creating some things that weren't sexual in nature - specifically some self-harm that I was asked to do. I'm able to stop myself, and I'm glad of that.

I definitely re-create the power dynamic. When I believe I've been misunderstood, and someone is angry as a result, I have to fight the urge to trip over my own feet apologizing. I manage that one mostly. When I go through bouts of being intensely ashamed in therapy, I have trouble doing anything but staring at the floor.

When I was raped, years later, I defaulted to what I would describe as re-created behavior. I first struggled very hard, but then when threatened, became very co-operative, doing what I was asked to do without difficulty. In many ways, those memories remain incredibly disturbing.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

trying to re-create aspects of the trauma to justify some thought that the whole event was for a reason. They told me I liked it, they told me I was good at it, I should do it more. That sort of thing.

I can completely relate to that.

I had a lot of sex. Was I trying to get hurt? I don't know.

I do that too. For me, its not always to be hurt but "the only thing im good at...or good for" or some thought process down that road. Thats just me though.

In general my sex drive is insanly high and PCOS has some to do with it but I know thats not near all of the reason why.

I have come close to re-creating some things that weren't sexual in nature - specifically some self-harm that I was asked to do. I'm able to stop myself, and I'm glad of that.

Im proud of you for stopping. Ive been there too but didnt stop. It takes a strong person to stop, in my opinion.

I definitely re-create the power dynamic. When I believe I've been misunderstood, and someone is angry as a result, I have to fight the urge to trip over my own feet apologizing. I manage that one mostly.

Oh my, I can relate to that too. I never thought of it as a power dynamic. I can see that, totally. Just never thought of it that way.

When I go through bouts of being intensely ashamed in therapy, I have trouble doing anything but staring at the floor.

Uh huh. I never look at my therapist and I can, by memory, tell you exactly how the lamp and clock cords are tangled and how to untangle them. They are on a table between two chairs to the left of the couch and what i stare at. Its most certianly shame for me too.

When I was raped, years later, I defaulted to what I would describe as re-created behavior. I first struggled very hard, but then when threatened, became very co-operative, doing what I was asked to do without difficulty. In many ways, those memories remain incredibly disturbing.

Im sure they are disturbing and Im sorry. I cant imagine how it must feel when one is re-traumatized and how it must make getting better so much harder.

You are a strong woman in my opinion!

 

[Sideways]

Wells, you don't need to use self harm to reinforce the beliefs. If they were true, you wouldn't need to repeatedly prove that to yourself by self harming.

But it's a bit like your therapist has you writing a really long essay, the further you get through it, the more you get written down, the closer you get to recovery. Self harm is the equivalent of erasing pages of your own work.

But I go for not over-thinking it. You just can't. Period. And you haven't, for months now, and the world kept turning, you were okay, you coped. So when it comes up, "I just can't, and that's okay, because I know I can cope if I don't."

 

[LF1]

I’ve never thought about it as re-creating trauma, but I guess I was. I thought of it more as wanting a different picture in my head. I sought out sex at times because when I’d have it, I’d still “see” my abuser and feel some of the physical pain and stuff from him. I was trying to get the sex to be “right” - i.e., not see him etc but nothing really worked, most the time I was dissociative or very passive (I’d let them do whatever they wanted). Then afterwards I’d be flooded by the shame, and yet I'd keep on doing it again and again.

I also just plainly thought that was what I was supposed to do - have sex with guys all the time, and I didn’t really question that or understand that I could say no. I read a post yesterday, not sure what thread, where someone said to say yes you have to be able to say no - and that’s really stayed with me. I have a real inability to say no - I don’t feel like I have the right to and even if I did, I have no idea how to.

There were also times I’d use the internet to meet guys for sex under the proviso that they could do whatever they wanted to me (never good stuff). It wasn’t a healthy scenario at all, and yeah looking back it was was purely retraumatising, and I still have a lot of shame tied up with that.

I haven’t done any of this sort of stuff for probably 4-5 years now, and most of it or at least the more intense and higher frequency was in my teens and early 20s. That said, I don’t really know that it’s all consigned to my past either. It’s not like I feel like I’ve overcome or moved past this stuff, plus there's times even now that I think about putting myself in those type of situations again - much to my shame, and complete confusion.