Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[UnKnown-Self]

Hi @Pjj The workplace is tough. (Moving forward "you" is meant generally not specifically you :) )

In regards to PTSD you can't tell people, you "should" tell some people, all the while you just the process of thinking of "telling" has its own bag of emotions to deal with. There is the apologetic shame, the fear of how differently you will be "seen" moving forward and who else will be told. There is the fear of it affecting your performance appraisal or any possibility of promotion. Yes, there are laws but the proof is on you. The fact is you can excel in the right setting and those positions are out there.
I don't know if you read much and I apologize if I am breaking any rules but Pete Walker's book is great.
Everyone gets overwhelmed on the job and they either ask for help or push through it.
I cannot ask for help. It makes me feel indebted and I avoid that all costs. Who knows what the price will be? That leaves pushing through it or dropping the ball. It would take hours to go over all the negative feels that brings up.
If I have enough presence of mind I will quietly say out loud to myself. "you are in an emotional flashback. What you are feeling has nothing to do with now." It might help you to say this a few times until that rationalization reaches your brain and your gut so give your self time before the meeting. Do your best to stay in the NOW. Don't think about the possibility of crying or how you cried in the past. Once you get yourself to a calmer place by reminding yourself those feelings are not about NOW. Focus on what NOW is about. The meetings purpose. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to say, the words. "I am in an emotional flashback that has nothing to do with now." Out Loud. Saying it silently just invites the inner critic(s) to throw in their opinion of what it really is, you are stupid, incapable, unable to function in society so give the f*ck up.
I can only speak for myself here but I have too many thoughts going on at once in my head. Adding another silent thought just gets lost in the jumble. Saying something out loud helps me overcome the inner cacophony of negativity along with focusing on regulating my breathing.
It is good that you have a pdoc and mindfulness is key. Mindfulness is more that staying in the now however. Mindfulness goes hand in hand with awareness and acceptance. It is a lot of work. Much of the work can be done right here on this site.
Some of it seems like a lot of self-absorbed bullshit and it might be. There are diary options here on the site. I should make use of mine more.
It starts the moment you wake. Open your diary, write down dreams if you had any, how you slept and how you feel.
The diary is a place to write goals and if you followed through. Did you plan your meals, get your clothes ready, wake up in enough time to do any morning routine?
That's just what I should be doing, you of course would have your own list. Don't forget to give yourself time to do what is on your list. Not having the time is avoidance, plain and simple.
Throughout the day quickly record feelings, successes, stumbles. When do you feel energized, tired or how is your body feeling at any given moment. Headaches, numbness, joint or muscle pain and the ever popular brain fog. All this needs to be recorded. Along with what was going on at the time. Even if you put it on your note app and transfer it to your diary later.
Everyone walks around with their phone and texts. It doesn't have to be too lengthy. Just enough to jog your memory later when you can write about it.
Situations and if you reacted or responded are biggies. Reflection or feedback from from the members here will give you an opportunity to see how you might have done it differently. This will be a great help with your pdoc sessions.
Do you have gut problems? A diary might reveal certain connections. What did you eat and when? Was there any reactions emotionally, physically? What were you thinking about while eating? At this point you may want to focus only on your food. The smells, your chewing, tasting and how it feels swallowing.When you ate, how did you eat (one gulp and move on or did you enjoy your meal).

All this is part of mindfulness and awareness. We are often so cut off from ourselves we are unaware of PTSD's ability to affect our metabolic processes right down to our cells. PTSD flows through the very fabric of our society but that is a topic for another time.

I don't know if you have a paid membership. If you do, you can have a private diary to track things you prefer not to make public.

I do not follow my own advice. I did at one time and to say I found it revealing is an understatement.
It will be something I undertake again once I find a pdoc.

Peace Out

 

[UnKnown-Self]

my mom is also very controlling and very critical

Wow @WishfulThinking123
Having the only option of to leave one abuser, you have to go to another is horribly heartbreaking.
I have been there more that once and all I can say is, "f*ck a duck and shittin' feathers!"

Of course I have more to say :) especially since I have been in that exact situation. I have to be honest and tell you what I am about to share was advice given to me by my pdoc at the time.

Remind yourself you are an adult now and while you can't change anything about her, you can change how you react. No reaction as if you didn't hear her with a pre-planned exit strategy. Do I smell something burning? I better put a load of clothes in the laundry, Timmy needs help with homework or whatever. This might work occasionally if they don't follow you.
Just stand there expressionless and at the right moment, usually when they stop for air, ask without emotion if they are done because you have things to do. If your mother is anything like mine, this could bring on a full fledged physical attack. If not it might work.

Now I have to tell you the only solution I have found is cutting myself off completely and having no contact.

I hope your situation changes for the better soon.

:hug:

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Alice.in.Wonderland Thank you so much for the above thoughtful post! Thank you also for the advice, I have tried to just not say anything because- politely saying I don't agree with her doesn't work. She will keep at it... I have stood there before and not said anything and then she will ask what's wrong why I'm not saying anything and I will say well I was just trying to be polite and not say anything which at that point I might say I just don't agree and then she goes in for the major criticism. She always thinks she knows best, down to what toys I buy my son. I am trying (with the help of my T) to just not let it bother me. It is so hard though... I have tried to work through it with her but, honestly I am tired you know? My T says I just have to think of how to "survive" because, lately with the PTSD from my abusive marriage and then their constant criticism I have been sinking :(

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@WishfulThinking123

Your post is a blast from the past. It takes me right there so yes, I know how tired you are. *gentle hugs*
I don't know how old you or your son is but this situation is not good for either of you. All the avoidance exercises in world can only help temporarily at best. I don't say that to take away your hope. We both know its true. She knows your buttons too well and your role is deeply ingrained.
What you need is an exit strategy. What do you need to get by on your own? How much education do you have? What skills? Perhaps your T can help you. You need to figure out child care. Do not, DO NOT let your mother or any family member babysit while you go to work or school. No matter what anyone says, especially your mother. I don't think it is wise to depend on friends either. Last minute cancellations f*cks with your control of the situation. There are places that charge by how much you make. You have to make your plans with your independence as your goal.
You might not be able to buy your son toys and have to buy both your clothes at the Goodwill.
You will have to break contact with your mother and anyone who would carry messages.
It might be the hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life and many challenges will follow but it is the only way for you to build a new and healthy foundation for you and your son.
Living with PTSD does not mean you are weak. It means to have the strength to survive what most do not. Others survive by becoming abusers themselves. I don't think you are one of those.
If at anytime you talk to someone and later you have to wonder if you said too much or if the words spoken will come back to haunt you. That person has no place in your life. You owe nothing to anyone. Nothing.
The exceptions being your son and yourself. If you ever get into another relationship there has to be an agreement they will never try to mend fences because they are your family after all. NO.
Your mother and perhaps others will use every opportunity to rob you of any chance of joy.
You will miss them. You will surprisingly miss your role.
You cannot change your past and you are the only one who can change your future.

Sending Peace, Hope and Joy your way :hug:

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Thank you again...that is the problem my full dependence on them. I want to also add- neither of my parents have ever been physically abusive so there is no actual danger of me living there. I have about another year until I can move out. I am currently in school part time due to becoming a mother...long story short after I left my husband and gave birth to my son (he's 3 now) I had to eventually leave the job I was in because the erratic hours didn't match up well for a single mother with a newborn. I made the hardest decision ever...to go to school part time to get my second degree in something that would be more suitable to being a single mother. This was really hard for me to do because, I knew without working, no money, single mother that I would be stuck in my house for years. Not sure if I made the right decision or not but, I just have to make it about 2 more years actually and then I can start supporting myself. The problem is even if I got a part time job now my mother wouldn't want to babysit those extra hours and any kind of child care would be the majority of my paycheck. Right now unfortunately I don't think there is a way to move out- where I live cost of living is also pretty high. Actually it was getting so bad that with every criticism it just takes me back to memories of being a teenager and makes me super depressed wanting to cut again, etc.. I finally bit the bullet and started an antidepressant this week and I can already feel it working. Hopefully that will help.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

So you do have an exit plan! I am so happy for you and proud of you! Education is the key and you are smart enough to know that. Go to a mirror and blow yourself a kiss for being an amazing woman.

Never underestimate the power of words. Words are tools of emotional power. Many knew/know this; Jesus, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Adolph Hitler, Gandhi, Maya Angelo, Journalists and dare I say 45, Our Parents, Ourselves and Our Children.

Words can be physically abusive and they can also heal. I don't remember the beatings so much. I remember fear. My mother was one hell of a bitch. I don't know how old I was when it started but I would imagine the same time "The Wizard of Oz" started being shown seasonally on TV. Someday I'll do the math :)
Getting back to the point, my memory. I remember my mother would look at me and cackle just like the Wicked Witch of the West. There are no words for the terror that bolted through me. Oddly enough TWoO is one of my favorite musicals and I know by heart. The bitch did it for years and she took pride in knowing she could "still scare me with that." Before I got a new phone and she doesn't know the number, her incoming ring tone was the, "I'll get you line ... right through to the cackle." It would play through because I didn't answer it. I found it funny when it would happen in front of someone. I would look at them and say, "it's my mother" and continue talking about other things. Some would scold, or passively disapprove. At the best I'd get a scoff followed by awkward silence. It was an exercise in self control mixed with a bit of petulant brat. I could forgive my mother for many things. I still live with the terror she deliberately stirred in me. She no longer gets the enjoyment of it.
As an adult daughter whose mother occasionally uses a wheelchair and who the State gifted a chair lift installed up the steps because she is so weak and old. That mean old bitch can still talk and I still fear her words enough to know how unhealthy she is for me.
There can be no words between us because our realities are too different.
Your mother, father, partner and especially the child have no right to use their words to express judgment upon you. Nothing you can do or say will change others. Your mother must know her words cause you pain. I'm sure you tried to tell her. Yet she still does it and at some level you know that, makes it hurt more.

I think I will start practicing proper ways to respond. When alone I should take the time. Saying, "back the f*ck off", does not go over well at work.
They should have support groups for single moms. Maybe they do .

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Alice.in.Wonderland Thank you again for a wonderful post that you have shared with me. You do no know how much your building and supportive words have meant to me today. Thank You! I am so sorry for the pain your mother has caused you. Yes, my mother and father instill fear in me with their words and looks as well despite them never actually hitting me. You are so strong to think about yourself and be able to remove yourself from your family like that! That takes a very strong person to purge unhealthy people from your life-I definitely have a problem with this-obviously. It is very true I cant change them but, I do feel so very attached to my mother. Every time I try to allow my mother in- it seems to cause pain, I wish I could distance myself emotionally but, it is hard because, ever since I was young my mother has also relied on me to meet her emotional needs so, I feel responsible to make her happy too. I have to realize I am never going to make her happy with me and that's ok... I have also just come to terms with the fact that she is very manipulative and I cant trust anyone in my family really.

 

[Pjj]

Hi @Pjj The workplace is tough. (Moving forward "you" is meant generally not specifically you
Peace Out

Alice thanks so much for reaching out and I can't overstate that. I have never thought of emotional flashbacks or simply writing a plan for the day beyond a work thing. The problem that I faced with work was that I was a compassionate transfer from the country to the city (hospitals) due to a wife with brain haemorrhages and a late step daughter with cancer (both CSA survivors - before I knew them). So of course work knew and now I wished to hell I didn't tell them. My direct supervisor which I didn't know, is a sexual predator so me being open lef me vulnerable and of course they are using my problems to counter my complaint.

However for me the positives on the journey is to really start the healing process. I feel that your response is really about taking the next step and sometimes you need to hear it from somebody not in authority like a therapist - so thank you again. R.e. A diary I used to keep a diary and my daughter and I both insomniacs, used to write our diaries together at 3,00a.m. so what you are saying about emotional flashbacks may mean that going back to diary writing is a good place to start

The warmest of regards

Pjj

 

[Pjj]

P.s. I will check out Pete Walker, have you read Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery - it is excellent for complex traumas

 

[EveHarrington]

Stop pushing people away in general? That one is hard. I still push people away today. I t...

I don't know...I'm going through actual abandonment right now so it's tough. My dad was a big supporter of mine. WAS. I tried to kill myself a few months ago. I was in the hospital (medical part, not psych ward), at one point I was so bad that they told my family to not even visit so they wouldn't see me in such a state. Once I had improved, my dad chose his new fiancé over seeing me! (At that point they'd been together for all of three whole months.) Yup, What a kick to the gut. I realize if he doesn't even want to see me when I'm almost dead, I can't count on him for anything.

f*ck. I mean if this is how the real world operates, then my abandonment issues aren't even issues. Cuz people will walk out on you for any reason and say screw you, you don't matter to me anymore.

 

[Pjj]

Don't diminish your emotions, how can you distinguish between one form of cancer to another if you are a sufferer, I think it is the same with PTSD- see my post above, it is a great book that links trauma types!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@EveHarrington, sorry to hear about your dad. I know how it feels. My entire family abandoned me, one or a few at a time so the entire thing lasted about 8 yrs, but took about 3 yrs of my therapy. My dad is the only one left and he is also on his way out now. Leaving me completely alone.

It's so very hard when it is your family. Most get what abandonment feels like but when it is your own family (those that are supposed to love you no matter what) it is a whole new level of abandonment.

My family also do not believe me and cause a huge amount of drama. During the 3 yrs they took up of my therapy, I attempted suicide several times due to my family and it was then that my therapist had me back up away from them and the drama. It took a long time. A very long time. But, once I did, it was like a huge load was lifted from me. I wasn't being steered by them anymore. What they thought of me didn't matter as much anymore. What they did or didn't do was their actions, not in my control, and did not define me as much anymore.

So, basically, they can do, not do, say, not say whatever they want and I have a "I don't give a shit" meter. It has no or little bearing on me anymore. If that makes sense.

It's hard and I don't know if I can even tell you how I was able to back away from them but what he did doesn't mean you deserve(d) that or that you have less worth because of his actions. He made and is making a selfish choice and wasn't thinking about you at all. But that doesn't define who you are nor does it mean you deserve that.

My family and them continuing to abandon me does hurt. It will always hurt. But it hurts less today and it no longer pushes me over the edge like it used to.

Not sure if that helps any or if that makes any sense. It took my therapist and many threads on here to learn how to not allow it to effect me so much but sometimes it sneeks in and starts to effect me again and I will make a thread and talk it out and I am ok again for a while. It is a process, like anything else, I suppose. But I do understand that it is a whole other level of abandonment when its family. If no one else, I get that. :hug:s