Do You Tell Your Spouse, What If They Are A Trigger & Fighting The Urge To "run"

[Whirlwind]

I was just diagnosed and the realization of what is going on with me has put me in the headlights. My therapist and I agree that we need to slow down, work on stabilizing and identifying triggers.

I have known my husband for some time but only married a couple of years. He is aware that I have old issues brewing, and he fluctuates with being supportive and wanting me to "get over it". My words but that is the gist. I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way.

The unfortunate part is my husband is one of my triggers.

My husband is a good person. I have told my husband "some" of my past....he knows it wasn't great. He also has some behaviors which I wish I had known about. I am barely married. I don't want to be "broken". I don't want to ruin my marriage but to be honest, while his behavioral stuff is real, I can't tell how "bad" it is because its getting mixed up with old stuff.

I do know he is trying after a bad row at the beginning of this year. One thing he did was "silent treatment" which sends me to the moon (purposeful isolation when young).

He wasn't getting it so I shared a "light version" of what used to happen to me, why I can't take it today. His reaction...I think I freaked him out and that was with my "modified" version. :( I don't believe he could handle the truth of it all, not that I would want to put that on anyone. My demons, you know? So, the upside, he stopped his silent treatment cold turkey. We've argued but zero silent treatment. We also started routine "meetings" where we go over a marriage improvement workbook together....he has really gotten into it in a positive way.

My husband returns from an extended trip and I don't know how I am going to hold it together when he gets here.

I feel awful right now....I find myself "checking out", I'm swimming in creepy feelings, emotional jags out of nowhere.

I want to keep this private. But I also don't know if I can hold it together in front of him. I fear he will be dismissive of what is happening. .. or disgusted by me.

I know this isn't good but some days I just want to run, from everything. Even him. My therapist expressed some concern about that so I agreed to stay put (not move) for at least another year.

Thank you for listening. At least I have gotten this off of my chest. Whirlwind.

 

[rightkindofme]

I do tell my husband. He isn't as triggering for me as it sounds like your husband is for you. My husband has a background in hypnotherapy and neurolinguistic programming. I looked for someone who would understand psychology discussions because I'm a very broken person and I'm quite convinced it isn't possible for me to be with someone who doesn't get me. I'd be dead within a year at this point.

It sounds hard for you. I don't know how to handle that. I'd be in a lot of couples therapy.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've spoken to my wife about how my previous relationships make it hard for me to understand what's happening in the here and now. I also have issues with the 'silent treatment', never had it from her, but sometimes I misinterpret normal quietness.

I think telling him "I'm finding it really difficult to be with you at the moment because my memories are getting in the way," is going to work better than trying (and most likely failing) to hide the problem. Going into detail about the past trauma might not be needed, but helping him to understand what's going on is good.

 

[Jen93]

Why not try writing everything to him if you can't get it into words? There are a few of my friends and teachers who trigger me and I've told them. Write down what it is that triggers you-however small, silly and stupid it may seem, then tell him that it's not about him; it's just that for some reason those specific things about him have turned a switch on causing you to react to him in that way.

Write down why it triggers you. (e.g one of my friends triggers me because she has orange hair and my friend then did too-I don't want her to change her hair color for me, but I'd like if she showed me her arms if I asked her to or if I ask her if she's okay, and not give me weird looks when I do-she complies.) Try focussing on what is different about him: also emphasize that it will be easier for the switch to go back to "off" if he is caring and supportive and understanding. He doesn't need to know all the nitty gritty details, it's okay to keep him on a need to know basis.

 

[Whirlwind]

"I'm finding it really difficult to be with you at the moment because my memories are getting in the way," is going to work better than trying (and most likely failing) to hide the problem.

Hmm. That is an interesting idea...not absolving the issue at hand, just that it can't be dealt with in that moment. Something along your suggestion is worth a try. Thank you.

Try focussing on what is different about him: also emphasize that it will be easier for the switch to go back to "off" if he is caring and supportive and understanding. He doesn't need to know all the nitty gritty details, it's okay to keep him on a need to know basis.

Another good way to approach it. Thank you too!

I know I can't successfully hide this forever so the feedback is much appreciated. My husband means well but the psychological realm is a stretch for him, he is the introverted smart guy but he can be oblivious to social dynamics....and this is a much bigger fish. I need to explain things to him in a way he can digest.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[LizardViolet]

If he's an introverted smart guy, maybe he'd be willing to read a book or some articles that your T might suggest. He could use some basic knowledge about your situation IN GENERAL, some vocabulary and context, even if he doesn't need to know or right now can't handle all the horrible details. And you've got your hands full dealing with your own stuff, you're not in a position to educate him. It sounds like it feels too emotionally risky for you, too. But he may need a little more background to give you the support you need.