Sexual Assault Does anyone else have thoughts of mutilating your sexual organs because you were raped?

[:'(]

When I remember it, (which is often because flashbacks, and because, unfortunately, sexual stuff is everywhere so it's hard not to get triggered) sometimes I imagine really badly hurting my (I don't want to say it) and my uterus, as a way to distract myself and think of something else, or just because I hate it so much. and sometimes I contemplate doing it for real to get rid of the pain and memories and replace them with a different kind of pain and memories, that I can actually handle. I'm worried I'm going to do it one day soon, because I've self-mutilated before. I haven't had any help for this because I wanted to forget it completely. I'm only just now realising that's not going to happen and I need help.

 

[Joan]

You are not alone in feeling this. It is scary. Do you have a therapist?

 

[Mona]

I used to use a razor in my pubic area. Somehow making myself bleed felt strong - perhaps around memories of someone else making me bleed during abuse. I don't do it any more and don't even have the urge. Talking about it in therapy was vital to my healing, but it took a while to work through. Lots of shame about my behavior and then behind that the shame around my abuse, or around my incomplete memories. The question always...am I making this up? How can I be sure? I do have clear memories of sexual abuse - years of being molested. But my memory of bleeding and being anally raped is very young and very unclear so I fought the memories for years. Once I accepted the possibility of the abuse being real and also the probability that I will never know for certain I was able to stop shaming myself and focus on the very real symptoms I was having. Nightmares, sensory memories etc. I hope this wasn't too much information. Bottom line...it's not going away until you face it, share it, feel what you need to feel and heal. You deserve to heal.