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Solara --
When I got my Psych degree, I was fairly disillusioned with the professional field and mainstream paradigms. It tries so damn hard to treat itself like a science, but people are not molecules, and understanding the psyche is more art than science. But I was struck by the fact that every school -- behaviorists, neuroscientists, humanists, Jungians, sociologists, cognitive adaptive role patterning internal family repressed genetic past life analyts, etc. -- they all agree in various well-proven studies that the *only* factor that consistently correlates to measures of happiness in people is the quality of their connections with other people. This fact stood out as one solid (and like you say, very disheartening) *scientifically proven* fact that I had learned in my studies.
I like to be alone a lot of the time. I need it. People are f*cking annoying and I think ultimately a scourge on this planet that will destroy most of the life and ecosystems within the next 10-100 years or so. People are petty, selfish, violent, not all that bright once they get bigger than tiny clans (and even then, still all those other bad things). I find it overwhelming to be social all the time (or, more recently, any of the time), because the good stress comes with a lot of bad stress. I wish I owned a sensory deprivation tank.
At any rate, I was saying, learning ways to connect better with people is worth the effort. Because no one can exist 100% alone. You think you would have time and peace to just be, and read all the great works of Man. But actually you'd just break your glasses immediately, because you have been lost... in the Twilight Zone!!
Seriously, having connections matters. They say nowadays loneliness is reaching literal epidemic proportions. Some astounding percentage of people like 1/4 or something report in surveys that they have zero close confidants. Modern life is way worse than back when clans of 150 bashed each others skulls in over territorial disputes. In my opinion. Progress is all an illusion, people are definitely getting less happy (also has been studied, not entirely a random opinion). So lots more people have lots fewer *meaningful* connections and feel alone and in pain for it. I know I do. My damn life was a tragedy from the start as modern life had led to my ill-fated family even happening and spawning me just so they could cast me into the world broken and scarred and alone. It sucks.
What was my point? Right. People are important. I'm happiest when I'm alone with the massive caveat that I have connections in my life to return to when I'm done being alone for the moment. I'm happiest being alone and reflecting on things and people in my life. I'm happiest when my mind isn't "scanning the environment for attachments" (read Gabor Mate on ADHD) and so is freed to think calmly about nature or Python coding or cool sci-fi or whatever. I'm most miserable when there are no people in my life, when there's no "foundational" relationships from which to safely go into the world and explore and take risks. Being completely alone is not happiness.
Unless you have like a billion dollars and truly don't need any personal connections. Then, *maybe*, you could live alone on a yacht, stopping at random ports for local delicacies and change of scenery and vitamin C so you don't die of scurvy. But I suspect no amount of money makes one feel happy if they still have no people to connect to.
Can you hear the aloneness in my ramblings? I have seen and talked to several friends lately, old and new, and yet my life has no foundations, no security, and every day I wake up alone, especially with no plans, I return to this scary place. I ramble to hear myself existing.
What was the thread? Learning appropriate boundaries? Yes, I agree. It's hard...
