Does Anyone Else Not Want To Get Better?

[Candleflames]

I have the thought of "what if I don't want to get better" from time to time. It comes up in times where I fear not only the process but also the outcome. I ask myself what will I be like? What if I can't really be that person? What if it's all fake? What if I go through all this and still not really feel any different? Am I really just learning how to put on a show for everyone else's sake?

Like others have said, I think these feeling really come down to our fear of the uncertainty of our healing. We don't know how things, how we, will look when we get to the other side. We don't know any other way to be. There are aspects of myself that I like that I don't want to lose. I'm afraid that I might. I know that I do want to get better but I'm also afraid of what better means for me. I have a friend that explains much of her repeated mistakes by calling them "the devil I know" and says that she is afraid of making new decision because she is afraid that "the angel that can save her might not be." What she means is that there is comfort in what we know and that change could be what helps us or maybe make us worse. It is a risk that we may not want to take at any given time.

For me there is also this romanticized view of the beautifully tragic. It's in many different artistic expressions like literature, movies, plays, mythos and paintings. We see it over and over again and exalt them for being irreparable but yet persevering. They are our martyrs. We don't need to be this way to have value.

 

[anonymous]

Maybe how I feel is the opposite of the impulse you describe.

I am sick of feeling irreparable and don't want to endure a lengthy, slow, disrupting, oscillating repair.

I just want to be the real me.

I want to erase all the bullshit that my false selves have poured forth. Not brick by brick. I want to demolish the entire building. this self is a mangled knot I can't untie from any individual strand manipulation, as pulling on any individual or group of strands is making the mess worse on the other side.

 

[roseann]

@Emotional Retard Thank you for bringing this matter up! I completely understand what you and the others are saying.
@Promicarus Fantastic!!! THIS is what I really needed to read today, and I cannot thank you enough for posting it!

 

[Promicarus]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/anonymous.16213/"]anonymous[/DLMURL]
If I became the "real me" for an instant I would wink out in supernova and take the rest of the world with me.

The Gordian knot of the traumatized self. Alexander the Great conquered it by slicing it in twain. Metaphorical solution, anyone?
I'm all ears.

I like the idea of "removing false selves" to "reveal authenticity". But is that the way it works? Really? Or does it just sound storybook-dramatic cool?

What about the fact that my "authentic self" is so pissed off after finally turning the hate-hose around, so that it finally points outward rather than inward...that my stored trauma discharges can melt steel at 50 yards. Is that the real me I want to become? Well, it's the authentic one, I can tell you that much with certainty.

Girlfriends (3 different) when looking deeply into my eyes: "Why do you hate me?"
Me: "I don't hate you. I just hate. It's ricochate" (didn't come up with that one until no 3)

Not sure being authentic at this point would be the best option.

I can brain, but I brain my heart out.

 

[Red Feather]

Yes I had lots of issues with this. It turned out it was due to a retraumatisation that a really bad therapist put me through. And I was able to figure out that the part of me that didnt want to get better, was just really making sure I was getting enough help. Its not only about being able to ask for help, but also knowing that it is perfectly normal and healthy to want attention and care. Once, I accepted this, and accepted this part of me that needed attention, it helped a lot.

 

[ms spock]

So long story short: I'm not getting better, and my therapist suggested that I work with someone else.

Does this therapist have the necessary trauma skills? It is not always the fault of the patient. The therapist might be on the edge of his/her skills with you.

I want someone to try to save me, yet I don't want to be saved. I want to stay like this - suffering, miserable, alone. I want the drama of being so screwed up. I want to be irreparable.

How long have you been this way?

Has anyone else experienced this? Does anyone have any ideas of why I might be having this problem? O how to fix it?

It is a big change of identity which can be scarey. If you give up being the "sick" person then who are you then? Big questions indeed.

 

[ms spock]

I am scared that if things go right, then something terrible will happen. Which was what happened at home I relaxed and got pulverised.

My home is my home now. I can chose what happens.

 

[Emotional Retard]

@Ninja

Which part of you wants to be saved? Which part of you doesn't want to be saved? Are both of those desires coming from the same place?

Sometimes I think that what keeps us stuck is the conflict and asynchrony between our parts (identity). Not all of them grow stably, and many times the little kid part seems to want to refuse growth - it is unfamiliar and scary. Plus, when we are recovered, maybe no one will care enough to go on helping us.

The logical/rational part of me wants to be saved, whereas the more childish part of me doesn't. Thank you for asking me that because those desires aren't coming from the same place... I think you are incredibly right. The little kid part of me definitely wants to refuse growth. It's terrifying, and I do worry that no one will go on caring to help me. :cry:

 

[Emotional Retard]

I have a fear, rather than a hope, that I am too broke to fix.

I'm wondering if any of these things might be underlying your not wanting to get better? Is it easier to not know whether you are fixable or not, rather than try to fix yourself and maybe find that out to be the truth? Not sure I've worded that well.

Drama sounds to me like you get attention for being screwed up and would miss that - am I reading that wrong?

@digger1,
I definitely feel the same way! I do fear that I can't be fixed. It's scary :( It does seem easier just to believe yourself irreparable and stay stuck like this rather than go through all the pain and hell of trying to recover and find out that you're still a crappy person. As for getting attention for being screwed up... I suppose I do use it as an excuse when I need to and it helps me to get my way. I'm cringing at how awful it is to admit that... :eek:

 

[ms spock]

@Emotional Retard
The little kid part of me definitely wants to refuse growth. It's terrifying, and I do worry that no one will go on caring to help me. :cry:

What little thing can you do to reassure your kid part that you will still love and care for her if you get better?

Can you think of a daily routine or ritual that you can do to reassure your kid part?
Break it down to tiny steps and then do a little bit each day until you have the whole ritual down pat. It could take you 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years just do a little bit each day.

 

[Emotional Retard]

And when people talk about being "all better" someday it makes me angry because I feel like it minimizes the pain and suffering I've been going through now and for basically my whole life.

@BlackbirdSinging
YES! I so so so so relate!

 

[HemlockGrove]

I feel the same way. I think it is a kind of anxiety about having to act just like everyone else without an "Insanity escape". Right now it's easy to say I'm having a bad day and I need to stay in (Which isn't all too exaggerated). I wouldn't say I'm lazy - it's just I don't want the same expectations that everyone has - I don't want to be the same as everyone else because everyone else has hurt me in some way or another. I like being comfortable just laying in my bed and resting (Like that feeling of waking up and being really tired then realizing you have time to sleep more!....or an afternoon nap. I'll take sleep whenever it comes to me!! Hahah). If I "got better" I feel like I wouldn't have the kind of "escape to comfort" the way I do.

Then again, I'd like to not be so affected by stress. THAT is something I wouldn't mind "getting better" with :)