Does Anyone Ever Feel Like They Are Just A Source And Not A Person?

[just me here]

thanks. I am reading and listening to lectures on-line and seeing a counselor weekly, just making the motions of keeping my head above the water. My fiftieth birthday is in a month and I have to wonder if I am just another guy having his mid-life crisis, but this is more like plain old desperation, not frustration or boredom, not the emotions I would associate with a mid life crisis.

I am constantly just minutes away from a deep depression that will send me out of traffic up a side road and sitting in my truck just trying to get it together to go back out into traffic. I find myself headed for bed sooner every night, not sleeping, just closing my eyes and listening to Public radio or reading. I keep myself moving at work, job to job, but I don't get the reward from it and nowadays I don't get to keep any of the money I earn, so whats the point?

The house is ours for another month, the cars and trucks and boats are all ours for another month and the kids have insurance and help with college, and the dogs are being fed. I just wish I fealt something more than obligation and the passage of time, measured in mornings that see me walking the hallway to the shower, grabbing a towel and washcloth along the way. At least I have a shower and a towel and a job, lots of us don't and that has to be worse, I really should be happier but I just am not.

 

[just me here]

A quote taken out of context, but true to the highest standard:

"tis nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so"- William Shakespeare

 

[712xx]

just me here -- Have you ever taken a personality test? Like the Myers and briggs type test? I highly suggest you take a look online; there are free tests that will score your results in a few seconds. It will then explain the results. From what I've read on this thread, it sounds like you may be an over 70% introvert. This might sound kinda stupid, and inconsequential.

However, I have found that learning about yourself, your personal reactions to things, -- just learning in general, is an enormous help for you as the individual to understand why you feel the way you do, and many times these feelings are personality based -- it is chemistry.

It is similar to the story about a guy who went crazy because he couldn't get the voices out of his head. He heard them in the shower, in the car, on his lunch hour at work. He went to the doctor and said, "Doc, you have to help me. I can't get these voices out of my head!" The doctor looked at him and nodded. He checked his eyes, his nose, and looked inside of his ears. The doc said, "I think I found your problem." The doctor took his forcepts and pulled out the man's tiny inner ear hearing aid. "Is this why you've been hearing voices?"

The man had only been wearing the hearing aid for a week and he forgot it was in there. :p
Once he knew what the problem was, he realized the voices were just normal conversations around him that he wasn't used to hearing.

Maybe, if you turn out to be on the extreme end of introversion -- once you read about the issues that we deal with (yes, I'm like 100% I, lol) then your issues might soften a little bit. This is just a suggestion, because it helps me out just knowing about it, and can utilize the correct tools to get around the problems rather than trying to use any tool in the box, hoping it is the right one.

 

[just me here]

712XX- thanks for the advice. I did take the test and went back to some notes and a textbook from a psych class I took in college and found a test result for my former self in an earlier time. Very interesting to see the changes and try to understand why they happened. When I took the first test I was newly married, still in school and running my own small business (es). I was very extroverted but I had to admit then that I was borderline on almost all of the comparisons I had to resolve to take the test effectively.

Somewhere along the way I decided that as long as there were people relying on me for their support, I would have to find a way to make a living where I no longer had to rely on other people for my income. After being stiffed on a few bills and losing some work due to the actions of employees, I decided I wanted to have a cut and dried skill, one where I was needed and could rely on solid predictable income from a regular and predictable need for my skills, no humans involved if possible.

I found it, I have ridden it 25 years and do pretty good, but I sometimes wish I could have stayed in a business that involved more interaction with people and less with machines. Then I remember being stiffed for thousands and having to hire people and trust them without any personal knowledge about them and then fire them when I found out more about them after they had cost me money or lost me work.

So... the test shows me as introverted and judgemental, but that is in contrast to a younger me that was extroverted and accepting of unpredictability.

thanks for the advice and the trip back in time. The old me wouldn't care a hoot about kids that accept money or help without being grateful, no more thankful for the help than they are thankful that gravity didn't stop working today. The old me wouldn't have any problem telling them to find another source either, or worry about not meeting their needs consistantly.

I think we might have a true inner self that could be shown on the test, but in my case and I suspect many other peoples, my test scores reflect the values I had at the time I took the test. Of course they change over time, thats life. Wouldn't we all love to be able to take the test at say.....8 years old and then live lifes that fit that personality profile our entire existance?

I would be playing baseball with my twenty closest friends with no worries beyond how many outs, who is on deck and is the play at the plate or maybe at second with the chance of a missed catch, could the runner on third score on an error? If it's a fly, cover the plate, if it's a grounder go to second.

Life was simpler, we all adjust to be able to handle the stresses of life. If we are lucky we find happiness in the new roles we play.

 

[712xx]

I would be playing baseball with my twenty closest friends with no worries beyond how many outs, who is on deck and is the play at the plate or maybe at second with the chance of a missed catch, could the runner on third score on an error? If it's a fly, cover the plate, if it's a grounder go to second.

Hey 'just me here', who says you can't do just that? You can find a volunteer baseball league to join. Does your company have a team? Or you can sponsor a little league team. Or maybe just do few pick-up games for teams that need an extra player from time to time. :)

I'm guessing INTJ score? Or was it ISFJ, INFJ? The J part doesn't mean 'judgmental' in a bad way ... it means 'judging' ... like a court judge or scientist. You use information/data that is available for the given situation to form conclusions ... as opposed to the "P" perception who uses all knowledge they ever have known to form conclusions about a situation (which can go wrong, since 'all knowledge' or experiences don't usually apply to the given event right now ... I am a J too).

Oh, and being an introvert doesn't mean we don't enjoy the company of others ever -- just means we need recharging time before and after interacting with people because socializing depletes our energy reserves. Once you are feeling better, well rested, less taken advangate of, you'd feel more sociable and less 'grouchy' (as you stated in one of your posts).

 

[just me here]

INTJ.

I work with the tightest of tolerances doing mechanical design and manufacturing in a healthcare field. On most days the only people I have to deal with are other engineers and the idiots I encounter during my commute.

An old joke: how can you tell if an engineer is introverted or an extrovert? The extrovert engineer looks at YOUR shoes while he is talking to you.

Thanks again, you made me think about the changes I have made coming down this road to where I am, and now I will begin to think about maybe taking a few left turns to see if I might find my way home again.

 

[712xx]

INTJ.
An old joke: how can you tell if an engineer is introverted or an extrovert? The extrovert engineer looks at YOUR shoes while he is talking to you.

:) Think you mean the introvert looks at the shoes, ... is ok though, you are welcome. It helped me a lot to learn about my personality type (I'm an INTJ also, but with 100% I ... am borderline autistic. The other 3 things I am more in the middle). I have different tools I need to use to cope with different things. If I had known that a long time ago, my life would have been much better. Now that I do know, my life is more managable, because I know why I am doing it. Knowing narrows down my choices and things to try -- helps find that right thing faster.

Cheers.
--{@

 

[^^FlyingSolo^^]

I think it's time for you to put YOU first. You most definitely deserve it. Go to that ball game. If a kids car breaks down, say "I'm sorry, I can't help you because I'm busy right now. Please call someone else for help." If your children don't appreciate having their health insurance, car insurance, etc paid for, tell them that you are no longer willing to pay for it. Tell your kids that they have to ASK before coming to your house. Change the locks if you have to. But be prepared for the anger, as your kids aren't going to take the change well. Yeah, it may seem like tough love, but really it's about you and your boundaries; the need for respect for both.

Hi Just me here,

I completely agree with ScaredOfLonely in the above quoted post! Maybe its time you make some changes and get some well deserved respect for once. You seem like a wonderful father your family is very lucky. However, I think everyone would understand if you put your foot down and made some changes. I think it would make your family respect you even more. Those kids are not going to learn responsibilty if you keep paying their bills. I think I'm feeling your abandonment issue. As I am the same and I have a 25 yr old son, and I'm dealing with some of the same stuff.

I applaud you as a PTSD suffer to continue to hold a good paying job and providing for your family, while dealing with PTSD. Please allow yourself some attention and reward. If there'e no dinner on the table and nothing scheduled go to a nice restaurant and have a good steak!

God Bless

 

[Beverly G.]

I just read this post and was reminded that I really need to go hug my husband. I am very blessed to know that my children even my adult children love me very much. I am often the one to take "the one who supports me aka my checking account" for granted. I will try to do better because I know I would be nothing without him.

 

[just me here]

I think you missed the joke, an introverted engineer stares at his own shoes while talking to you.

Just got home from a session with my T and was told I was on the right path by withdrawing at the first signs of disrespect or argument or drama.

It feels weird to me to go into a confrontation with a plan like that.

I was raised by overly religious zealots that always had an answer for every argument against their beleifs and because of that I could never win. How can you win when they refuse to even acknowledge a different perspective and are so convinced they are right and can back it up with a hundred canned responses for any argument they have to face?

I don't like feeling like I have a plan, I don't like the idea of turning my back and walking away, I just keep remembering my own frustration at being ignored or having my ideas and arguments met by a pre planned defense when dealing with my parents, but I am willing to try anything cause what have I got to lose? Another year like the last few months and guaranteed a year from now I am divorced and facing bankruptcy or throwing everything I earn at alimony and lawyers fees.

 

[just me here]

update-

Had a long conversation with my wife and we tried counseling but found that it brought out too much too fast and had to stop it after just 3 sessions. But I was able to get some of my feelings validated and she is doing more to show appreciation for our lifestyle and the things she has available to her.

Kids are kids and changes come slowly but I have made it clear that if there is work needed on a car it will only happen when I am not busy or tired or enjoying my day off. And there are lots of ways to repay me for the insurance and tuition money like splitting wood or mowing a lawn or coming out and cooking a meal or just showing up and saying hello, would you enjoy walking down to the river with me? Dogs win on that one too.

My t says I am doing better but admits to me that if there was a no.1 on her list of patients that might end it, I would be high on the list, maybe at the top. I took a month off the constant hard work of EMDR and it scared her pretty bad, I don't think she expected to ever seeme again even tho I had scheduled appointments for after the month off. Everyone seems to be convinced Iam close to an edge of some kind but honestly I feel better centered and hopeful than ever in some ways. Not all ways, but some and thats better than where I was not long ago.

Thank you all, it is hard to draw strength from words on a screen but your words matter and I appreciate them all. We have this condition in common and thats alot. We get it, you get it. thanks.