Relationship Does Everything Have To Be Either Black Or White With Him?

[catlover26]

I have written on here several times. I guess some of you can relate to this.I know some of this could be his Alcoholism or some could be his ptsd. But with my Vet our relationship has changed in the last 8 mos or more I think because we have had some conflicting discussions not really arguments and he gets really uncomfortable when that happens and will do anything to prevent it from happening again. He has told me because of his Alcoholism that he does want things in 'black or white'. He doesn't like in between.

So we used to talk on the phone every night for 1-2 hrs. I thought it got to be excessive at times but maybe that is the way he is. Full speed ahead. Well now he won't talk at all on the phone and won't return my calls. He says we were talking to0 late and he has been depressed now for several months. We did have some discussions that he didn't like over the phone at times. I go to Al-Anon so we have talked about how it is pointless to keep bringing up things like this that they will not change. So I have stopped talking about it. And we stopped going out anywhere to eat or anywhere. He gives various reasons for that.

I know there is not much I can do about it. I have talked to him on why both would be better for our relationship but he just doesn't seem like he will change and do anything different. I know I will just have to accept him the way he is and hope he will get to feeling not so depressed some day and it will get better. But I have to realize also it may stay the way it is.

 

[Lisa1981]

i will keep you in my prays

 

[watundah]

I think in any relationship, going into it hoping things will change is a big red flag.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Is he getting treated for his PTSD @catlover26 ?

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Sometimes, things are purple, teal, or orange with green polka dots to me. ;) I hope his depressive cycle eventually lifts, and you both can negotiate a better relationship. Good luck

 

[catlover26]

Is he getting treated for his PTSD @catlover26 ?

He takes medication for his depression and sees a counselor but No he's not getting treatment for his ptsd. Well if he would tell the counselor everything that is bothering him it would help but he doesn't trust the VA so I think I am basically the only one that really knows how he is feeling. It can be hard to know if his behavior is the Alcoholism (he is sober) or the ptsd or really a combination of both.

I have been doing fine and accepting all of it. But sometimes it just 'hits' me and today I have been in the bed all day. I can't keep thinking and remembering about how he used to be so loving, funny, and affectionate because that is what is so upsetting. Sometimes like a few weeks ago bits of that will 'pop out' of him so I need to be more happy for those moments and tell myself that it will not stay.

 

[catlover26]

I think in any relationship, going into it hoping things will change is a big red flag.

I know this but struggle if he uses his problems as an excuse not to make an effort to do the things we use to do in our relationship like going out sometimes for an example. I do accept him but knowing he used to act one way and changed is what the issue is here. I understand depression because I have it and it can be debilitating which I think must be his problem. It's just upsetting because I feel there are other things he could do for it that he won't do.

He still worries so much about his sobriety, if something is going to upset him or if he is going to be hurt.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He has told me because of his Alcoholism that he does want things in 'black or white'. He doesn't like in between.

I understand depression because I have it and it can be debilitating which I think must be his problem

He still worries so much about his sobriety, if something is going to upset him or if he is going to be hurt.

You have told us that he has problems with alcoholism and depression... but everything is screaming PTSD at me. The anxiety(worrying about his sobriety, worrying that something bad will happen to his relatives in the nursing home if he leaves the house, etc.), paranoia (not trusting the government), isolating behavior (not wanting to leave the house at all, lack of communication)... even the depression is a symptom of PTSD. In fact, the alcoholism probably started out as drinking to self medicate his PTSD.

He isn't going to be able to do much of anything until he starts getting treated for what lies at the root of his problems.

 

[catlover26]

You have told us that he has problems with alcoholism and depression... but everything is screaming P...

I know you have a point but it is really hard to say. How much can it be his personality? I think he has some social anxiety. I don't know if he is just a really negative person that at his age believing he is just getting older and not much he can do about any of it. He started drinking in Vietnam so I wouldn't think the ptsd would have started yet. When does it start? Does it start when they come back home?

Even if it is the ptsd I don't think he is going to seek help for it. He is unfortunately just that way. I am the only one that I think he talks to about any of this and I am surprised he trusts me that much to tell me how he feels. He does get out and run some errands and go to the store etc during the day.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It could have very easily started while he was still in combat. Combat is just a series of traumatic experiences.

 

[catlover26]

He wasn't in combat. He worked on plane navigation systems but from what he has told me he did see very much of trauma going on over there. It could have very well started his drinking for him to try to numb it all while he was there. I guess I never thought that they could drink every night and function and work the next day.

I don't know what your belief in God is but I do believe I am in his life for a purpose. We met just by chance. I think that is why I hang on although there is only so much I would take if the relationship got too bad. I know really he doesn't talk to anyone else about any of this or his problems in general and probably hasn't revealed a lot to me. But I have to be careful not to get too wrapped up in his problems.