Dominance and submission

[joeylittle]

I know she'd fall for it.

Maybe not...not worth finding out, IMO

I think I'll tell her that I thought it up and not do it. That would be me revealing a lot about myself.

This sounds like a good plan.

 

[EveHarrington]

IMO dominance/submission are the extremes for leader/follower...which accounts for most people in society except for those of us who are like f*ck this shit, I’m doing my own thing and following NOBODY, but on the flip side don’t follow me either because I don’t want to deal with that f*cking headache.

Maybe you’re an outlier if the norm? Or maybe you’re not even an outlier, maybe you ARE the norm but it doesn’t feel like it due to gender roles/expectations?

 

[Skywatcher]

Is your wife playing a sex game with you so that when you do finally get your sex it is amazing? Tension buildup?

 

[Mach123]

It's very difficult to understand these things from the typical perspective mostly because people are doing it and don't want to know about it. They talk about everything else but this is what's actually going on. In my case I had to recognise it as part of my recovery. It bleed over into BDSM but that's just because they developed words to describe it and I don't say a lot of things because I'm too squeamish like a girl who won't let you talk about sex. My friends wife and mine are the same about that. Don't talk about sex. Why not? All I'm ever doing is trying to get you in bed. So, you do it without saying so. She's in control. She said "shut your mouth." I did. We both did. One thing is for sure, making her mad doesn't work. Stick with what works. Behave.

 

[Mach123]

Yes, that's called bottom control. The way you said it sounds innocent. Who is in control in that situation? It's not that hard to figure out. Women come by this naturally. It's when the traditional roles get screwed up by something like CSA you have to talk about it. Shhhhhh!

 

[Mach123]

BDSM - Wikipedia
I would have posted the actual pic but it says "you need to attribute the author," which is incorrect English I believe. Take a look at her and put my face there. Everything is easy to understand after that. Don't make the mistake of thinking she can't control things from there, that's all. I was always trying to control my world from there and I couldn't understand why it didn't work. Because I couldn't wear a mini skirt, that's why.

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, that's called bottom control. The way you said it sounds innocent. Who is in control in that situation? It's not that hard to figure out.

"Topping from the bottom" is a thing. Some people say that the bottoms really have all the control in a BDSM scene. Like most things it depends on the relationship and whatever's been negotiated.

Ideally everything in BDSM is explicitly negotiated, but of course the world works that way only rarely.

 

[Skywatcher]

I’m confused. Do you not want to be submissive? @Mach123 Are you upset that your csa caused you to be this way? Did you marry your wife because she abuses you and wish you hadn’t? Are you seeking change as you heal from the csa and she wants to keep things the way they have always been in your relationship?

 

[Mach123]

I’m confused. Do you not want to be submissive? @Mach123 Are you upset that...

No to all, and I'm sorry. It is confusing. I can only allude to some things and I'm sorry if it's vague. I hardly understand it myself. You are welcome to keep reading along if you like it? I'm just writing what I think about it. I just have to get as much out as I can. : )

 

[Mach123]

Therapy was all about this Tuesday, It was wicked. I had forgotten most of what we did last week, I disassociated or what IDK. i forgot we did that hypnosis.
I am sitting with everything I know now. I feel different and numb sorta. I need to let this all sink in and process.
I should say by way of explaining that what I'm talking about is psychology and not actually anything like actual physical BDSM. (No actual restraints, nothing about anything like that) BUT She wants to do something to me or actually deny me something. She wants me to lie around with her and "pet" or touch and not have sex. I don't mean me touching her, we always do that, I mean her touching me and initiating. She did this yesterday and this morning and I'm not surprised because sex has been really intense this last little while.
I never understood this because to me that pretty much amounts to a kind of torture so I never let her do it. She said "it shouldn't be torture." It is though, at least for me. I have told her for years she thinks she should tell me everything about me even how I should think and feel. I don't mind her touching me it isn't like it has to be sex if she puts her arm around me, but I don't have much restraint because I'm hypersexual.
She can lie around for hours and I rub her all over "like Alladins lamp" and she can get up and she's unphased. Unless I get to third base or whatever and then she is like "ok, we have to do it now." I guess she can't see or she doesn't want to, that I get "there" much more quickly. Then when I'm like "ok, we have to do it now," she's like "no." Maybe ill ask her if she wants to tie my hands and try it? Lol

 

[Mach123]

Why are submissive people like me always whining? I want to be submissive I just want to be in control while I'm doing it? In order to do that you have to have something the other person can't live without which is why sex is the main control. Money is usually not far behind. So I want you to fuk me whenever you want and pay for everything. But what if I'm not happy with how often? How do I turn the tables? If you don't need me in bed that much that means I don't have that much control over you. I need your attention on me about a thousand percent and worrying if I'm happy because you want to fuk me. This I think is bottom control. It means you're paying me for me. I don't mind doing it but I need sex. The problem is I'm pathetic and desperate about sex. If you don't want me I'm hurt and sullen.
This is all role reversal and me behaving like a wife not a husband. Sex is all I care about. The therapist says I'm an addict, not directly she just implies it but I just think I'm like a girl because if you do that, if you turn me into a girl and watch me behave all this makes sense and you might shake your head at my behaviour but you wouldn't really question it or find anything unusual about it. It's just when a man does it there's something wrong. I like being dominated by women. You can't ignore me though. Bottom control.
My wife is much more like a man than I. That sounds so funny but it's true. She's all girl about sex but she can turn it on and off. It's like it never happened or she never thinks about it again until she gets hit with it. She's not looking for it or worried about it because it always came to her. All she ever had to do was show up. Women have a big advantage in this but they can't be men. Beautiful women have such an unfair advantage. I was never able to take advantage of what men have because I felt and acted like a girl. That part was really hard because I didn't understand it. It was the worst in puberty and my teen years because I felt so much like a girl then. Sex was a real mess for me. The problem was sex changed from when I was really young, when boys and girls are much more alike, sexless really or both genders. Then after puberty you kind of pair off and get separated by gender. I didn't do very well with that.
Reading Mike Lews book about male survivors of CSA really opened my eyes about all this. It doesn't make it much easier though. Sex and the submissive male lol.

 

[Mach123]

Maybe not...not worth finding out, IMO

This sounds like a good plan.

I did tell the therapist about this, it upset her. It was weird, the whole session was weird because (I thought after) the power dynamic shifted a little in that session. I was much stronger and I was watching her sort of squirm around in the chair and I thought "she is feeling defensive about what I'm saying." I was not meaning to do that to her it was just the place I was coming from was stronger. Usually, I'm sitting there and I'm all submissive and stuff because I feel safe with her and she lets me act like that and it's really comfortable for me to know she won't say anything like "you shouldn't act like that." She really encourages me to "be myself," whatever that means. Anyway, she is gone a couple weeks but asked me to email her my writing instead of putting everything here. I have not done it yet, I don't want to dump a lot of diary entries and daily living on her? I just want to get her the stuff that I think she should see lol. (she is really busy and will be traveling, I just don't want her to have to read lots of my rambling.) : )