Don’t maintain friendships

[somerandomguy]

I don't have any friends either outside of my family. I maintain some contact with really old friends, but I haven't made a new friend in years and years.

 

[grit]

The way I look at it is this: do I need this or does the society asks me to do this because this is a measure of health? It is very fine line trust me what is me and what is the society's pressure dressed as what I want/need. Very intricate.

Almost everybody has one person in their life that they like or talk to. How often and how much depends on the relationships. To me personally, the older I got the less people I find I need to "maintain" relationship with. And honestly now that I am dealing with my ptsd, even much less need for people and finding what I need within me and venture out when necessary. I was social butterfly and now I am more selective and do not even maintain frerenmies anymore. and I am extremely honest with my friends to say sorry I cannot see you because I am exhausted or not feeling social. End of the story no reason to blahhh or please or measure up.

All that being said, you have work friends and two other friends outside of work, to me that sounds extremely reasonable and healthy and nice.

 

[ladee]

I have found I can not give away what I do not have. Like @MrMoonlight shared, working on ourselves is sometimes a full-time job with no energy left over.

I have friends and acquaintances. If I use any energy, it will go to my friends, as they tend to understand my limitations more. Without explanation. I do not have the extra energy to explain. And usually to people who wouldn't understand anyway. To them, it's simple. Not simple for us.

Maybe learning to be friends with our selves first is the answer. Then the whole friendship thing won't be so overwhelming and we won't feel so resentful that others expect us to know how this works. We all have trust issues. Learning to trust myself has helped a lot in knowing who else I can trust.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Wondering how many others find that they don’t have the energy to maintain friendships. I have ‘work friends’ but only 2 other friends I maintain regular contact with.

I have 2 close trustworthy friends I share details w- good/bad/and some ugly, and several others I share interests with and only the good/and general bad- not the intimate details- and likewise they share too. Quality w a few good friends, coupled with low drama and pleasantness is better than quantity or friends w constant drama!

 

[Starfish]

Grit made a point that has been on my mind this morn as I decompress from my latest human interactions. The social responsibility I feel towards this subject. I feel I am getting nearer to the point that asks “Why do I get so hung up on feeling obligated to have friendships when they are so terrifying to me?” I can appreciate people from afar and on sites like these. I like to exchange ideas, for me it seems crucial that I hear what is going on inside with other humans. But the reality is that I freak out inside and lose myself when I am in a situation that involves a conversation with another. Not always, depending on the circumstance. I understand why I am this way and it certainly is developmental from family of origin dysfunction which seems to involve cognitive distortions. At age 65 and plenty of years working on all of this, there comes a point that I need to accept myself and quit putting myself in situations that will take 2-3 days to recover from. It is the “what will others think of me if they knew what I feel like inside when engaging with others” that keeps me going back for more. I think I am about done with going back for more. I have a few “others” who accept me for who I am and require little from me as they are too busy doing their own lives and like to touch bases with me and respect when I can’t and I have my son, his wife and 3 cool young grandkids who I spend regular time with and they do not tax my energy too much. I think I want that to be enough. I am tired of feeling down on myself because I am not “socially normal” whatever that is. What do they say about insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”.... I think that might apply for me in this situation.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I have 1 good friend I’d trust w my life. I have a few friends whom I share a common interest. We get together at my home once a month. This has been a lifeline in my divorce and moving to a new place- a reason to clean up and communicate. We are all musicians-I clean up the house, cook a snack, expend a lot of anxious energy before and when they come, take a nap when they leave, but am glad I have not ditched them. We make beautiful music together!

 

[blackemerald1]

My T reckons I'm an introvert. I don't know if that makes an impact on ability to make friends or not.

I'm not even sure I know what a real friend is anymore. Surely not the 'social media' type? If so, I am an epic fail... lol

Yes... she's explained I must try harder and get out there in real life and 'interact'.. sigh.... ok... it's good for me apparently. But is it good for the ppl I interact with... not too sure on that.. She says yes.. but she's a nice lady and how would it sound if she indicated otherwise??? :oops:

Mostly I doubt I could be a good friend to someone else or I worry that I don't have the ability to maintain the friendships that other people tell me they have.

I know ppl and if I make what seems a mighty effort I can go and see them if I want to. But often I'm not so inclined. That doesn't mean I don't like them... I do...and I respect them too... even if they are humans ....ok forget I even posted this.. I'm too fussed, too old and have no idea anymore. :wtf:

 

[willhealeventually]

Reading these posts helps me to not feel so alone. I isolate myself as much as possible and avoid going outside. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, but it goes deeper than that. I find human interaction exhausting, but then feel guilty that I don’t reciprocate to people who care. My longterm friendship is with someone who lives 3 hours away from me!
Does this part get better? Why do people with ptsd get so tired? Why am I always so tired and need so much sleep?

 

[blackemerald1]

My longterm friendship is with someone who lives 3 hours away from me!

^Doesn't matter that your friend is three hours away from you. The relationship matters - not the distance. And if you've maintained a good friendship despite that distance it is a good friendship and you are a good friend.

Why do people with ptsd get so tired? Why am I always so tired and need so much sleep?

I get tired too... idk why ptsd seems to make me tired but it does.
Despite this there may be other physical causes... when was the last time you were checked out for general health?
If that's all fine....
Are you on meds... could you be over-medicating on something accidentally?
Are you getting enough exercise bc believe it when I say the more exercise you get... the better you sleep and the less sleep one seems to need. Plus exercise just seems to give energy levels a jump start... along with lots of good mental health benefits.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Reading these posts helps me to not feel so alone. I isolate myself as much as possible and avoid going outside. I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, but it goes deeper than that. I find human interaction exhausting, but then feel guilty that I don’t reciprocate to people who care. My longterm friendship is with someone who lives 3 hours away from me!
Does this part get better? Why do people with ptsd get so tired? Why am I always so tired and need so much sleep?

Technology makes keeping friends who don’t live near up to date with your life: Skyping is easy, FaceTime, a hand written letter or card, an invitation to visit you, postcards, and you get my drift. Keeping in touch keeps communication open, you know what’s going on in each other’s lives, and allows you to keep Up With them. Your agoraphobia diagnosis doesn’t prevent the possibility of communicating regularly-only you do.

 

[willhealeventually]

. Your agoraphobia diagnosis doesn’t prevent the possibility of communicating regularly-only you do.

I agree. I have trouble wanting to talk to people. It’s very draining for me. Most of the time I am in pain and I need to hide that from people who reach out. I try yo save my pain fir counseling. This hiding of what I really feel and carrying on a normal conversation is exhausting.
I am a work in progress. Maybe some day I won’t feel like a live wire with all nerve endings exposed...

@blackemerald1 you are saying all the right things - value my long distance friendship, get exercise. Certainly my fybromyalgia adds to the physical challenge of feeling tired. I have medications and they are regularly adjusted - it’s the best it can be.
It’s a goal of mine to get back to doing yoga, but I haven’t been able to start. I am too focused on finding a job (quickly) and completing a graduate level course. I don’t have enough left for much else. Taking care of my kids is there too, of course.
It’s like I have limited reserves and need to ration throughout the day.
Thank you for your support.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Why do people with ptsd get so tired?

Because your body releases hormones that keep you in a hypervigilant state, causing your physical body to be exhausted. It also raises blood sugar. It is really hard on the body.

Skyping is easy, FaceTime, a hand written letter or card,

No, @Wilbur, it's not easy for me. It takes a lot to even come here every day, when I have many people I really care for, and would like to keep up with more. Part of it is homesteading and being tired and in pain, and part is that it seems overwhelming sometimes to keep up with the minimal amount required to have friendships.